Let 'em Hang.. More Air, Less Sweat.. Fresh Balls = Better for Everybody.
16 Aug 2010
So.. About a month or so ago I decided.. Underwear were pointless. I mean, seriously.. why do people wear them? Boxers clump up my pants and briefs keep my balls in place and all that jazz but they don't get to "hang". I hear it's important for them to hang. Also, Briefs keep them a bit toasty and get them no air. So they end up sweaty balls by the end of a warm summer day. Now.. They're fresh and dry all day long. I don't have anything bunching up my pants or restricting movement. And.. Just in case there's some surprise happiness one casual afternoon. They won't be sweaty and unattractive! So, in the words of a new friend. "It's just better for everybody involved."
Spanish or German, Maybe both?
09 Aug 2010
So, I've taken a few Spanish classes in the past and thought it would be useful. But while taking Spanish I think my largest problem was not having somebody to practice with. I understand a good bit of the basis of sentence structure and what not but actually speaking a sentence on the fly is still an unlikely event for me. A friend of mine is planning to study and learn German and it makes me wonder?! Should maybe I study up on that as well? Would having a study partner make it easy to learn quickly? Hmmmmmnnnn.. Maybe I'll just practice them both. I got the Rosetta Stone for Spanish and German now. Lets see how this goes.
WHIV.. SIV.. Or does it?
09 Aug 2010
No, no.. I didn't get anything in Vegas that doesn't wash off. But maybe I did bring something home with me? Sorta..
So.... .. . I met this girl in Vegas, well.. I met a few girls! But one really left a lasting impression on me. I have continued to talk with her for this last week since Vegas too. She's a German girl named Michaela. She's unique in a number of ways for me. First.. Most girls I meet that I take a liking too are because I'm initially sexually attracted to them. But with her what caught me first was her personality, not so much her body. I like this, too. Because I don't really view her as some tasty sex object but rather, as.. Somebody. Now, don't get me wrong. She is physically attractive but just not my normal type. She's just a bit bigger of a girl then I typically get involved with, Now.. She's no BBW kinda girl but she's just not quite the moderately anorexic frame I've been used to. But I really like how she's got such a curvy body that those anorexic girls don't have and she's working on firming up herself too, which is super exciting. But for me, it's not so much about that. It's her personality that has drawn me so strongly.
When I first met her I tried to playfully flirt with her just a little at first mostly since I'm just a big flirt and she really blew me off. Like as if I wasn't even in her league. I sorta thought to myself, "Pfft, fine.." and moved on with life. But I was constantly drawn back to her and I know why. She has an adorable face and was endlessly animated like a young girl that still holds her child-like excitement for the world. Just watching her have fun made me feel happy inside. She spread it like a virus to everyone near her. So I went after her again and tried to carefully plan my moves and soon she was into it. We started spending more and more time together and while we never talked about anything with substance we had tremendous fun together. For the last week we've been talking and it's freaky how much we have in common. She lives in Michigan though and that's a long way away. No sure if anything will happen with her but I'm super glad to have met her.
So.... .. . I met this girl in Vegas, well.. I met a few girls! But one really left a lasting impression on me. I have continued to talk with her for this last week since Vegas too. She's a German girl named Michaela. She's unique in a number of ways for me. First.. Most girls I meet that I take a liking too are because I'm initially sexually attracted to them. But with her what caught me first was her personality, not so much her body. I like this, too. Because I don't really view her as some tasty sex object but rather, as.. Somebody. Now, don't get me wrong. She is physically attractive but just not my normal type. She's just a bit bigger of a girl then I typically get involved with, Now.. She's no BBW kinda girl but she's just not quite the moderately anorexic frame I've been used to. But I really like how she's got such a curvy body that those anorexic girls don't have and she's working on firming up herself too, which is super exciting. But for me, it's not so much about that. It's her personality that has drawn me so strongly.
When I first met her I tried to playfully flirt with her just a little at first mostly since I'm just a big flirt and she really blew me off. Like as if I wasn't even in her league. I sorta thought to myself, "Pfft, fine.." and moved on with life. But I was constantly drawn back to her and I know why. She has an adorable face and was endlessly animated like a young girl that still holds her child-like excitement for the world. Just watching her have fun made me feel happy inside. She spread it like a virus to everyone near her. So I went after her again and tried to carefully plan my moves and soon she was into it. We started spending more and more time together and while we never talked about anything with substance we had tremendous fun together. For the last week we've been talking and it's freaky how much we have in common. She lives in Michigan though and that's a long way away. No sure if anything will happen with her but I'm super glad to have met her.
Vegas Baby! Wooooooo (spin figer) - Mythos 2010 (code name: Dandy)
03 Aug 2010
Phew! Okay, here's some highlights because I don't think I have time for a good full and proper write up of all the events of Vegas. For more Vegas? Check out my Facebook photo album here - http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=471221&l=c8acbffce2&id=638780211
I spent 100 hours in Las Vegas, NV. starting last Thursday and ending yesterday (Tuesday). Of that, maybe 20 hours sleeping.
Nevada is brown. Vegas is neon. Nevada needs some Tree's and Vegas does too! Overall the temperature was awesome to me. Similar heat to Oklahoma but about 15% humidity instead of 60+% here in Oklahoma. It was funny listening to people complain about the heat while I thought "Wow, I wish it was like this back at home."
There was Roller coaster rides leaping in and out of buildings, crazy Vegas lights and massive block long overhead digital displays. Free booze and craps tables. Fancy stores with fancy clothes for fancy restaurant with fancy foods. Overall, things -were- expensive but I tried to ignore money and focus on fun things.
We got a FANTASTIC house to stay in. I realized that I don't care about fancy homes. I spent all my time indoor wishing I was outside exploring. Which, also.. Taught me something about myself. See recently I've been kinda bummed out about houses and my odd desire to want a "nice" home. But really, I'd rather a nice life full of experiences then a nice home full of walls and boredom.
I met 25ish awesome people. I was overall surprised and happy with that. Being a big Warcraft group I expected a bunch of pretty odd folks. While some were a bit different, they were all awesome in different ways. Lots of fun. There were even GIRLS there. Big surprise, and to make it better I even thought a couple of them were interesting and uncharacteristically (for me) addictive in their own ways.
We drank a lot and slept little! I mean, day 1 we dropped 250 bucks on booze and while that's not much compared to Team Crude's budget.. It was still tons! Generally everybody was drinking for most of the trip. Ghal was impressively capable of staying awake and "standing" after drinking who knows how much. I think he was shitfaced the whole time he was there! I kept myself to a sensible level for the most part and I found a new beer I like, Rogue Dead Guy and Cadu got us some awesome Canadian beers from unibroue.
Some people left more of an impact on me then others. But I'm not sure how I want to address that... There was honest heartfelt friendship, unending animated excitement and seemingly genuine happiness, there was motherly love given to all, depth and interest of one unique addictive personality, and endless laughter provided by another!
I was sad when I left. Not because the excitement of Vegas or the fancylad house would be missed but that the people I met would be greatly missed. I don't know when I'll get to meet any of these people again but I hope it's frequently and soon.
I spent 100 hours in Las Vegas, NV. starting last Thursday and ending yesterday (Tuesday). Of that, maybe 20 hours sleeping.
Nevada is brown. Vegas is neon. Nevada needs some Tree's and Vegas does too! Overall the temperature was awesome to me. Similar heat to Oklahoma but about 15% humidity instead of 60+% here in Oklahoma. It was funny listening to people complain about the heat while I thought "Wow, I wish it was like this back at home."
There was Roller coaster rides leaping in and out of buildings, crazy Vegas lights and massive block long overhead digital displays. Free booze and craps tables. Fancy stores with fancy clothes for fancy restaurant with fancy foods. Overall, things -were- expensive but I tried to ignore money and focus on fun things.
We got a FANTASTIC house to stay in. I realized that I don't care about fancy homes. I spent all my time indoor wishing I was outside exploring. Which, also.. Taught me something about myself. See recently I've been kinda bummed out about houses and my odd desire to want a "nice" home. But really, I'd rather a nice life full of experiences then a nice home full of walls and boredom.
I met 25ish awesome people. I was overall surprised and happy with that. Being a big Warcraft group I expected a bunch of pretty odd folks. While some were a bit different, they were all awesome in different ways. Lots of fun. There were even GIRLS there. Big surprise, and to make it better I even thought a couple of them were interesting and uncharacteristically (for me) addictive in their own ways.
We drank a lot and slept little! I mean, day 1 we dropped 250 bucks on booze and while that's not much compared to Team Crude's budget.. It was still tons! Generally everybody was drinking for most of the trip. Ghal was impressively capable of staying awake and "standing" after drinking who knows how much. I think he was shitfaced the whole time he was there! I kept myself to a sensible level for the most part and I found a new beer I like, Rogue Dead Guy and Cadu got us some awesome Canadian beers from unibroue.
Some people left more of an impact on me then others. But I'm not sure how I want to address that... There was honest heartfelt friendship, unending animated excitement and seemingly genuine happiness, there was motherly love given to all, depth and interest of one unique addictive personality, and endless laughter provided by another!
I was sad when I left. Not because the excitement of Vegas or the fancylad house would be missed but that the people I met would be greatly missed. I don't know when I'll get to meet any of these people again but I hope it's frequently and soon.
Freewheel 2010!
13 Jul 2010
Okay, so I completely neglected to write about Freewheel - which is sad.. This year was my first Freewheel and I'm so glad I did it. It was some of the best fun I've had in a very long time. I'm super glad I went with Team Crude because the rest of Freewheel really seemed uneventful and dull in comparison. The whole thing kicked off June 11th and we made it to Joplin on June 18th. Team Crude made it in the news twice? during the trip and I'm sure we added excitement to dozens of riders throughout the trip. It was like a week long racing event from bus stop to bus stop to stop for an hour or two and drink way too much beer. We were normally some of the last people to make it to the next town but that's because we spent each day having as much fun as we could find. Overall the ride wasn't really that hard. It was really hot on some days and Tues/Weds had some very long and hard climbs. I had been training exclusively on hills prior to Freewheel and I think that kept me from having to walk up a few of them. Will I do it next year? Probably Not. Because I want to do RAGBRAI! It's the same thing.... Except 1000 times more party and fun and it's across Iowa instead. Looking forward to 2011!
So, things -are- looking good.
13 Jul 2010
It's been a few weeks since I broke up with my girlfriend. I was really unsure if I had made the right choice or not. As time as gone by I've been frequently reassured that it's been for the best. I can't say what to attribute things too. But I've been more excited about life and active in these last few weeks then I have for the last couple years. I've already started loosing weight again and getting in better shape. I've been making new friends and spending a lot more time out of the house. I don't feel camped up anymore or drained like I had felt for so long. I'm still sad at times and I do miss having my "baby wub" around. But I think this break up has been a good thing for both of us.
I'm excited about just going out and being free and relaxed for the next while. Hopefully next time I pick a girl I'll do a better job of finding one that suits me and the things I'm interested it :)
I'm excited about just going out and being free and relaxed for the next while. Hopefully next time I pick a girl I'll do a better job of finding one that suits me and the things I'm interested it :)
Some Hindsight would be pretty helpful right now.
15 Apr 2010
So.. My girlfriend and I broke up two weeks ago. It's probably been a long time coming I guess. I really sorta understand the motivation and how most of it played out. I'm just not sure I'm comfortable with it. We were both being bad mates to each other. I was neglecting her and she was doing the same to me. Slowly hurting each other and letting ourselves become more and more distant. Last summer or so things seemed pretty good with us. We were doing stuff together and she was spending most her time with me. We'd go out 3-4 times a week doing motorcycle stuff and eating out and that kept her happy (and me). But then all sorts of stuff happened to me and my family and I had to help support the majority of my family for half a year and support my girlfriend for almost a year then there were some house/garage purchases, big car and truck repair bills and a "joint" race bike purchase that turned into a "just me" purchase when my "best friend" and his Dad bailed out on it.... I racked up a substantial amount of debt. Close to 20k. So I started trying to stay inside more and stop going out so much so I could get it all paid off. But eventually I seemed to be more and more depressed in general and wasn't motivated to do anything at all. I just keep hunkering down and slowly catching up getting everything paid off. I know this was really hard on my girlfriend. She wanted to go out and be a social butterfly. So she started just going out with all her other friends who are mostly guys (which didn't help). Most the time when she was with me she spent most her time texting all her friends on her phone. She didn't want to stick around with some guy who didn't want to leave the house. I become more and more angry with her though. A lot my debt that I was trying to pay off was from supporting her for a year and now she can't stand at my side while I deprived myself of a fun life so I could pay it all off? And there was our tension. I expected more from her, I expected her to support my desire to be debt free again, I expected her to weather the "down times" with me and she didn't. But on the flip side I'd gotten so far into my "don't leave the house, save money" thing I neglected her too much. She needed someone to spoil her with attention and often she'd want to go do things that didn't really even cost money and I was just too "bleh" about life to want to do anything. This just continued and compounded upon itself for months until two weeks ago with an explosion of anger and frustration and emotion and us breaking up.
As she was moving out all her stuff we found a closet off the bathroom that had built up a -lot- of mold on the carpet under a box. Then I found my HVAC unit was full of mold too. This last year my allergies had been out of control and I think that's why. I also read that mold causes depression and I wonder if that combined with my out of control allergies played a factor in why I've felt so "bleh" for the last several months. If so, how big of a factor? I've felt so much more motivated this last two weeks and is that from the break-up or from the mold removal and two air filter units I added to the house?
Just a bad mixture of so many different things that by themselves probably wouldn't have caused a problem. Each thing seems so reasonable and fixable but added together and especially without realizing them soon enough. They just caused my life to slowly decay into something just miserable.
But now, what to do? The week before we broke up I was full of anger and frustration at a girlfriend who wouldn't support my goal of being debt free again. A girlfriend who wouldn't weather the down times with me. A girlfriend who spent all her time hanging out with other guys, rather friends or not.. She choose them over me. But now I'm just overcome with sadness. She's my baby-wub and I do love her. The more I look at what happened it seems like something that just could be fixed but I don't know if that's true or not. I don't want to throw away 2.5 years of my life and I don't know if that's what I'm doing? Or have we just finally made the right decision? If we really do love each other and can work on our failures to one another would we eventually be truly happy with one another?
I know I have two major problems and they are things I want to fix regardless of what happens. I want to make myself better. How would our relationship be if I had realized and fixed these problems already in my life?
I never finish anything. I get all excited about an idea and start off in a whirl working on it. But then it becomes boring and/or too expensive or something and I just kinda let it go. Soon there's the next thing! That's super neat and new and I go off in another direction. It repeats itself and nothing really gets done. I want to finish something. I don't want my ex-girl and I to just be another thing I never finished just because it got hard.
I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve. I don't wear them anywhere. Sometimes I'm so emotionally cold I seem like a robot. I don't know what part of my past or childhood slowly developed me into this emotionally dead person. But I -have- to fix this. I'll never make a good "guy" for a girl if I can't support her emotional needs. It's like there's 9 million walls of defense around my heart and I don't know how to remove the walls. I don't even know where to start. I know somehow in this whole break up it seems like they've all suddenly been torn apart but now it's like it's too late. Finally I'm crying out my emotions but it doesn't matter anymore. So what happens now? Do the walls stay gone or are they all just coming back to get me over this? How do I keep them from ruining all my future relationships?
Whatever happens, I want to work on these two things and hopefully better myself. I hope the right thing happens here, I hope that if me and her really are the right people for each other that we figure that out - but if we're not I hope somehow we both find someone that makes us happy.
As she was moving out all her stuff we found a closet off the bathroom that had built up a -lot- of mold on the carpet under a box. Then I found my HVAC unit was full of mold too. This last year my allergies had been out of control and I think that's why. I also read that mold causes depression and I wonder if that combined with my out of control allergies played a factor in why I've felt so "bleh" for the last several months. If so, how big of a factor? I've felt so much more motivated this last two weeks and is that from the break-up or from the mold removal and two air filter units I added to the house?
Just a bad mixture of so many different things that by themselves probably wouldn't have caused a problem. Each thing seems so reasonable and fixable but added together and especially without realizing them soon enough. They just caused my life to slowly decay into something just miserable.
But now, what to do? The week before we broke up I was full of anger and frustration at a girlfriend who wouldn't support my goal of being debt free again. A girlfriend who wouldn't weather the down times with me. A girlfriend who spent all her time hanging out with other guys, rather friends or not.. She choose them over me. But now I'm just overcome with sadness. She's my baby-wub and I do love her. The more I look at what happened it seems like something that just could be fixed but I don't know if that's true or not. I don't want to throw away 2.5 years of my life and I don't know if that's what I'm doing? Or have we just finally made the right decision? If we really do love each other and can work on our failures to one another would we eventually be truly happy with one another?
I know I have two major problems and they are things I want to fix regardless of what happens. I want to make myself better. How would our relationship be if I had realized and fixed these problems already in my life?
I never finish anything. I get all excited about an idea and start off in a whirl working on it. But then it becomes boring and/or too expensive or something and I just kinda let it go. Soon there's the next thing! That's super neat and new and I go off in another direction. It repeats itself and nothing really gets done. I want to finish something. I don't want my ex-girl and I to just be another thing I never finished just because it got hard.
I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve. I don't wear them anywhere. Sometimes I'm so emotionally cold I seem like a robot. I don't know what part of my past or childhood slowly developed me into this emotionally dead person. But I -have- to fix this. I'll never make a good "guy" for a girl if I can't support her emotional needs. It's like there's 9 million walls of defense around my heart and I don't know how to remove the walls. I don't even know where to start. I know somehow in this whole break up it seems like they've all suddenly been torn apart but now it's like it's too late. Finally I'm crying out my emotions but it doesn't matter anymore. So what happens now? Do the walls stay gone or are they all just coming back to get me over this? How do I keep them from ruining all my future relationships?
Whatever happens, I want to work on these two things and hopefully better myself. I hope the right thing happens here, I hope that if me and her really are the right people for each other that we figure that out - but if we're not I hope somehow we both find someone that makes us happy.
Wouldn't it be nicer to just be normal?
02 Dec 2009
So. The other day I watched a House episode. It's the one where this super-genius guy gets sick and he was robomaxing? to make himself dumb. I was able to relate so closely with that episode.. The way they put into words some of my long-thought feelings was pretty cool. But it just sorta pointed out to me something. I'm often unimpressed or disappointed with my girlfriend on things that challenge her mind... But I have that same problem with almost -everyone- I meet. I'm just so astounded at how "dumb" people are. In the truth it's not that their dumb it's more that they're just normal... I find myself not even wanting to go out and socialize with people because I know I'm just going to be bored with everything about them. It's so rare that I have an interesting conversation with someone I've just lost my desire to even try. I kinda wish I wasn't half as smart as I am. I really care about my girlfriend and I wish I didn't get so frustrated and short with her over things I "think" everybody should just know and understand immediately. I've really got a big desire to try out this robomaxing stuff.
Bzr, Hg, Git, CVS, SVN, Unison, Rsync... Oh my..
26 Sep 2009
For a few years now I've used CVS and TortoiseCVS for projects that needed some type of version control. I use version control for a few things actually. Not just for the version control aspect. But I like being able to store all my projects on some server and then pull the most current version of them into new places easily. Make changes, update the server, and pull those changes down to other places. That's not really version control.. More like just a remote copy! I could probably accomplish that sort of thing with unison or some rsync trickery. But it's also nice to see the history of all my changes and though I've never needed it - I'd like to be able to rollback some changes to previous versions. Now that's where Version Control comes into play. Thus, I use CVS and it can do all this for me. But I'm trying to move forward with technology and I have been evaluating all the other options. I tried Hg and it was neat but all the new features were lost on me. I don't need them. I tried Git and it was a bit more tricky to use and more hassle to install then Hg. The same applied with Git too. Fancy new features came with it but I didn't need them. Really CVS does all I need! Or does it?
I'd like to be able to store multiple version controlled things in the same folder.. I'd like to be able to hold all those different things together under a single version control system too. So I can update/commit/track each individual version controlled thing and then also submit those changes into the "overall" or "big picture" version control system.. I'd like to never see another damn "CVS" folder. I mean, seriously. They have to put one of those in every damn folder? I'll just have to keep playing around with them and see what I can do..
I'd like to be able to store multiple version controlled things in the same folder.. I'd like to be able to hold all those different things together under a single version control system too. So I can update/commit/track each individual version controlled thing and then also submit those changes into the "overall" or "big picture" version control system.. I'd like to never see another damn "CVS" folder. I mean, seriously. They have to put one of those in every damn folder? I'll just have to keep playing around with them and see what I can do..
Progress of computers? More like reverse-progress!
23 Sep 2009
I started using computers around 1990 or so. I had a Tandy TL-1000. It was a x86 286 system and I haven't a clue what type of processor it had. I think it had a 20 megabyte hard drive. It ran some very early version of MS-DOS. Probably around 3.x or so. I can't recall ever being able to type faster then that computer. Never once. I could happily type away and program little batch files all day long and the computer could keep up with me. Now I've got some fancy Dell. Well I don't like Dell so much these days but that's not really the point. They have been kicking out crappier and crappier computers for the last year or two. Heck, even their severs suck now. But, That aside. I'm using Windows Vista Ultimate, 2gb ram, 80gb hard drive. Nothing fancy, I know. A 3.0ghz Intel Core Due 2 CPU and some on-board graphics chip. Now technology wise this computer is well.. 20 damn years ahead of my old Tandy TL-1000. Why is it that I can type faster then the computer? I'm trying to program in my beloved application (Vim) and I can type along and look up and realize the computer is a few chars behind. That's insane. Computers are not improving, they're getting worse. I don't really blame the hardware though. It's Windows I blame. It's so damn bulky and crappy it can take a 20 year improvement in hardware and make it seems like it's a 2 year set back. I'm glad (in so many ways) that Linux has improved it's Desktop-ability so much it's almost an acceptable solution for me at work.
I feel fine.
04 May 2009
Actually, I felt fine a few days or maybe less after the previous comment. I'm not sure I really felt like "shit" but rather I was just very frustrated with a few people. I dream of and wish I was part of a time when the words of men were meaningful and the statements a man made was as binding as steel and he would give his life to remain faithful to his own words. That time is long gone, if it ever really did exist. Now it seems the words of most men are as binding as a modern day marriage. Oh and so.. I now have my own race bike. If you wish you're welcome to read more about it and it's progress at http://www.todracing.com
Cheers.
Cheers.
Why can't people just be upfront, open, and honest.
01 Apr 2009
Man I feel like total shit now. It's amazing how shitty I feel.
Racing..
19 Mar 2009
Well two friends and I went in to buy a race bike! It was crashed so we got it cheap. It's a 2007 Yamaha R6. We'll dump another few hundred bucks into it and should have it all ready and race prepped. I'll be getting my CMRA Racing license May 15th and will hopefully have a successful career of motorcycle racing without killing myself. We're actually just doing this part-time cause we can't afford to dish out money every weekend for races! Also! Checkout the newest website I've made.. http://www.todracing.com :)
Your Ride, Your Body, Your Organs.
10 Feb 2009
Around 2007 me and my buddy grabbed the domain www.tulsaorgandonors.com after being told we were idiots that would end up becoming organ donors. At that time we just thought it was kinda funny but we never did anything with it. So what, two years later now? We finally threw together an online forum. It's finally starting to take shape and we've gotten a surprising number of members in the last few days we've been online. It's a community of people that are into potentially dangerous sports such as Motorcycling, Dirt Biking, Quads, and anything else that might make you a good candidate to be an organ donor. We try to encourage our members to become registered organ donors because we know it saves a lot of lives every year. So. If it sounds like your thing check it out.
http://www.tulsaorgandonors.com
http://www.tulsaorgandonors.com
Chasing off the neighborhood punks.
09 Jan 2009
Wow, Oct 28th since I've wrote here.. It's like going to the summer house on the lake. Place is full of spiders and there's dust everywhere and the neighborhood kids spray painted everything. My wiki got spammed up with those evil link spammers. Defacing all my handy howto's and replacing them with links to various websites. How annoying! Thankfully they haven't figured out my masterfully protected weblog! I'd be even more annoyed if they messed up my journal!
So, lets see. I still have the half way house. It's getting kinda old. I'm tired of all these people and I'd really like a week long vacation all by myself. But I don't see that changing anytime soon. My sisters x-husband has been causing all sorts of trouble too. Reporting us to DHS and the cops for random stuff that never even happened. Then here about two weeks ago my girlfriend left for California for a month. Now I don't have anybody to cuddle up with at night! Plus she watched the kids a lot and now I'm doing that. It sucks. Plus my boss at work keeps telling me she's never coming back! I want her back! I miss her.
Hmn, I still have my bike.. Err, I've all of them! Lets see there's my old Giant STP, then my Yamaha R1, then the Schwinn (Oh I'm up to 78 miles in a day now), and now a Yamaha Wolverine 450 SE (Hey, their called bikes too). The Wolfy is the newest toy. So mix the new cold weather and having a cool new toy - I haven't been riding my pedel bikes much lately. Which makes me a bit sad, I really enjoyed my bike rides. It always gave me a couple hour block of personal time. But it's just freezing ass cold outside and it's dark by the time I get off work. Hopefully here in two months or so I'll get back into that. The new 4x4 though has been awesome. I wanted something fairly sporty but wanted to have 4 wheel drive too. So I got the Wolverine. Some people told me I didn't need 4 wheel drive. They were wrong. I've been all over the place on this thing and several times I needed 4 wheel drive and a couple times I needed a locking front differential (which it doesn't have, sadly). I even got it stuck so deep in some mud I had to get my truck and tow straps and pull it out! The power of the bike isn't quite like my buddies with their pure-sport bikes. They can blow past me on a straight away but once we're in some trails I have no problem keeping up. When I first got it, it was reasonably powerful but was pretty hard to do wheelies on. I had to do a mixture of rocking, bouncing, holding the break while I give it gas, and a big jerking motion... To get the front end up. After I took it in for it's initial service they did all kinds of stuff including adjusting the carb. Now it's way more snappy and it comes up very easy! I can even feather it up/down a tad which I couldn't do at all before. I'm very happy with my pick.
So, lets see. I still have the half way house. It's getting kinda old. I'm tired of all these people and I'd really like a week long vacation all by myself. But I don't see that changing anytime soon. My sisters x-husband has been causing all sorts of trouble too. Reporting us to DHS and the cops for random stuff that never even happened. Then here about two weeks ago my girlfriend left for California for a month. Now I don't have anybody to cuddle up with at night! Plus she watched the kids a lot and now I'm doing that. It sucks. Plus my boss at work keeps telling me she's never coming back! I want her back! I miss her.
Hmn, I still have my bike.. Err, I've all of them! Lets see there's my old Giant STP, then my Yamaha R1, then the Schwinn (Oh I'm up to 78 miles in a day now), and now a Yamaha Wolverine 450 SE (Hey, their called bikes too). The Wolfy is the newest toy. So mix the new cold weather and having a cool new toy - I haven't been riding my pedel bikes much lately. Which makes me a bit sad, I really enjoyed my bike rides. It always gave me a couple hour block of personal time. But it's just freezing ass cold outside and it's dark by the time I get off work. Hopefully here in two months or so I'll get back into that. The new 4x4 though has been awesome. I wanted something fairly sporty but wanted to have 4 wheel drive too. So I got the Wolverine. Some people told me I didn't need 4 wheel drive. They were wrong. I've been all over the place on this thing and several times I needed 4 wheel drive and a couple times I needed a locking front differential (which it doesn't have, sadly). I even got it stuck so deep in some mud I had to get my truck and tow straps and pull it out! The power of the bike isn't quite like my buddies with their pure-sport bikes. They can blow past me on a straight away but once we're in some trails I have no problem keeping up. When I first got it, it was reasonably powerful but was pretty hard to do wheelies on. I had to do a mixture of rocking, bouncing, holding the break while I give it gas, and a big jerking motion... To get the front end up. After I took it in for it's initial service they did all kinds of stuff including adjusting the carb. Now it's way more snappy and it comes up very easy! I can even feather it up/down a tad which I couldn't do at all before. I'm very happy with my pick.
Zoomity Zoom - Happy Birthday - It's okay, they wont bite!
28 Oct 2008
So I got that Schwinn.. It's pretty awesome and I have learned a few things about road bikes. 1 - Don't pedal though the turns. I've clipped my pedals several times and once I lifted my rear tire up a few inches then back down as I attempted to pedal though the pavement. 2 - Flats in a turn suck. So I'm zoomin' along and lean into this turn to the right - suddenly my front tire starts sliding to the outside of the turn. I'd say a good 4-6 inches. Didn't crash but was pretty sure I was going to! Oh so today was my bosses birthday. A couple weeks ago I sent out some e-mails to get everybody to help get him a present. We ended up with about 200 bucks of money and got a water bottle for his bike, a gift card for Mickey D's (he loves his nuggets), some fig newtons, a gift card at the bike shop and a gift card at the camera shop. I thought he was gonna cry - it was pretty happy about it. The other day I took the puppy to the local dog park (Tulsa Bark Park) and that was funny. He was soooo scared... All the other dogs were chasing him around and he kept running and hiding under the bench I was sitting on. Hopefully next time he'll be better. He's part pit and I've been told it's important to socialize him with other dogs.
Mile after mile.
30 Sep 2008
Life's good, no really - it is. I am still the proud owner of a Half Way House hosting 5 people, 2 cats, 1 dog. The dog got some mite-killing-shots at the vet and now has a healthy coat of hair. I even built him a GIANT dog house. It's a 3ft cube with a traditional house top roof. It has insulated walls and sits 6 inches off the ground. It comes with a removable roof so during the winter it can host a sturdy insulated snow proof roof and during the summer it will have a light roof that provides shade but allows a lot of air flow. Mile after what? So.. A long time ago when I was a adolescent kid (long time ago?..) I used to ride by bike all over Modesto, CA. I went though a lot of bikes, I bent the wheels and fork on every single one of them. I had a few stolen. They were all single-speed bmx style bikes. I would do about 20 miles a day on a bike when I was around 10-16 years old. I swear that contributes to my really strong legs and muscular butt that my girlfriend is in love with. (I think she also likes me). I guess I grew up and stopped riding bikes so much. I think the big factor was turning 16 and getting a car. About 4 years ago I had some spare cash and went by Tom's Bicycles on Riverside (nice place - there's a "We smoke pot on lunch" feel but it's a nice place and good prices) and picked up a 2005 Giant STP 3 for about 450 bucks. I rode it a tad but not a whole lot. Maybe a couple times a month - I just couldn't fit it into a schedule.. Which is odd because lately I've had much more to do and for the last couple months I have been throwing down mile after mile on my giant. I started shortly after getting my new puppy. I'm not much of a runner anymore - the Army did a number on my knees or that's who I plan to blame. But I wanted to get my puppy out and run him into the ground.... Sounds nice, right? Well the damn thing is like a hyper active squirrel on crack chasing a imaginary acorn attached to a frightened cat's tail. One time I think I watched him spin circles for 30 mins trying to catch his own tail... Anyhow back to the point. I wanted to get him worn out so I started taking him on bike rides. First time out he'd average around 5mph or so - he was maybe 2 months old. We'd go out for about a mile doing a loop around the two churches next to my condo. One day I went for a "long" ride! Even though we stopped a lot after about 4 miles he gave out entirely. Drop'd down to a crawl of a walk - so I got off the bike and we walked home nice and slow. That was almost like a turning point for for his endurance. I gave him a couple days and we went back out doing almost 6 miles with a few breaks in the middle and he did fine. Now he's about 4 months old and will run a steady 8-10mph with some 12mph sprints for 6 miles without any stops and still chase the cat when he gets home. This dog-biking got me back into biking and I started going on rides by myself. So far my max speed is 32mph downhill and about 23mph on a flat surface. My max distance/time so far is 26 miles in 1hr 40mins. Nothing to brag about and I'm not bragging - just writing down where I'm at. I got my girlfriend a bike and have been motivating my sister to ride too. My 10 year old nephew did 24 miles with me the other day - a big increase over the 5 miles that wore him out last month. I've been getting my whole family into it. I'm looking to buy a couple more bikes even - just so we can all ride at the same time. I want to pick up a full carbon fiber road bike but I need to pay off my 2 CC's first. I'm looking at the Giant TCR Advanced 3. But who knows.. The local bike shop I'm using now is Bicycles of Tulsa - it's closer, and Scott Eckes is super nice, though Pat Coyle is grumpy old fart so make sure you talk to Scott.. Anyhow they have last-year Schwinn Peleton for 1300. It's a full carbon bike and rides pretty nice. I might get that, it's cheap for a full carbon bike and has great reviews. It sure doesn't have the snazzy looks of the new Giant though. Maybe I can get them both?
If you'd like to go for a bike ride in Tulsa... I'd enjoy some company anytime. Just msg me on the contact tab. I'd like to do the Oklahoma Free Wheel next year - it's a ride across Oklahoma over a week. About 60 miles a day. I'd also like to do the Fall Century ride next year - it's shortly after the Free Wheel and if I make it though that week I should be ready for the 100 mile ride a month later.
If you'd like to go for a bike ride in Tulsa... I'd enjoy some company anytime. Just msg me on the contact tab. I'd like to do the Oklahoma Free Wheel next year - it's a ride across Oklahoma over a week. About 60 miles a day. I'd also like to do the Fall Century ride next year - it's shortly after the Free Wheel and if I make it though that week I should be ready for the 100 mile ride a month later.
Married with Children.
18 Aug 2008
So..
I got married
My roommate left..
My sister had a heart attack
My sisters kid moved in.
I paid my moms bills..
My girl talked me into getting this.. dog..
MY sister's man left her.. She got evicted..
My new dog has Demodex Mites... He's going bald.
I got a second job.
I paid to move my sister to Tulsa.
My sister moved in with me.
Right now. There are five people, two cats, and one mange infected dog living in a 1k sq foot 2 bedroom 1 bath condo...
I need a raise.
I got married
My roommate left..
My sister had a heart attack
My sisters kid moved in.
I paid my moms bills..
My girl talked me into getting this.. dog..
MY sister's man left her.. She got evicted..
My new dog has Demodex Mites... He's going bald.
I got a second job.
I paid to move my sister to Tulsa.
My sister moved in with me.
Right now. There are five people, two cats, and one mange infected dog living in a 1k sq foot 2 bedroom 1 bath condo...
I need a raise.
New Castle, DE - Part 2: Oh shit, not that button.
16 May 2008
uh, I've already forgotten it all. So there was a big storm.. and the power went out. So I didn't get anything done all the next day at the office. I waited around twiddle-thumbing till a bit past noon. Finally I decided to go check out stuff. I went to the Christiana mall.. Then I drove up to Baltimore and checked it out there. Got some starbucks and visited their mall - was really small, and really hoodish.. I went to Columbia and they had a nice mall and a really pretty view. Lots of tree's. Come to think of it this whole place has a lot of trees. All the major highways and interstates are lined with trees so thick you can't see anything else as you travel. Kinda nice. Anyhow. I finally went back to Newark, DE. and for dinner I visited that sushi place again. I ordered something different and I recieved something other then I ordered. It small and bite size - but way to small. I got the check and saw I got something that was 5 bucks instead of the 11 dollar menu item I asked for. Maybe that's why it was so small. Whatever. I was still starving so I went to this chinese place and got some general tso's. It was gross. I went back to my hotel with another 6 pack from my friend Ollic? The russian guy at the beer store. I drank my four and went to sleep. The next day, bright eye'd and bushy tailed I was at the office and it had power! I got started working and as I was adding something to active directory I uh.. pressed the wrong key and well.. I deleted every user account and security group in the company. Which had a side effect of shutting down every single user in the company as well. My phone immediately started ringing, probably by 50 different people at once. I spend most the rest of the entire day fixing my deed. Well, getting it back to at least a point where people could do their work - somewhat. I finished up all the delaware stuff quickly, just a printer config and e-mail account left from the previous day anyhow. Around 2 I'd done all I could there and left. I returned to my hotel with a 6 pack from a co-worker from Mc Sorley's in NYC. Back at the hotel, bottles in hand.. I continued to repair the damage I had done and eventually feel asleep. The next day! It was the last day. I got up and walked downtown Newark for a couple hours just exploring their culture and meeting people. I was really shocked by the number of extremely attractive 20 year old girls walking/running about in just shorts and low-cut t-shirts. I could move here, in a heartbeat. My time dwindled down and soon I had to head down to Philly. I decided to run down Broad Street and drove a loop though their downtown area. I found a starbucks and got a another coffee mug. Driving through dt philly was exhilirating... It reminded me if the wild-wild-west driving style I perfected in Afghanistan. It was almost out of control, people flying each which way with little regard to traffic laws or street lanes. I liked it. On my way back to the highway I found a cheese steak shop and got myself a Philly cheese steak! Then back on the highway, car drop'd off. And soon I was in this little airport bar drinking beer. Some older guy sat down next to me and immediately starting talking. He wouldn't shut up - and he then started talking to everyone else too. He was nice enough though, just chatty. I looked at my watch and my plane was departing in 15 mins.... I paid and ran up to the gate where the lady gave me an awfully stern and disaproving look. "I've been yelling for you on the loud speaker!"... "They should install that speaker in the bar!" I hop'd on the plane where all the passengers where already seated and waiting. 3 hours later I was in St. Lewis where I picked up another starbucks mug and got on another plane. 2 more hours and I was back in Tulsa. My girl got me flowers, it was really sweet.
New Castle, DE - Part 1 : Two Flying Tin Cans, One cool Russian guy.
11 May 2008
So! This time we're off to New Castle, DE. You know, I like New Castle beer. Wonder how it tastes in New Castle? Anyhow. I got on the air plane leaving Tulsa at around 6am. It was short flight to Dallas, TX. I got my book out and told myself I would read it instead of sleep. Five minutes later we landed - or so it seemed as I woke up from my nap that I wasn't going to take. A little walk down to gate 23 and a stop at Mc Donalds I was ready for my next hop. An hour later the plane arived and I got on. I once again decided sleep was over rated and got my laptop to study spanish via Rosetta Stone. I made it through 2.5 lessons and my eyes stop'd opening back up. About 30m before landing I woke up and we'd drop'd down low enough to see the ground again. I just get so fasanated looking at all the geometric shapes that build our world. There was one spot where I could see the curve of the earth right off the edge of the ocean. Each time I take a plane I just stare out the window like a capture animal. Curious about each thing down there and wanting to go explore it. It gives me some appreciation for the pain my cats must feel. Anyhow, I got to Philly and found my rental - it was all mostly uneventful except this guy in front of me at the rental was hyperventalating over some lost keys. They gave me a Hyondi? Sonata. Not a bad car, fairly sportly v6 with ESC. But it has some kinda ABS on the emergency brake which really messed up my u-turns - I was highly disapointed. Oh, back on track. I found my way to my hotel, a hampton inn in Newark. Then I called "The Guy" who I later named "Bob" who would come and show me how to get to the office and unlock the door. The guy was awesome. First thing, he's all "How ya gonna find your way back after I drop ya off?" I said I'd get some really good directions. He just started laughing, drove off. As he went I heard him repeat me and then said to himself "Who's he gonna get them from?!" and I yelled at him "You!" as I hoped in my car and chased him down. We got there like.. an hour later - we drove a whole 8 miles. I assessssttsstteedd the situation there quickly as he show'd me around. Making a shopping list. He told me to keep the door locked while I was inside and don't go walking outside unless I was getting into my car. Then he said, "And don't go driving around the neighborhood" then he said something which I translated to "if you do go wondering around here, you're bound to get kidnapped, raped, and then shot..." It didn't seem that bad out there. I went off to Office Depot and gathered all my supplies. On my way back I decided I wanted a drink so I drove on past my office and wondered around a bit finally found a gas station. After passing "Fo brothers - soul food resturant" hmmn.. I don't think I'm eating there. I was very much in the hood. It was ratty all over and messy and nobody had pants that went -up- past their knees. I saw one white guy! He looked like the god father of some mofia. I kinda wanted to chat with him - he prolly had good stories but I decided to get back to work and safe myself any furth coming rape and removal of my head. I finished most of my work that night. I got the P2P T1 working and all the pc's setup. With just a printer and some basic user setup left. I left the office and headed back to this Sushi bar I saw while at office depot. The place looked cool once I got inside. Super cute asian chic meet me at the door and stuck me around the corner. Now initally I was totally thrown off by my sushi. I ordered some Lobster sushi and it came out all messy! Well by my standards. And the roll wasn't a size that my mouth could accomidate. Each peice was way to big. I like my sushi peices to fit in my mouth! And I like my sushi to be rolled nicely so that it doesn't break up when I try to eat it. Then the guy didn't give me the little bowl for my soy sause. Now that's a pain for me cause I mix that green horse raddish saush up with some lite soy sause into a swirly mix of nose burning acid. Which I couldn't do so well since I never got my little bowl! Then as I left the people near me got their food. It looked perfect! It was the right size - and looked rolled tightly. They got the little bowls too. Ohhh! I ordered hot sake and they didn't have any.. So I got.. cold sake... That shit is gross. Anyhow! The other people had perfect sushi! So I planned to return again and try something different. But next, I needed a drink for my hotel room. So I went to this gas station that had a liqure store next to it. Walked over to the store I saw a cop just chilling there. Always suspicious about cops and what they are doing. Anyhow that liquire store was closed and as I walked back to the gas store the cop left (this part is important). So I go in the gas store, look around. and What the hell - there's no beer. I walk up to the indian guy at the counter ( why is it the indians have the market on gas stations?) I ask the guy if gas stations sell beer in this state, he said "Nope, buy the guy next door does" and all be damn, it points at this guy in like. A Russian guy who turns to me and tells me "Oh, yea. But I can't open it up for ya right now it's past time and that cops out there watching.." I very happily informed him, "That damn cop just left! I watched him leave".. "Oh? Well then, come on.." This guy was awesome. He had a fantastic accent with a - to me - very funny choice of words. He let me in his shop after hours and sold me some guinness and a bottle opener. I kept thinking that I'd like to buy him a beer, or 12.. Just to hear him tell me some stories. Yeah, so now I'm back in my hotel with my bottles and some retarded Tv going. See how tomorrow goes!
Is She the One?
28 Apr 2008
It's a pretty popular question, one google search for "is she the one" returns over 59,300,000 results. It seems to me, that even asking this question is almost an answer to it. If she was "the one" would I ever even ask myself? Wouldn't I just know. Wouldn't I just be so completely in love and excited about the person that such a question couldn't even enter my mind without being immediately rejected as being a completely rediculous question.
Theres this review... http://www.askmen.com/dating/datingadvice/21_dating_tips.html Not so sure about it. But whatever, then I found http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith/getiton8.html that ...., then http://www.singlescafe.net/theone.html which explains love - pretty sure I don't have what it's talking about.
Theres this review... http://www.askmen.com/dating/datingadvice/21_dating_tips.html Not so sure about it. But whatever, then I found http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith/getiton8.html that ...., then http://www.singlescafe.net/theone.html which explains love - pretty sure I don't have what it's talking about.
Hop, Skip, and Ferry to Sausalito, Ca
28 Apr 2008
thursday mornuing I left. I day dreamed throughout the entire flight while looking out the window. Looking at each crack and line in the landscape and wanting to go down there and explore every bit of it. Finally in Sacremento - I got my rental car and allowed myself to get lost in the city for about an hour. The old hespanic style homes were beautiful. Finally I got unlost and found the freeway, I-5 going South. An hour later I was in Stockton and getting to work. Work work work, and finally.. I was done for the day - unable to do anymore untill some wires were run by the cable guy. So I went off to Modesto and visited my family. I went to eat with my Grandma and a couple of my aunts. It's rare for me to see them, and as my Grandma gets older my desire to see her more frequently grows tremendously. She told me stories of raising her 8 children while we ate. It's astonishing what women did 50 years ago - compared to the girls I date today. My hotel was in Lantrop, CA. A small town between Stocken and Modesto. I got there about 11pm - which to me was 1am. I woke up early, for that timezone and struggled to sleep until 6am PST. Back to work at 7am and had the job done by 2pm. That gave me a whole weekend for exploration. Over the day I drove around Modesto. Visited the Mall, went by all my old homes, and stop'd at my old church. I found my paster there and he gave me some advice on religion and relationships. That night I spend time with my family again. I wanted to take my Grandma to dinner, by herself. Someplace super nice - but I couldn't convince her t go. She wasn't hungry and didn't want to go eat. So I just hung out for a bit then finally when off to explore downtown Modesto. There's a lot more there then I remember. It has a nice density to it, compared to downtown Tulsa. I parked my rental and walked block to block checking the place out. I finally stop'd and got some pizza and a beer then, tired.. I found the car and made my way back to my hotel. The next day I had plans! I was going to drive over to Oakland.. And I did! I got there and drove around for the first half of the day. I parked on International Blvd and walked about 5-6 miles exploring all the little hispanic and chinese stores. Then I found Jack London Square, got on the Ferry and went to Fresco. An hour later it was time to catch another Ferry to Sausalito! It's a beautiful little town on the SF bay. I didn't get much time there - maybe next time I can explore more of it. Back to Fresco! Spend another 2 hours there wondering around the Pier 41 area until the final Ferry back to Oakland docked. Once back in Oakland I walked around for a bit and found a resturant but wasn't sure about it. I asked this older couple outside about it - and told them I wanted some good seafood. The lady sprung into excitement and started explaining the options I had. She told me of "one of the last original ones" hanging on a dock over the bay water just a few blocks over at the end of Jack London Square. That appealed me. So I went there and had some alaskan halibut in a garlic sauce with spinish and penne pasta in a very tasty tomato sauce. It was fantastic and the view was beautiful. Across from it was an old bar, that according to the sign had been in operation since the 1800's. Painfully, I eventually made it back to my rental and said goodbye the the bay. Back at Lantrop I found some pain pills for my back which was seemed to have some jagged chunk of metal shoved in between a couple of my vertibres - or so if felt like it. I found some beer and a bottle of Gallow wine. They make Gallow in Modesto - where I was born. I found out I needed a bottle opener once I got into my hotel room - I didn't have one and neither did the hotel staff. That was disapointing but I found a way to get the caps off. A few drinks and a comfortable pillow later - I was asleep. The next day, Sunday. I went to Church (at my childhood church, of course) that morning and met a few people from the past. Then with best wishes and a biscuit & muffin from my pastor. I hoped on the freeway and raced (seriously!) back to Sacremento. I got there in time, returned my car. And sat outside the gate that my plane would arrive at. I studied spanish most of that time and finally the plane show'd up. We all got on and I went to sleep. 3.5 hours later I was back home in Tulsa. My Girl picked me up - and took me home. In that 10 min drive I'd already got in trouble for not being excited about a phone she got. I understand her frustration though. I understand her wanting me to be excited about her phone. It just wasn't good timing. How could I be excited about her phone just then?! I just got back from a great trip! And I was tired. Her phone just didn't seem interesting at the time. I was still a bit aggrovated at her too. A day before I talked with her and was explaining my trip so far, and half way through a sentence she cut me off to ask what I'd bought for her. It's so frustrating - sometimes she's sooo about -herself- must be the Leo in her -shrug-. It really bugged me, too - cause that was like the 3rd time in 2 days that she'd asked about or requested I buy her stuff. Which, of course I did. But.. -sigh- Well I'm back home now.
SEEMYFOTO.COM! Your Event, Your Photographs. Get them online.
28 Mar 2008
Well, I have put together a simple website design and have http://www.brucemarriner.com functional. I need to process more images and finish out a few menu options, but it's essentially complete for now. I'm not sure I really like the design tho' and am throwing idea's around in my head. But what's there will have to be there for a bit - because... I got another domain! http://www.seemyfoto.com - I'm wanting to make money doing photography and events sound like a good place to start. So I'm getting t-shirts done with SEEMYFOTO.COM across the back of them and business cards made! The website will be designed to be a very easy to use (for all ages) site where people can purchase photographs I've taken at any given event. I got an account setup so I can accept credit cards and pay pal so now I just need to.. Build the site. I have the design drawn out on graph paper (my favorite starting place) and am excited about getting it done. Oh, and the http://www.tulsaevolve.org project is still hanging out there. That's going to be one big exciting project too!
Is it worth the effort?
21 Mar 2008
Well, I'm single again... Apparently I feel like talking about it too. So after dating this girl for about 3 months she came to me and told me that she felt like our relationship wasn't going anywhere. She said she felt that she liked me way more then I liked her (which was true) and broke up with me. Which seems pretty fair. A few days later she came back, asking for me back. So we talked about it and I finally accepted her back but told her then that I wasn't interested in playing games and wasn't going to do this again. Okay.. Now, we're 5 1/2 months into this and a couple days ago - she did pretty much the same thing. Just like last time, she's running back to me professing how horrible a mistake she's made and what not. But, I'm not really sure I wanna take her back again. I like the girl, she's nice to me, she's pretty, and very supportive of my goals. She's a really good girlfriend... well except that she's kinda a flirt and that bugs me sometimes but I wasn't insecure enough for it to bother me too much. Then, as my friend told me yesterday, we're total opposites on -every- level imaginable. We have absolutely nothing in common and that wears on me, a lot. It's nice to get excited about something -with- someone. And we really don't do that. It's nice to have someone that can introduce new exciting this into your life that interest you. Don't have that. What we did have, was nice though - and it seemed like it was growing. Over the last 5 months we've compromised with each other and adjusted small parts of us, slowly making ourselves a better couple. But, part of me really isn't all excited about putting more effort into this - you know, giving it another shot. So we can just do this same thing in 3 more months. I talked this over with a few friends too, to make sure I wasn't crazy. One told me it's good! That me and her are a horrible match (she knows both of us) and I should stay strong and not get back with her. The other, less extreme.. But, essentially the same final thought. Her take : http://sqls.net/files/molleebean.html
Into The Wild
19 Mar 2008
"the core of man's spirit comes from new experiences, and there you are stubborn old man, sitting on your butt."
Everyone should see this movie, everyone. If you haven't, come over - I'll play it for you.
Everyone should see this movie, everyone. If you haven't, come over - I'll play it for you.
A Real Photography Website!
12 Mar 2008
So, I've started development of an actual professional photography website. It's not even kinda working right now. But it's coming. So, please check it out - if it's not up when you try, it might be tomorrow. I will be posting my best photo work here and hopefully start building some paid customers! Yay! --- http://www.brucemarriner.com
One Powerful Sucker.
05 Mar 2008
Well... Not really. The first vacuum I ever owned came from a friend. It was handed down to him from his mom or something. It was pretty old but worked decently. I used that for a while until one day I found a shinny (not really) new vacuum sitting near the dumpsters at my old apartment complex. It was like a brand new vacuum compared to the old one I had. So the urban recycling program took place and I got an upgrade! I left my old vacuum in it's place. Hopefully someone else got it. I used it for the last two years. Finally the other day I actually -purchased- a vacuum for the first time. My cats were making a mess of my place with hair and my old one wasn't very good at cleaning it up. So I got the Bissel Pet Hair Eraser and it works wonderfully. I hope it lasts a couple years tho'
8 DAYS 2 28.
05 Mar 2008
So every year it happens.. I get older, officially. So in eight days I'll be twenty eight. March 13. So, I fully expect all my friends will throw a massive party and buy me all the http://sqls.net/wiki/LIFE:_Things_I_Want but I know the truth. I'll probably do something similar to what I do every other day. Maybe mom will call and a friend or two and say "Happy Birthday". Which is fine by me, I don't think I need to be celebrated. Leave that stuff for the heros and gods and what not.
Something weird happened recently.
03 Mar 2008
Holy fuck batman, 5 months?
BM 2008
03 Mar 2008
2007: Wrap'd Up.
03 Mar 2008
2007 was an interesting year for me. I changed a lot and had a number of experiences that I'll probably remember for a long time to come. I've managed to keep my same job and am continuing to do well especially for my age (or so I think). I purchased my first home, though it was in late '06 but it seems like an event of '07. I set a new land speed record for myself, 183 mph down the BA. I've realized the warranty on my body seems to have expired. When I hurt myself now, it seems to stick around for a lot longer. I'm still nursing a sprained ankle from about 6 months ago. Considering that, I am not sure if I'll go for any more land speed records. I became completely infatuated with a artsy girl in NYC. I even flew there to see her and NYC was an amazing place. She wasn't so infatuated with me and things eventually fell apart. Then I met a new girl who is infatuated with me - and while I wasn't at first I do seem to be slowly coming to like her more.. and more. So far, she's the best girl I've ever dated. I didn't do much photography this last year but I did go on a big road trip by myself. Just took my bike and a sleeping bag and visited 5 states in a big circle around the mid-west. Something about that trip seemed very manly and felt very free. Camping at 12k feet is cold, BTW. I maintained a 4.0 GPA for the entire year. Go Me! I actually got a really nice gift from someone I had no idea was such a good friend. My Boss. Every now and then he shocks me and I've slowly become to really like him. Tho' in a totally manly sort of way! -flex- My mom had a stroke and my aunt had a heart attack followed by a 5-valve bypass. They're getting older and my mom realized that we're mortal and it was painful hearing her tell me that. I'm growing up! Tho' I am not overly happy about it. The other day I said "Gah, I wish I had a nice powerful vacuum.." I stop'd and stood there for a min and just about slap'd myself. What the heck happened to wanting toys, fast cars, and fight club movies? Well, that's 2007.
so, we're just friends then?
15 Jan 2008
Last night I may have allowed something to happen that could end up being my second regret in life. I slowly allowed me and my girlfriend to become "just friends"... The last couple days were rough and I really just needed some time. So I was pushing her away. I should have just told her so she wasn't left in the dark. I know how she reacted, I've done the same. It makes you miss someone even more.. It makes you start trying harder when really you should just try a little less. We had a argument? on the phone the other day and I expressed some of the things that were bugging me. The next day she called and we spent some time together. She did two of my top things that were bugging me. It just drove me nuts, like she wasn't even listening the day before. So I told her I wanted her to go home. That I needed my own space.. She calls shortly after she left and I told her again, to just leave me alone. I can imagine how that must have felt to her. She's like me in the respect that I really wanna fix something -RIGHT NOW- when it's broke. It drives me crazy when somethings wrong and I just want to work on it till it's fixed. I've learned that sometimes the best fix is to do nothing but that took a long time for me to learn. So the next day she called and I didn't answer and a bit later she just show'd up with all my things. We talked for awhile and at the end she left and suddenly we were just friends.
Over the last month or so my appreciation and affection for her had been slowly decreasing. Things she does that didn't used to bother me now do. Stuff that used to be cute isn't really cute anymore. I'm not sure the cause of all of it. In a way you could say I've slowly lost interest in her from becoming bored with her. I've long known that I get bored with anything really fast. I'm officially ADHD, ya know? I need constant change in my life. I need things to always provide something new and fresh and to keep my curiosity peeked. So why would I regret loosing what I've lost interest in? Well... there are things about her that I really do like. Aspects of per personality that I respect and view as admirable things that I would want any of my girlfriends to posses. I think one of her best traits is her communication skills, well.. Ability and willingness to do so, not nessiceraly her ability to properly speak English.. She always expresses to me how she feels and alway wants to know how I feel. Though sometimes I'm not sure she listens to me! She's very willing to "work things out" when there's a problem. That's admirable for anyone yet few people are willing to do it. It's really important for any long relationship and I respect her for it. She's on her own, paying her bills, living her life. She doesn't live with mom, she has her own transportation. It's not overly impressive except that she's only 20. A lot of my other 20 year old friends are no were near her level of independence. I respect that about her a lot.
Sounds good right? So why'd I let us break up? Heck if I know!.. but..
There's also stuff that's missing! I wish she was more open minded, spontaneous, and willing to try new things. She seems pretty happy just filling her life with material items and that's a big contrast to me. I want to fill my life with experiences. I'd really like to see her working on some type of education too and moving forward in some sort of career path. Then sometimes she's just soo young and acts it and drives me nuts by doing so. But she is... 20.
Over the last month or so my appreciation and affection for her had been slowly decreasing. Things she does that didn't used to bother me now do. Stuff that used to be cute isn't really cute anymore. I'm not sure the cause of all of it. In a way you could say I've slowly lost interest in her from becoming bored with her. I've long known that I get bored with anything really fast. I'm officially ADHD, ya know? I need constant change in my life. I need things to always provide something new and fresh and to keep my curiosity peeked. So why would I regret loosing what I've lost interest in? Well... there are things about her that I really do like. Aspects of per personality that I respect and view as admirable things that I would want any of my girlfriends to posses. I think one of her best traits is her communication skills, well.. Ability and willingness to do so, not nessiceraly her ability to properly speak English.. She always expresses to me how she feels and alway wants to know how I feel. Though sometimes I'm not sure she listens to me! She's very willing to "work things out" when there's a problem. That's admirable for anyone yet few people are willing to do it. It's really important for any long relationship and I respect her for it. She's on her own, paying her bills, living her life. She doesn't live with mom, she has her own transportation. It's not overly impressive except that she's only 20. A lot of my other 20 year old friends are no were near her level of independence. I respect that about her a lot.
Sounds good right? So why'd I let us break up? Heck if I know!.. but..
There's also stuff that's missing! I wish she was more open minded, spontaneous, and willing to try new things. She seems pretty happy just filling her life with material items and that's a big contrast to me. I want to fill my life with experiences. I'd really like to see her working on some type of education too and moving forward in some sort of career path. Then sometimes she's just soo young and acts it and drives me nuts by doing so. But she is... 20.
Burning Man 2008
15 Jan 2008
I need to recap the last year. I feel I need to anyhow but I've not quite figured out what it is I should be recapping in my journal. But, that's a side note. BURNING MAN 2008, Yes it's me yelling - Not just capitalized so the letters will be larger in size. I have been wanting to attend Burning Man for a couple years now and my bravery? Or desire? has been growing. My hopes for 2008 is that I attend Burning Man. I want as many friends and strangers to come with me as possible. So, please check out http://sqls.net/wiki/BURNINGMAN:_2008 for more information.
Too Quick To Say? OR Just wasting my time?
04 Dec 2007
A couple days ago on the 1st my friend Bridget called me and asked how things were going with my new girlfriend Christian. I told her how I felt. Which is that she's very sweet to me but beyond that... There's really nothing else about her that I like. I had been thinking this for a bit now and hoping that over time I would learn more about her that I would (hopefully) find interesting. But so far I've learned nothing more! It's like she has no depth to her personality. I do not want to make any rash decisions about her. I want to give her a fair chance. But I don't want to be with her for no more a reason then so I won't be alone. That's not right. That night I explained to her that I wasn't all that interested in her and I that I don't see our relationship growing into anything more. We talk for a bit and decided to give it some more time and see how it goes. It's only been a month, right?
Last night I had a dream about Madison. I thoughts and feelings lately have been falling on her more and more frequently. I can't really remember the details of my dream I just recall talking to her on the phone. I miss her.
Last night I had a dream about Madison. I thoughts and feelings lately have been falling on her more and more frequently. I can't really remember the details of my dream I just recall talking to her on the phone. I miss her.
Things I Want.
23 Nov 2007
I used to have a small list of things I want / need on the stuff tab of this site. But I decided to move that to my wiki - which seems like a more appropriate location. So here's the list! Oh - this is a dynamic list of course and it is highly subject to change as I take interest in new things or buy/get items off the list.
http://sqls.net/wiki/LIFE:_Things_I_Want
http://sqls.net/wiki/LIFE:_Things_I_Want
The past repeats, time and time again.
20 Nov 2007
I have often felt that I have only one regret in life. When I was about 20 I met this girl Lindsey. She was so animated, fairly smart, had a respectable job and career goals lined out. She was crazy about me. She lit up every time she saw me and wanted nothing more then to be with me. I saw her fairly often - she was working at the double tree hotel where I was doing telephone work. I liked her, she was attractive, nice, good to me. She had all the right qualities. But I just broke up with Melissa and even though I broke it off I was still in love with her. No matter how perfect Lindsey seemed I couldn't get Melissa off my mind - even when I was around Lindsey. I tried to put Melissa aside and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't "like" this new girl - I was just too hung up on Melissa. A couple months after meeting Lindsey I broke her heart... She left my house crying and unable to even speak. She'd been pressuring me to explain why I refused to be more then friends with her. Somewhere around then Melissa had asked me to give her another chance. I was so torn - give the girl I loved another chance or let her go and try to be with this new girl who in many ways was so much better. I believed that things could not work out with Lindsey while I was still feeling so intensely for Melissa and because of that I chose to give Melissa another try. I tried to explain this as gently as I could to Lindsey. I failed horribly and said everything wrong. A few months later me and Melissa broke up again and I was finally over her. How I wished I could meet Lindsey again that very day. Walk into that office like I had never been there before. She would have been a wonderful wife and mother of my children. She ended up getting married to someone else some time later. She never forgave me for how I treated her. Though I don't think I did anything wrong. I was honest with her the whole time - but in the end I still so very painfully broke her heart. Just thinking about it makes me sad.
So, it's seven years later and I am sitting in such a very similar situation once again and I don't know what to do this time. It's even worse this time because my feelings are even stronger and I've allowed more to happen with this new girl. I don't want to break the new girls heart (Christian) but I just can't get Madison out of my mind. I find myself thinking of her while I'm out doing things with Christian... Wishing that I was with Madison instead. It's so much worse this time. Last time Melissa was -around- and it was just.. her in general I missed and thought of. I didn't get involved with Lindsey beyond a few friendly dates. This time it's hundreds of little specific things about Madison that I miss horribly and she's not here at all. Shes two thousand miles away and we're completely uninvolved with each other already. This time I'm dating and sleeping with the new girl.. (Christian) and am officially her boyfriend. But with all that, I still think of Madison constantly. I loved her more then anything else and I've done everything I can think of to remove her from my thoughts but I just can't do it. I heard a song that reminded me of her the other day and it made me cry.. Just then I looked and she was online so I chatted with her for a few mins. It was the first time we've spoke in several months and it was so nice. I miss our conversations so much, I miss how we were similar is so many ways. I miss her appreciation of new artists, interesting foods and her desire and acceptance to do just doing anything at random and trying new things. Christian won't do hardly anything with me, our conversations lack any level of substance. She's so narrow in every way and we are completely different in almost every way possible. Christian treats me so much nicer and feeds my emotions so wonderfully where as Madison was unable to do that. (Which lead to our demise). Christian tries too, she wants to make me happy - she wants to keep me. I appreciate her in a lot of ways but in her there is so much more I want. I want intelligent conversations, I want more willingness to try new things, I want her to stop being sick all the time, I want her to be more spontaneous, more open minded.. But all that aside - I want Madison back. I want to go to the park with her and play on that swing. I want to just up and drive to dallas with her, just cause we bored. I want to listen to some new pop artist sing some beautiful song and know that both I and my date appreciate it completely. I want to go try some new food style. I want to do so much with her.
But she's not here.. Christian -is- here and -is- trying to be something to me. While she's not all I wish she was and I can't seem to trust her, she is.. here. To me that's a pretty shitty reason to stick with her though. But I know in many ways I view her so lightly because I'm still obsessed with Madison. So I keep telling myself to just give it time. Which is what I'm doing. But how much time to I give her? If it fails in the end - I'm just wasting her time right? Why waste her time? Maybe it won't fail? Maybe we'll end up loving each other helplessly for the rest of our lives? I doubt that so very much right now.
So, it's seven years later and I am sitting in such a very similar situation once again and I don't know what to do this time. It's even worse this time because my feelings are even stronger and I've allowed more to happen with this new girl. I don't want to break the new girls heart (Christian) but I just can't get Madison out of my mind. I find myself thinking of her while I'm out doing things with Christian... Wishing that I was with Madison instead. It's so much worse this time. Last time Melissa was -around- and it was just.. her in general I missed and thought of. I didn't get involved with Lindsey beyond a few friendly dates. This time it's hundreds of little specific things about Madison that I miss horribly and she's not here at all. Shes two thousand miles away and we're completely uninvolved with each other already. This time I'm dating and sleeping with the new girl.. (Christian) and am officially her boyfriend. But with all that, I still think of Madison constantly. I loved her more then anything else and I've done everything I can think of to remove her from my thoughts but I just can't do it. I heard a song that reminded me of her the other day and it made me cry.. Just then I looked and she was online so I chatted with her for a few mins. It was the first time we've spoke in several months and it was so nice. I miss our conversations so much, I miss how we were similar is so many ways. I miss her appreciation of new artists, interesting foods and her desire and acceptance to do just doing anything at random and trying new things. Christian won't do hardly anything with me, our conversations lack any level of substance. She's so narrow in every way and we are completely different in almost every way possible. Christian treats me so much nicer and feeds my emotions so wonderfully where as Madison was unable to do that. (Which lead to our demise). Christian tries too, she wants to make me happy - she wants to keep me. I appreciate her in a lot of ways but in her there is so much more I want. I want intelligent conversations, I want more willingness to try new things, I want her to stop being sick all the time, I want her to be more spontaneous, more open minded.. But all that aside - I want Madison back. I want to go to the park with her and play on that swing. I want to just up and drive to dallas with her, just cause we bored. I want to listen to some new pop artist sing some beautiful song and know that both I and my date appreciate it completely. I want to go try some new food style. I want to do so much with her.
But she's not here.. Christian -is- here and -is- trying to be something to me. While she's not all I wish she was and I can't seem to trust her, she is.. here. To me that's a pretty shitty reason to stick with her though. But I know in many ways I view her so lightly because I'm still obsessed with Madison. So I keep telling myself to just give it time. Which is what I'm doing. But how much time to I give her? If it fails in the end - I'm just wasting her time right? Why waste her time? Maybe it won't fail? Maybe we'll end up loving each other helplessly for the rest of our lives? I doubt that so very much right now.
A little more thought, please.
14 Nov 2007
So Christian called me today when she woke up? She was asking if I'd be coming home on my lunch - which I planned on doing. It's sweet that she wants to see me and it does make me feel wanted. Then she asked me about the photo's Steve took of her and when they would be ready. This somehow lead to her vehemently explaining to me how "pissed" she was that Steve gave me one of the photos before giving them to her. I tried to side-step the conversation which didn't work.. I tried to calm her down - didn't work. So finally, aggravated by the whole conversation I just told her I'd talk to her later. Once getting off the phone I found myself getting more, and more.. upset - not only from what she said but how she said it. She was seriously upset that Steve gave me one of the photo's he took of her before she saw them. Upset enough that she was cussing about it at me. She was also upset that he hadn't got her? photos of her yet. I suppose I could understand it if say she was some random girl who hired Steve to do photo work and then he gave her photos to some random guy. But that's far from the case. Steve -paid- her to take photos of her - which I arranged to have happen. Steve has also been busy and was sick last weekend and just hasn't had time to get them all processed. It's actually rather time consuming to go though a photo shoot of shots and process them all - it's always been my most hated part of doing photography. I wouldn't expect Steve to put some high priority on getting it done either considering he wasn't really working for a client. They were his photos that he paid for. -blink-. Anyhow, he finally got time to work on some of them and he knew I wanted one to frame and put on my bookshelf. So he took the first one he finished and gave me a copy of it. As a favor to me. So even putting everything thing else aside - I wasn't very accepting of listening to someone bitch about one of my friends doing a favor for me. The fact that I'm her boyfriend even makes it worse. She should be pretty understanding of me wanting a photo for my office - hell she should be happy or honored that I would frame a picture of her and hang it in my office. Never done that for a girl before. Maybe I shouldn't have this time. Another cause of my reaction has to do with how loyal and protective I am of my friends. While, yes, Christian is my girlfriend. She's only been that for 2 weeks. That doesn't put her above close friends that I've had for years. She messaged me several times after we got off the phone. She mentioned that she thought I wanted her to tell me how she felt and here she was doing that very thing and it made me mad. Well, it's true. I do want to know how she feels - especially with regard to our relationship. I wasn't upset that she expressed her feelings to me. I was upset that she had the feelings in the first place and the manor she choose to express them. I did end up going home for lunch. I got there and put a few things away and she mostly ignored me until I came into the living room and hugged her while she was playing on the computer. I thought she might want to discuss things but instead she briefly said sorry and continued to play on the computer - not even looking at me. I went and did a few other things while she stayed glued there - and when the website she was on didn't do just what she was expecting she got mad at it - becoming a trend... I finally said goodbye and she wanted a kiss before I left. I was standing and she was pretty much unwilling to stand up and kiss me goodbye, until I basically forced her to. I guess even now I'm still aggravated and probably will be until tomorrow.
Riding Rules.
13 Nov 2007
I saw this on another guys MY Space, and I like it - well parts of it. I adjusted some spelling and clarified a point or two... :) but other then that it's intact. I might actually take this and stick it on my wiki along with some instructions on how to be a good passenger.
Rules for female passengers (Cause I don't take male passengers) :
1. If you don't have a bike but just happen to have your own helmet in your car - we know your playing us for a ride. We even have special names for you.
2. If you're going to go for a ride go with the nicest 1000cc bike - he's probably the one who is least likely to crash and kill you. If he has a nice 1000cc bike he's probably been riding a while. If you go with a tool who has a 86 ninja 250 we are all going to laugh at you. Plus, use your head, if his bike looks broke then so is he.
3. If the bike is a "Stunt bike" or rashed up all over then reconsider; there is a reason its rashed up.
4. If you're FAT! Save yourself some embarrassment and save us the aggravation of trying to tell you no with out saying because "YOU'RE FAT!!!!" For one, sport bikes are not even designed to handle fat passengers. Furthermore it's a heck of a lot harder to "pilot" a bike with a fat passenger. Lastly, we don't even want a fat chick wrapped up around us on our bike. We can only be sooo nice. Use your head.
5. If your friend is ugly or FAT (See rule 4) it is not my responsibility to get someone to take her.
6. If you have on a skirt then YES!!! We are going to lead the pack. It's our responsibility to all the other guys who want to stay behind us and look up your skirt. Besides, No one else knows how to get where we are going... (Right guys?) ---
7. Showing your nice tits will get you selected first for a bike ride.
8. STOP!!!!! and I mean, STOP! Fucking bashing your Pep-Boys helmet into the back of my $600 custom helmet... Beside the fact that I don't want my helmet all scratched and nicked up - If you are hitting it you are not sitting or riding correctly anyhow and you need to figure out what you are doing wrong and fix it. Because we're going to get tired of it and stop taking you out on rides.
9. Move back and stick your ass out... your squishing my nuts. No, seriously. Sitting on my ass and hugging my back not only smashes my nuts but it puts all your weight on my arms and makes it a hell of a lot harder to steer the bike. You don't want to cause me to kill us both, do you? You need to sit way back, rotate your hip so your ass sticks way out and lean forward. This has some other benefits for you too.
10. Stop scratching my tank with your fake J-Lo ring set.
11. Yes it is too possible to jerk me off while I'm riding my bike, rubbing gently works too... (Note: This will also ensure you another bike ride anytime)
12. It is customary to pay for motorcycle rides with oral sex. (NOTE: If your skills aren't up to par it is definitely ok to have a girlfriend of yours assist you. Team work is what it's all about.)
13. We know when a girl likes the bike and not us. If every time we call it's always the same shit, "can we go on the bike".... NO!!!!..... It's fucking December bitch.
14. Don't lean on your own, this bike has one driver and it's me. So just sit there right behind me and hang on.
15. No you're not going to "GO FLYING RIGHT OFF" (Unless you piss me off then it's a possibility.)
16. Yes I'm going to go fast... stop being a pussy.
17. Yes I just adjusted my mirrors to see your tits.
Rules for female passengers (Cause I don't take male passengers) :
1. If you don't have a bike but just happen to have your own helmet in your car - we know your playing us for a ride. We even have special names for you.
2. If you're going to go for a ride go with the nicest 1000cc bike - he's probably the one who is least likely to crash and kill you. If he has a nice 1000cc bike he's probably been riding a while. If you go with a tool who has a 86 ninja 250 we are all going to laugh at you. Plus, use your head, if his bike looks broke then so is he.
3. If the bike is a "Stunt bike" or rashed up all over then reconsider; there is a reason its rashed up.
4. If you're FAT! Save yourself some embarrassment and save us the aggravation of trying to tell you no with out saying because "YOU'RE FAT!!!!" For one, sport bikes are not even designed to handle fat passengers. Furthermore it's a heck of a lot harder to "pilot" a bike with a fat passenger. Lastly, we don't even want a fat chick wrapped up around us on our bike. We can only be sooo nice. Use your head.
5. If your friend is ugly or FAT (See rule 4) it is not my responsibility to get someone to take her.
6. If you have on a skirt then YES!!! We are going to lead the pack. It's our responsibility to all the other guys who want to stay behind us and look up your skirt. Besides, No one else knows how to get where we are going... (Right guys?) ---
7. Showing your nice tits will get you selected first for a bike ride.
8. STOP!!!!! and I mean, STOP! Fucking bashing your Pep-Boys helmet into the back of my $600 custom helmet... Beside the fact that I don't want my helmet all scratched and nicked up - If you are hitting it you are not sitting or riding correctly anyhow and you need to figure out what you are doing wrong and fix it. Because we're going to get tired of it and stop taking you out on rides.
9. Move back and stick your ass out... your squishing my nuts. No, seriously. Sitting on my ass and hugging my back not only smashes my nuts but it puts all your weight on my arms and makes it a hell of a lot harder to steer the bike. You don't want to cause me to kill us both, do you? You need to sit way back, rotate your hip so your ass sticks way out and lean forward. This has some other benefits for you too.
10. Stop scratching my tank with your fake J-Lo ring set.
11. Yes it is too possible to jerk me off while I'm riding my bike, rubbing gently works too... (Note: This will also ensure you another bike ride anytime)
12. It is customary to pay for motorcycle rides with oral sex. (NOTE: If your skills aren't up to par it is definitely ok to have a girlfriend of yours assist you. Team work is what it's all about.)
13. We know when a girl likes the bike and not us. If every time we call it's always the same shit, "can we go on the bike".... NO!!!!..... It's fucking December bitch.
14. Don't lean on your own, this bike has one driver and it's me. So just sit there right behind me and hang on.
15. No you're not going to "GO FLYING RIGHT OFF" (Unless you piss me off then it's a possibility.)
16. Yes I'm going to go fast... stop being a pussy.
17. Yes I just adjusted my mirrors to see your tits.
Yup, it's getting old.
13 Nov 2007
-rant-
Okay, she's starting to get old. I think I'll be some what happy when she gets her new apartment and moves out - a few days away from her would be nice. Maybe it's a mixture of stuff? But the biggest things that bug me are how she seems to always be sick and whiney. She acts like she's two years old and whines about and stays in bed half the day complaining that her tummy hurts. I'm sure it does hurt! I don't know what's wrong with it either. It makes me sad to see her in pain and I wish I could fix it. But I can't fix it and it's getting old. I wonder if she pregnant and I did mention that once and received no response. Part of me wonders if she would try and get herself pregnant with me - as many girls seem to try in order to (in some twisted sick weirdo way) keep me. I had a dream last night where she told me she was pregnant and was having twins but it would be a mis-carriage. That was freaky. It's still freaky. She's also getting way to clingy and that bugs me. I want her to miss me sure, but not cry/whine when I leave for work. Don't cry out my name cause I left the bedroom for 5 mins to get a drink or whatever. I'm not her fucking puppy dog pet. She's kinda messy. Like when she first lived with me she keep her stuff nice and tidy, she made the bed when she left. Not lately. Her clothes are all over the place, my closet floor is covered with them. Not to mention the fact that half her clothes stink so my closet stinks. The bathroom floor has her hair everywhere. Okay I guess that's not tooo messy, but it's enough to bug me right now. While this is petty? I wish she was a better bike passenger too. She's pretty decent but I just feel really cramped with her on my bike. I was talking to my friend Nikki the other day and she said Christian rides too close and too upright. Which matches how she feels on my bike. She also hits my helmet a lot. It bugs me, I don't want any chick bashing her helmet into the back of my 650 dollar helmet - I don't care if she's my girlfriend. I don't like it. I don't dislike her - [b[I do like her. But for a long term relationship I can see some big problems coming. I also won't marry a girl that isn't healthy and right now she doesn't seem very healthy.
-/rant-
Okay, she's starting to get old. I think I'll be some what happy when she gets her new apartment and moves out - a few days away from her would be nice. Maybe it's a mixture of stuff? But the biggest things that bug me are how she seems to always be sick and whiney. She acts like she's two years old and whines about and stays in bed half the day complaining that her tummy hurts. I'm sure it does hurt! I don't know what's wrong with it either. It makes me sad to see her in pain and I wish I could fix it. But I can't fix it and it's getting old. I wonder if she pregnant and I did mention that once and received no response. Part of me wonders if she would try and get herself pregnant with me - as many girls seem to try in order to (in some twisted sick weirdo way) keep me. I had a dream last night where she told me she was pregnant and was having twins but it would be a mis-carriage. That was freaky. It's still freaky. She's also getting way to clingy and that bugs me. I want her to miss me sure, but not cry/whine when I leave for work. Don't cry out my name cause I left the bedroom for 5 mins to get a drink or whatever. I'm not her fucking puppy dog pet. She's kinda messy. Like when she first lived with me she keep her stuff nice and tidy, she made the bed when she left. Not lately. Her clothes are all over the place, my closet floor is covered with them. Not to mention the fact that half her clothes stink so my closet stinks. The bathroom floor has her hair everywhere. Okay I guess that's not tooo messy, but it's enough to bug me right now. While this is petty? I wish she was a better bike passenger too. She's pretty decent but I just feel really cramped with her on my bike. I was talking to my friend Nikki the other day and she said Christian rides too close and too upright. Which matches how she feels on my bike. She also hits my helmet a lot. It bugs me, I don't want any chick bashing her helmet into the back of my 650 dollar helmet - I don't care if she's my girlfriend. I don't like it. I don't dislike her - [b[I do like her. But for a long term relationship I can see some big problems coming. I also won't marry a girl that isn't healthy and right now she doesn't seem very healthy.
-/rant-
I'm bound to ruin this, entirely.
08 Nov 2007
I should have been a detective or perhaps a cop? I'm so insanely suspicious of everybody. I question everything they do and say and run though my mind all the reasons someone might do, say, or ask something. The other day my girl Christian sent me such a lovely text message. Telling me how she misses me and hasn't gone a minute all day without thinking of me. I smiled so much reading her message and the world around me paused as I just thought of her. Then she wrote asking what time I would be home. What do I do now? I wonder, why.. Why does she want to know? Is she planning a surprise? Is there another boy over she must rush out the door before I get there? Is this why she said she missed me? Butter me up before she asks this question? Why! Why! Why?! Then I wondered rather I should even tell her? Maybe I'll say I'm getting home later then I will? That way if there is someone there I'll perhaps catch them? Maybe, oh.. What to do. --- Why do I do this? Why does my mind work this way? Why can't I just accept that she misses me and wants to know when I'll be home? -sigh-.. I told her 9pm, I got there at 8:30. She setup a picnic of sorts in the living room with a candle and all. She picked up sushi and was laying it all out where I got there. It was so nice of her and it clawed at the wall around my heart. She's so good to me, or it would seem. I wish I could trust her and I wish I could be crazy about her. Except I don't trust her - there's just some vibe I get from her that tells me to not trust her. Then I'm also still pretty hung up on Madison. I compare Christian to Madison all the time and often find myself wishing I was with Madison instead. Madison was so cultured and creative and intelectually interesting. Our conversations were amazing. While with Christian we talk - but not really. It's more a non-stop rampage of teenage mutterings from her while I sit and listen and wonder when she'll stop. -sigh- Don't get me wrong - I do like her and her photo hangs on my wall. I wake up each morning holding her and I miss her all day long.
She feels so nice.
06 Nov 2007
Wrapped in my arms. I'm getting insanely comfortable with having her there every night. I really thought I'd get freaked out by all this. I thought by now I'd surely be completely tired of her being around. Maybe it's because even though she is living with me right now - we still only spend a limited amount of time together because of our schedules. She comes home late and we'll spend an hour or two talking and kissing then cuddle together and fall asleep. I say goodbye a few hours later when I head off to work and don't see her again till it's almost time for bed again. I think it's a good setup! I really like having her in my arms and while I do enjoy talking to her - I know if I spent the last week with her during the day, all day long - She would wear on me. It's like the best of everything. I get to spend an hour or so every day socializing with her and each night hold her next to me. I would like to spend an entire day with her though. I want to go do something with her, anything. I guess she's planning on going back to her apartment soon and I realized that sorta makes me sad. I know it seems way to early to have her just living with me - but I don't like the the idea of her not being there either. I'll be fine of course, but still...
Maybe he is who he represents himself to be...
05 Nov 2007
When does this end? Maybe when I end it? Perhaps that time should come soon. When I was a kid bad stuff happened I guess. It's obviously perspective and my perspective for that matter. But it seems to me that on a scale I can reasonably say my childhood held a lot of bad days. Is that why I'm so emotionally distant now? It's weird too. I can chase all day long. I'll fall in love chasing someone or become their best friend without them particpating. But, once they start showing some honest appreciation for me or desire for me to participate in their life... I back off, no.. it's like a throw down the e-brake and spin to a stop then quickly go in the oppisite direction. But it seems to me that perhaps I'm grown up enough to at least let go of my fears of friends with older males. Just a min ago I was appreciating how nice of a guy Steve Overacker seems to be. I still don't trust him for a half-second. But, over the last two years he's grown on me slightly and I actually like him. I think he's safe, I think he's who he represents himself to be. I wonder if perhaps he actually is and I wish I could put away the thoughts my mind creates, I wish I could just believe he's who he seems to be - and trust him as my friend. I wonder when I'll be able to do that for anyone? When will I let go of my childhood problems and allow myself to embrace friendships as an adult...
She said YES!... Last night @ Tsunami
02 Nov 2007
And now I officially have a girlfriend. The first official one since 6 years ago. It's exciting and scary at the same time. I hope it works out, wish me luck.
UPDATE:
Here's her picture - http://sqls.net/files/My-Girl.jpg
UPDATE:
Here's her picture - http://sqls.net/files/My-Girl.jpg
Personality Traits? What clicks for me?
01 Nov 2007
I've recently been thinking a lot about what it is I really want out of a serious long-term relationship? Not just for, say a wife or serious girl-friend but also for real long lasting friendships. Though a few things obviously apply more to one then the other. So I've been trying to put together a list of personality traits and how I view them. You can read these on my wiki at http://sqls.net/wiki/LIFE:_Personality_Traits - I'm still working on it and I'm sure it's the type of list that will change frequently as I find out more about myself. The simple act of writing about them however help me understand myself more because as I write them down it forces me to put some thought into them.
So, what's my hold up?
01 Nov 2007
I knew she wanted to be my girlfriend days ago and since then she's made it overly clear. I can tell she's waiting on me to ask and is wondering why I haven't. Though, all she has to do is ask and I would tell her. Honestly I'm not sure why I haven't either. Hell we're damn near married right now anyhow! -smirk- It seems like a small mixture of stuff that just sorta bugs me or makes me wonder about her long term viability. One of the biggest things is that I want some proof that she'll be a good loyal girlfriend. I'm not sure how you prove that though! I've had so many in the past that were not and so I am very suspicious of any girl these days. She's real sociable with other guys and that doesn't help any at all. I figure it's much a part of her personality as anything else - but I also know that for a serious relationship I do better with girls that are a bit more conservative. She is also still wearing her engagement ring from some previous boyfriend - while it doesn't bug me much right now I know it will over time. I guess I want to see that she's capable of just being my girl - and not mostly my girl while a little bit somebody elses girl. I don't suppose it's fair to just leave her waiting and wondering but.. -sigh- On a side note, I wonder what about me she doesn't like...Seems likely that there's at least something.
UPDATE: So I was discussing this with a very good friend of mine and she said a few things that make sense ( http://sqls.net/wiki/LOG:Mollee-01-NOV-07 ). I think I'm going to take her advise. I just need to think up how...
UPDATE: So I was discussing this with a very good friend of mine and she said a few things that make sense ( http://sqls.net/wiki/LOG:Mollee-01-NOV-07 ). I think I'm going to take her advise. I just need to think up how...
What I like about her.
30 Oct 2007
I just wanted to write out a list of things I like about her. Try and put it all into perspective for myself. It's only been a month now since we started talking/dating so I'm sure this list will change and perhaps grow.
- Her Smile.
I really like seeing her smile. It's not just the smile but how her entire face lights up at the same time. I've always been a sucker for a good smile.
- Her laugh.
Some people have a very annoying, silly, obnoxious or awful sounding laugh. But not her. It's loud enough that you know she's laughing, it's subtle enough that it's not annoying, it's genuine sounding and spreads some excitement into the room. Her whole face lights up too and she's always smiling so beautifully when she laughs. It's wonderful to see and it makes me feel good.
- Good Passenger
While it's never been a requirement that a girl be able to ride with me. It's a huge plus. My bike is a big part of my life and it's nice to be able to share that with my girl. She's not only willing to ride, and ride fast - she enjoys it and is a pretty good passenger.
- She's Sweet to me.
I guess really most girls I've dated were pretty shitty to me. While she's had her moments she has overall been very nice to me. If she was any nicer I'm not sure I'd ever let her go :)
- She's open with her thoughts.
I appreciate and respect people who are able and willing to be upfront with what they think or feel. I think in the long run it prevents a lot of problems and saves a lot of emotions. She's been pretty open (so it seems) to me and I like that. She's mostly open with her feelings and she'll tell me if she doesn't like something for sure. Now I just need to get her telling me when she -does- like something :)
- She's kinda girly.
I never thought I'd like this in a girl. Really, I like tomboys. But I've come to appreciate her girlyness. Especially after I spend time with my less then girly girl friends who will burp and fart then cheer like a football player. She doesn't do that and I am very thankful. She's also fragile and gentle in a very girly way and while I used to enjoy wrestling with girls I think I appreciate how she is even more. It's like, I don't know what it's like! I just.. Like it.
- She's Clean.
I want a girl who smells like a girl, all the time. I want a girl who's tidy and neat. I don't want to cuddle up with someone and be assaulted with the sent of body oder and unwashed clothes. (Like a few recent girls I've met) So far she's been pretty clean and it's a positive thing for sure.. I might tho' now that I'm thinking of it. Pick up some of that wonderful smelling stuff Victory Secret sells.
- She's not clingy, but.. Not detached either.
Some girls won't let go of you, some won't ever pay you attention. She is a nice mix in the middle. She'll hug on me time to time then go back to doing something else. I'll do the same to her, though she's more gentle and I seem to assault her with some wild passion for a few mins then wonder off and finish cooking! But it's nice. We enjoy each other while maintaining enough distance so we can breathe.
- Sex!
While the first time or two it wasn't fantastic... Though that's common - takes time to learn each other and get comfortable. But these last few times it's just gotten better, a lot better. She's opening up little by little and I'm enjoying every little bit of it. She's easy to move around which promotes multiple positions - which I like. Actually we've made some position transitions that I've never got another girl to make without breaking contact. We seem to be a decent physical match for each other as well. Things just seem to fit about like a glove. She's become slightly feisty too and it's sexy. I'm getting the impression that she's open to having a creative sex life and that appeals greatly to me. Though she shut down the ideas of sex in public places :(.. I'll have to work on that.
- Her Smile.
I really like seeing her smile. It's not just the smile but how her entire face lights up at the same time. I've always been a sucker for a good smile.
- Her laugh.
Some people have a very annoying, silly, obnoxious or awful sounding laugh. But not her. It's loud enough that you know she's laughing, it's subtle enough that it's not annoying, it's genuine sounding and spreads some excitement into the room. Her whole face lights up too and she's always smiling so beautifully when she laughs. It's wonderful to see and it makes me feel good.
- Good Passenger
While it's never been a requirement that a girl be able to ride with me. It's a huge plus. My bike is a big part of my life and it's nice to be able to share that with my girl. She's not only willing to ride, and ride fast - she enjoys it and is a pretty good passenger.
- She's Sweet to me.
I guess really most girls I've dated were pretty shitty to me. While she's had her moments she has overall been very nice to me. If she was any nicer I'm not sure I'd ever let her go :)
- She's open with her thoughts.
I appreciate and respect people who are able and willing to be upfront with what they think or feel. I think in the long run it prevents a lot of problems and saves a lot of emotions. She's been pretty open (so it seems) to me and I like that. She's mostly open with her feelings and she'll tell me if she doesn't like something for sure. Now I just need to get her telling me when she -does- like something :)
- She's kinda girly.
I never thought I'd like this in a girl. Really, I like tomboys. But I've come to appreciate her girlyness. Especially after I spend time with my less then girly girl friends who will burp and fart then cheer like a football player. She doesn't do that and I am very thankful. She's also fragile and gentle in a very girly way and while I used to enjoy wrestling with girls I think I appreciate how she is even more. It's like, I don't know what it's like! I just.. Like it.
- She's Clean.
I want a girl who smells like a girl, all the time. I want a girl who's tidy and neat. I don't want to cuddle up with someone and be assaulted with the sent of body oder and unwashed clothes. (Like a few recent girls I've met) So far she's been pretty clean and it's a positive thing for sure.. I might tho' now that I'm thinking of it. Pick up some of that wonderful smelling stuff Victory Secret sells.
- She's not clingy, but.. Not detached either.
Some girls won't let go of you, some won't ever pay you attention. She is a nice mix in the middle. She'll hug on me time to time then go back to doing something else. I'll do the same to her, though she's more gentle and I seem to assault her with some wild passion for a few mins then wonder off and finish cooking! But it's nice. We enjoy each other while maintaining enough distance so we can breathe.
- Sex!
While the first time or two it wasn't fantastic... Though that's common - takes time to learn each other and get comfortable. But these last few times it's just gotten better, a lot better. She's opening up little by little and I'm enjoying every little bit of it. She's easy to move around which promotes multiple positions - which I like. Actually we've made some position transitions that I've never got another girl to make without breaking contact. We seem to be a decent physical match for each other as well. Things just seem to fit about like a glove. She's become slightly feisty too and it's sexy. I'm getting the impression that she's open to having a creative sex life and that appeals greatly to me. Though she shut down the ideas of sex in public places :(.. I'll have to work on that.
So, she's still here.
30 Oct 2007
So, that girl.. She's living with me now. Somehow I feel like I'm married all of a sudden and it's a bit freaky. But I know I'm not. See... Her roommate got bitch slapped with a gun and robbed the other night - right in front of her apartment door. So Christian is rightfully scared and I offered to let her stay with me for a couple days. I'm not sure how long "a couple days" is though. We're getting along pretty well though - to my surprise. It's greatly helped by the fact that we are dating non-exclusively. Though I'm not dating other girls or even talking to them. It does a lot to help keep me from becoming jealous. Something that I tend to do. I'm intensely suspicious and dis-trusting of others - especially girls. I suppose I clearly know the reasons for that. This, though, always seems to mess up my relationships. Christian doesn't make it any easier on me either. She's very social - with a lot of boys. That just sends my mind flying though thoughts and the one thing that currently puts it to rest is the simple fact that, officially, she isn't bound to anything right now. She can do as she pleases and I have no right to say anything about it. Part of me wants to change that.. Part of me likes her enough that I'd like to know she's only mine. But doing that might just ruin us completely. Though when you consider things realistically... If she likes somebody else and chooses to be with them. What difference does our title make? She can just as easily blow me off if she's "Girlfriend" or just "Girl". Besides, seriously.. When has either title slowed any of my previous girls down? So... Isn't it just a title that comes with a ball and chain? She's brushed the subject of girlfriend/boyfriend a couple of times as has her friend Regina. I get the impression that she likes me and she wants that title. She's told me stories of other boys (as has Regina!) who want her and I'm not sure what she thinks that will accomplish. Does she think that's going to prompt some type of jealousy that will push me into asking her to be my girlfriend? While it might create jealousy within my heart. My mind will quickly ignore my emotions, as it always does, and build additional distrust in her. Maybe I should mention that to her? I'm not sure where this is going nor am I sure what I want out of it. I do what to be in a relationship - a serious one. But is Christian the right girl for that? I donno. We actually talked some about this last night - I asked her a lot of questions and she asked me a few too. She talked a lot more and I laid silently next to her listening... Listening and evaluating her statements... If she was taking a test I think she would have passed but I'm still not sure about her. I obviously need more time and need to know her better before I can decide.
It's just sex, Bruce - That's all it needs to be.
17 Oct 2007
Why can't I just keep my emotions out of this? Along with my total lack of trust - could I leave that behind too? Or replace it with a total lack of caring? I thought I might be able to but I'm not so sure about that now. I've been "dating" Christan for what a week now? Wow, it feels like it's been 2 or even 3 weeks for some reason. My mind keeps telling me to not let her in - don't let myself like her. But the more time I spend with her the more little things about her I found that I like. She can be a lot of fun to just chill with. I know she's talking to several other boys at the same time. I am not sure how much though... Or how far.. That concerns me slightly but I try to keep in perspective that we're not serious about each other and that's been made somewhat clear. I also can't seem to trust her - maybe she can earn it? I don't know. But just off handly it's totally not there for her. Even for just a wishy-washy sex based relationship I need to have some level of trust. I want to feel comfortable that she's not sleeping with other boys at the same time (Well) as me. She has a stock pile of problems though and I'm not interested in dealing with them. She's unhealthy - has tons of doctor visits for who knows what. Is alergic to latex and my cats. The first being a bit of an issue for me. She's got money problems too and I have no desire to be somebodies suger-daddy. Not happening. But in a way she's doing pretty good? She's 20 and has her own apartment and a car, better then some girls I've had over. For a short term girl none of that matters but as I grow more found of her my mind quickly reminds me how she doesn't seem like a keeper. Granted this is just a week really. Who knows - shrug -.
SQLS Gone Wiki! (Part 2)
12 Oct 2007
Yea... So I was going wiki back a few weeks ago. I played around with making my own wiki parser but decided that was a big pain... So I've installed MediaWiki and it's now being used here to serve all the articles! I just have the basic setup working now but I will get it to match the site template here in a week or so. It'll blend it beautifully. Oh, I'm thinking about going Orange too.
Is this my cycle?
11 Oct 2007
So, quite a while ago I dated this girl Melissa. I think that's where this cycle started. Prior to her I would date pretty much anyone that paid me any attention. I didn't consider future or anything like that. But.. I fell in love with her so deeply. More then any girl ever before. About a year and half and that fell apart. I left that with little desire to ever fall in love again. Once again I would freely date any girl with little regard to future (comparatively speaking to my perspective of course) viability of the girl. Then I hooked up with this girl Julie and it was so far detached from any sort of emotion. We were like sex robots - and sex is all we did together. That lasted about a year and it left me feeling like some sort of tool. I felt empty and my desire to "love" a girl grew immensely. Me and Julie broke things off half due to my change of state and a the fact that I think we were tired of each other anyhow. I left that having absolutely no desire to another "fling". I wanted to be in a relationship that had some substance to it. I become insanely picky about girls and would only even entertain a girl I though would make a very good serious girlfriend with potential for more then that. I found one... I was instantly taken by her. Me and Melissa grew on each other over several months. Madison took my heart the day I meet her. Not once did she loose it either. Even today I am still in love with the idea of her - in love with all the wonderful aspects of her. My heart so easily ignored her faults and focused on all the good things. Problem is my mind didn't - It's always been the stronger of the two. It's quick to notice a fault and though it took some time before it could over rule my heart. It did in the end. Things looked ohh soo promising for me and her for awhile and like a switch it fell apart. The turning point was my trip to see her in NYC. I think.. I know, I was just entirely too much for her. Now? I'm back to having no desire for anything that remotely looks like love. Something wonderfully casual would be nice though. Not quite another Julie, no.. I don't want to be a tool again.. I'm not sure what it is I really want. I know deep down inside I still want a real relationship but I also know that right now I'm just not up for it. So.. Last night I slept with the "new girl" Christan. She's real pretty with wonderfully milky-brown skin. I don't know much about her beyond that though - right now. She doesn't seem to be going anywhere with her life right now. She is living on her own and I respect that. She's seems sweet tho' and treats me pretty nice. I'm not sure what she's looking for with me though. She dresses rather provocatively and is really flirty with lots of guys and that prolly means she won't stick around too long. In a way that kinda appeals to me right now.
UPDATE/NOTE:
I want a bit of history about Christan here beyond "I slept with her". So a week prior to this day, on the 4th. We were up at starmart/shell and she was hungry. It was pretty late and I talked her into? or she talked me into, hmmn. Anyhow she came to my place to eat something. We first went to walmart and got a whole bunch of food and then went back to my Condo and I cooked it for her. We kissed the first time that night - and she stop'd me and told me "I am not having sex with you." - which was fine by me. I actually liked her telling me that. We kissed and cuddled all night long. We both had work the next day, me at 7 and her at noon. I was half asleep all day long and she was a couple hours late :(... Prior to that we'd just been talking real briefly off and on for most of this year's bike season. She told me she met me last season but I don't remember... So - anyhow, no I didn't just meet her yesterday and take her to bed. She's actually the first girl I've been with since Julie, 3 years ago.
UPDATE/NOTE:
I want a bit of history about Christan here beyond "I slept with her". So a week prior to this day, on the 4th. We were up at starmart/shell and she was hungry. It was pretty late and I talked her into? or she talked me into, hmmn. Anyhow she came to my place to eat something. We first went to walmart and got a whole bunch of food and then went back to my Condo and I cooked it for her. We kissed the first time that night - and she stop'd me and told me "I am not having sex with you." - which was fine by me. I actually liked her telling me that. We kissed and cuddled all night long. We both had work the next day, me at 7 and her at noon. I was half asleep all day long and she was a couple hours late :(... Prior to that we'd just been talking real briefly off and on for most of this year's bike season. She told me she met me last season but I don't remember... So - anyhow, no I didn't just meet her yesterday and take her to bed. She's actually the first girl I've been with since Julie, 3 years ago.
HOWTO: Connect to iSeries AS/400 DB with PHP & DB2 Connect PE
05 Oct 2007
I'm now working on yet another howto! Yes I know I have yet to finish formating all my previous howto's. Well my job only gives me so much time for each project. But here goes for another peice'd together howto! We needed a way to access the database on our AS/400 iSeries server with PHP. I tried a lot of ways and found I needed to buy IBM DB2 Connect from, well.. IBM of course. I got that setup and mission accomplished! Read http://sqls.net/?s=article&id=9 to learn how to do it!
Like an itch that's clawing inside my brain.
29 Sep 2007
You're here - and I have a CRAZY curiosity to know who you are. This month 250 people came here and it's clawing at my brain as to who these people are. I'm sure some of you I know, others.. Unlikely. I'd like to meet all of you. No, not in a creepy dark ally or a even-more-creepy internet chat room. But, I encourage you to click on the Contact Me tab. Send a SMS message or an E-Mail, you can do both those things anonymously. Or add me as your friend on Myspace. I'm a -big- supporter of having friends and penpals all around the world. So, drop me a note sometime. We might end up being good friends :)
-- A note of sqls.net history.
Feb of 2007 SQLS received over 100 unique visitors. May 14th I posted here and asked who you are. July broke 150 unique visitors. Today? We're breaking 250 unique visitors this month. Recently I was visited by New Medio of Tulsa (Really interesting website, btw - http://www.newmedio.com/ ), Temple University, Some folks in Canada, "host11" at army.mil! nationalsafetycompliance.com, I wonder what they were looking for! Austrila, Dominican Republic, Germany, Andrews Air Force Base, NYC, Cincinnati, Hungary, Portugal, Great Britain, Romania, Philippines, African.... And a ton of folks in the Tulsa area. So I wonder.. Who are you?
-- A note of sqls.net history.
Feb of 2007 SQLS received over 100 unique visitors. May 14th I posted here and asked who you are. July broke 150 unique visitors. Today? We're breaking 250 unique visitors this month. Recently I was visited by New Medio of Tulsa (Really interesting website, btw - http://www.newmedio.com/ ), Temple University, Some folks in Canada, "host11" at army.mil! nationalsafetycompliance.com, I wonder what they were looking for! Austrila, Dominican Republic, Germany, Andrews Air Force Base, NYC, Cincinnati, Hungary, Portugal, Great Britain, Romania, Philippines, African.... And a ton of folks in the Tulsa area. So I wonder.. Who are you?
She slit my wrist and I bleed all over the place.
27 Sep 2007
So much. So here's a summary of the last month. School started! I'm taking Spanish I, American Federal Government, and Discovering Computers (ha-ha). I quit playing World of Warcraft as is normal for the busy school semester. So far I have all A's! But that's not saying much, who doesn't get A's on low level classes? I'm not sure if I mentioned this before. But along with Hapkido and Tae Kwon Do, I am now also taking Gumdo which is a Korean sword art. I have class of some type or another 6 days a week now. I adopted another cat. She's is so very beautiful. She was found with babies and was simi-feral so the adoption folks tell me. She is -very- easily scared. It took a few days but now her and Tiki are playing like I'd hoped. See I was thinking poor Tiki had to be lonely since I normally only come home to sleep. So I went looking to get him a friend. Anyhow about her being simi-feral and easily scared. I spooked her the other night and the little witch tried to kill me. She slit my wrist and I bleed all over the place. It looks just like I'd used a razor and it was really freaky watching blood drip from my wrist - though slightly exciting in a sick twisted way. Now on to something totally different. My jacked ankle is almost 100% again and I've stopped physical therapy. I can jump again too! The other day I managed to clear 13 feet with about a 20 foot running start. I'm not sure how far the average person can jump but 13 feet sure looked like a long way to me. My previous record was 10 feet. I wonder if I can make it to 15?
(EE) I810: unknown type(0xffffffff)=0xff
07 Sep 2007
So I just recently installed Gentoo on this gateway system I had laying around. Everything went fine and until I tried to get KDE running. When I tried to configure xorg or run X I would receive the error "(EE) I810: unknown type(0xffffffff)=0xff". After some searching I found http://abhidg.wordpress.com/2007/01/25/i915-problems/ and so I tried their advise. Which was to enable VM86 in the kernel. To enable this I needed to enable Configure standard kernel features (for small systems) under General Setup then inside Processor type and features I added Enable VM86 support. This completely fixed my problems.
Salsa! Samba! Girls & Spanish! No Tax! without Representation!
04 Sep 2007
The Continental @ 421 East 1st Street, Tulsa, OK.
28 Aug 2007
SQLS Gone Wiki!
21 Aug 2007
So the big hype of Wiki has come to SQLS.NET. I've started writing howtos on subjects that could easily be useful to a lot of people. Many of these subjects are often found on wiki websites. So I thought... why not write them in wiki format? I could get a wiki parser for the website here that could display them. Then the same file could be submitted to various wiki websites as well! So I did it. My first attempt at formatting a document with wiki is the Linux VPN HOWTO that I am still working on http://sqls.net/?s=article&id=6 I also figured, heck. I think if this goes well I might migrate all the presented documents on the site to a wiki format! I could also provide download links for each document so you could take the wiki formated document and submit it to any wiki you want, should you want to.... -shrugs- WIKI!
UPDATE :
This wiki stuff is crap. There's no standards. They are all different and the only major Wiki system (MediaWiki) has no parser tools that are updated. So short of writing an entire wiki parser tool that will be out dated once MediaWiki makes changes. I'm throwing in the towel. But. I think MediaWiki would take the world if they developed a parse class that could be used stand alone of the entire project. Because so many other projects could work off that. Their style would grow and soon they could be the standard. There is a project Creole which aims for bringing all the Wiki's together. But it's limited. I'll stick to my makeshift parse functions that do the things I need.
UPDATE v2:
-sigh- Alrighty.. so I found a parser that half-ass works for MediaWiki style markup that I am testing. I think I'll make a few changes and get it very close to the MediaWiki and Gentoo-Wiki style. This way I can write my howtos in the stuff section and be able to post the same file up on gentoo's wiki. We'll see how this goes.
UPDATE :
This wiki stuff is crap. There's no standards. They are all different and the only major Wiki system (MediaWiki) has no parser tools that are updated. So short of writing an entire wiki parser tool that will be out dated once MediaWiki makes changes. I'm throwing in the towel. But. I think MediaWiki would take the world if they developed a parse class that could be used stand alone of the entire project. Because so many other projects could work off that. Their style would grow and soon they could be the standard. There is a project Creole which aims for bringing all the Wiki's together. But it's limited. I'll stick to my makeshift parse functions that do the things I need.
UPDATE v2:
-sigh- Alrighty.. so I found a parser that half-ass works for MediaWiki style markup that I am testing. I think I'll make a few changes and get it very close to the MediaWiki and Gentoo-Wiki style. This way I can write my howtos in the stuff section and be able to post the same file up on gentoo's wiki. We'll see how this goes.
Gentoo Linux L2TP/IPSEC VPN w/ Active Directory/Radius/X.509 serving Windows XP/Vista Clients
17 Aug 2007
Right now! (well) I am setting up a new VPN solution for my company. Currently we use a Cisco system but are finding it to be rather limiting. Perhaps it's the version, the firmware, or the blackbox design of such a product. So our fix? Build our own. Using Gentoo Linux I am creating a L2TP/IPSEC VPN solution that is easily configured on Windows XP/Vista clients. It will authenticate username/passwords via our Active Directory servers and allow specific firewall rules based on the logged in user. This will lets us grant different types of access to our sales team vs vendor contractors or other people we allow it for short amounts of time. I am making detailed notes as I go along and you can see the progress of these notes at http://sqls.net/?s=article&id=6 It's just a text file now but once I get things working I will clean up the notes to a more HOWTO: style.
Outlook 2007 is Slow! Here's how to Fix Outlook 2007
13 Aug 2007
If you've installed Outlook 2007 you know it's slow! Here's what I did to get mine to run at a usable speed.
The most substantial speed increase I got was by turning off the "OutlookAddin." To do this on Vista you must run in Administrator mode. So right click on your Outlook icon and select "Run as administrator"
- Click on Tools
- Click on Trust Center
- Select Add-ins
- At the bottom Click Go
- Uncheck OutlookAddin
It's been said you can uncheck all of them if you wish. Some say the "Windows Search Email Indexer" is worth leaving enabled. And it's the only thing I left enabled.
The most substantial speed increase I got was by turning off the "OutlookAddin." To do this on Vista you must run in Administrator mode. So right click on your Outlook icon and select "Run as administrator"
- Click on Tools
- Click on Trust Center
- Select Add-ins
- At the bottom Click Go
- Uncheck OutlookAddin
It's been said you can uncheck all of them if you wish. Some say the "Windows Search Email Indexer" is worth leaving enabled. And it's the only thing I left enabled.
Everything is broken - but my tent works. School!
31 Jul 2007
In case you haven't noticed. This whole site is broken! Well, almost. The music thingy doesn't work and all my photos are no more then empty spaces. I moved the site to a different server while trying to figure out the problems with the old one. I should get photos/music back online soon. Other then that! Last weekend I floated the river with 7 amazingly beautiful ladies! What luck is that? It gets better. We then all camped out for the night. Could a boy ever be more lucky? I actually thought one of the girls was really nice. hmmn.. School starts in a couple weeks. This semester I am taking Fed Gov't, Spanish I, and Computer Concepts and Applications (Booorrrrinng). So summer break is coming to a fast end and my schedule is going back to -zero- personal time here real soon. Work, School, Gym.. Repeat. (wash as needed)
Back Home! Crashing Server.. ugh.. No Carpooling on the Internet Super highway!
09 Jul 2007
Back home now! My trip turned into 2945 miles over 9 days across 5 states. I saw the destruction of the Greensboro tornado, the depths of the Royal Gorge, forests and beauty of Northwest Colorado, the absolute nothing of Nebraska, beautiful hunter green rolling fields of corn in Iowa, what remains of Coffeyville after the flood. I slept in the rocky mountains surrounded by vast lakes of water and out on the great plains surrounded by.. vast fields of nothing. I raced through canyon roads. I met old friends for the first time and made new friends as well. I climbed to 2.3 miles above sea level. Then I went home. It was a fantastic trip all and all and I'm glad I did it. My cat was a total spaz when I got home. Meowing up a storm and poking and proding me (Literary). On a side note. The website has been crashing lately due to some hardware issues. I'm working on that. I'm also adding comments to the photographs and the ability for you to comment them as well. Hmn. I've done some research on Network neutrality and now having received a non-frantic and obsessed version of it. Actually understand it. I understand the views of all three? sides. I agree that the network providers should be able to recoup their multibillion dollar investments to bring fiber to your door step. If they can't. They won't build that network and we won't move forward. I also absolutely agree that there should be no carpooling on the internet! But if there's no law to prevent it. Who's to say it can't be done? Do we want the Government governing the internet? Probably not. But, if they don't. Would you rather have AT&T running the show? Heh.. Didn't think so. This is actually a perfect example of what the Government is there for. Rather we like the idea of them jumping in or not. But it's not as much a problem today. Because we don't have a common carrier with fiber at our door. But it very well might be much more of an issue in another 10 years.
More Photos!
26 Jun 2007
More Photos! So I've managed to upload a few new photos and you should take a look at them. I'll continue working on this over the next few days and once again after I return from my road trip.
Road Trip: New Orleans
22 Jun 2007
Okay! I finally.. wrote about my trip to New Orleans! Read about it here http://sqls.net/?s=article&id=4
Road Trip: Mid-America (Update!)
21 Jun 2007
So, heres the new schedule.
DAY 1: Depart Tulsa, 4am. Dodge City @ 9am, Garden City @ 12pm, Pueblo @ 5pm, Colorado Springs @ 7pm.
DAY 2-4: Colorado Springs!
DAY 5: Depart Colorado Springs 10am, Denver @ 11am, Depart Denver @ 3pm, Arapaho National Forest @ 5pm. Find a camp ground for the night.
DAY 6: Depart Arapaho @ 9am, Arrive at Rocky Mountain National Park @ 11am. Find a camp ground!
DAY 7: Depart Rocky Mountian @ 4am. Drive across Nebraska! Omaha @ 12pm. Head into Iowa, Cedar Rapids @ 6pm.
DAY 8: Cedar Rapids! All night fishing trip!
DAY 9: Depart Cedar Rapids @ 9am, Tulsa @ 6pm.
All together, 2300 miles.
DAY 1: Depart Tulsa, 4am. Dodge City @ 9am, Garden City @ 12pm, Pueblo @ 5pm, Colorado Springs @ 7pm.
DAY 2-4: Colorado Springs!
DAY 5: Depart Colorado Springs 10am, Denver @ 11am, Depart Denver @ 3pm, Arapaho National Forest @ 5pm. Find a camp ground for the night.
DAY 6: Depart Arapaho @ 9am, Arrive at Rocky Mountain National Park @ 11am. Find a camp ground!
DAY 7: Depart Rocky Mountian @ 4am. Drive across Nebraska! Omaha @ 12pm. Head into Iowa, Cedar Rapids @ 6pm.
DAY 8: Cedar Rapids! All night fishing trip!
DAY 9: Depart Cedar Rapids @ 9am, Tulsa @ 6pm.
All together, 2300 miles.
Road Trip : Mid-America
20 Jun 2007
Yea.. yea.. So I have -yet- to write about my Road Trip to New Orleans... Anyhow! Here's the schedule for my next trip. I'm leaving on June 30th headed to Dodge City in Kansas then after a meal and a look about continuing on to Colorado Springs. I'll stay in the springs for a couple days then on the 4th I am heading out to Denver. After a wild night in Denver I am driving clear across Nebraska to Omaha! Might spend 3-4 hours in Omaha then traveling further east to Cender Rapids in Iowa. Got a friend there and I'll stay there for a couple days. Finally, Sunday morning I will head back into Tulsa! Wish me luck.
p.s. I'm riding my bike for this trip.
p.s. I'm riding my bike for this trip.
Time for an upgrade.
05 Jun 2007
Well due to recent events I canceled off a couple thousand dollars in summer expenses I had planned! Which has lead the way to upgrading my home computer! (Though, it isn't going to cost $2k). Currently I have an Asus A8N SLI w/ AMD 4400+ X2, duel BFG 7900 GS OC cards, 1GB of Crucial low latt. ram w/ 2 36GB raptor hd's. All stuffed inside a Cooler Master RC-810 case. It's not that bad I know but it's time to move forward. I'm not replacing everything either - just about half of it. So I've picked up a Antec Nine-Hundred case, MSI P6N SLI motherboard, 2GB of Corsair PC-8000 ram, a Intel Core 2 Due E6600 CPU, going to throw a Thermalright Ultra 120 Extreme cpu fan on it too. Should be able to overclock it to around 3.0ghz and still have it very stable. Keeping my hd's and video cards. The old parts are going to upgrade the SQLS server! Yay! So we're going back to a native 64bit Gentoo install sporting all my old gear. I've even got a nice BFG 6800 GT card to put in it. Probably won't make much different on the website performance but surely will help some of the other tasks I put this server to. Well! That's it. What will I do with my other 1500 dollars in savings. Hmmmn,...
I found myself!
01 Jun 2007
So I was browsing some photo album and found myself! Look! This is me in NYC a couple months back. It was like 30 degrees out but I love ice cream! I bleached my hair out to almost white and got it dyed to silver. It was a fun color but about 2 weeks later it started fading to a greenish color. I was forced (by my workplace) to "return to a normal looking hair color" - pfft, corporate politics. Heck of a trip. I must go again. But last time I had to give up my ID and that's just not gonna happen next time. I need that so I can go visit all the clubs and other exciting nightlife that might exist. I think I'll need at least five days for my next trip there. I'm taking my camera next time. All of it. And I fully plan to spend hours doing photography - all by myself. Oh, I just dream of it!
On a side note:
Last month I had 102 unique visitors! That's the highest for any given month in the history of SQLS.NET. Guess it's not that big or all too amazing but. Kinda neat. Now, who the hell were those 102 people?
On another side note:
I have my music collection streamable now! It is still in it's infancy stage and needs a lot of work. But for a limited time it's open to everyone at http://sqls.net/?s=music try it out and msg me if stuff doesn't work. The old http://music.sqls.net still exists but it's not being updated and many files do not work on it. All development is going to the new integrated music interface I'm writing. Cheers!
Back to a more private me.
30 May 2007
My website is starting to be used for a lot more then an easily accessed journal for me and the very few interested parties. So I'm going back to a tiered journal. So those of you with a login should start using it again. Because anything of importance will be hidden or private once again. Also I will be changing it to flag new entries since your last visit. Cheers!
PS. Music section coming soon!
PS. Music section coming soon!
I wasn't prepared for that.
29 May 2007
Part of me died last night and for a moment I wished all of me did. I thought I was ready for the answer I expected. But I wasn't ready for what I was told. I had to ask though. Every time I saw her I wanted to hold her, to kiss her, to treat her as my queen. But she seemed distant this time. So I had to ask. I asked her if we would be more then just friends again. I wasn't asking for any commitment really or for her to take on any title even has minor as "girlfriend". Just that I could hold her again. I knew she'd go back to school in three months and would be gone from me again. But how beautiful our three months would be, it would far outweigh the sad goodbye. She just stood there with a mixed look on her face and all she could tell me was, "I don't know." For a moment I think she almost said yes. But then again came, "I don't know." I wasn't ready for that answer. Like part of her wants me, wants to be held by me, wants me to treat her like shes my queen. But some other side just won't allow it, won't let her heart be free. That answer just left me so completely torn. The idea that part of her cares for me and I just can't reach it is far far worse then anything else. She said she didn't want to just have a 3 month fling but.. what does that make my trip to NY, now? I told her we could forever be friends. I so wish we could because I enjoy her company so much. I wonder if she realizes how much she means to me. She has become such a huge part of my life. My room is scattered with memories of her, my CD collection sings to me of her, my movies tell me stories of her. But I just don't know how I can stand next to her, look at her.. Not wanting to hold her, not wanting to kiss her so sweetly, so softly. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that.
UPDATE - I wasn't strong enough. I guess this should have found it's own journey entry but somehow I never wrote about this. Every time she came over, ever time I saw her. I couldn't not want more then friends. My body and mind clawed at me each time I saw her face. Wanting to kiss her and tell her how I loved her. It was driving me crazy and finally I went to her and broke things off -completely-. I told her I couldn't see her again, or talk to her again, or anything else. That was pretty much the last time we talked too.
UPDATE - I wasn't strong enough. I guess this should have found it's own journey entry but somehow I never wrote about this. Every time she came over, ever time I saw her. I couldn't not want more then friends. My body and mind clawed at me each time I saw her face. Wanting to kiss her and tell her how I loved her. It was driving me crazy and finally I went to her and broke things off -completely-. I told her I couldn't see her again, or talk to her again, or anything else. That was pretty much the last time we talked too.
16000+ Songs, 1800+ Artists, 2000+ Albums.
25 May 2007
So, I've been working on sorting out all my music files over the last couple weeks. I tried this before with iTunes but it's lack of advanced tagging and file management features made it almost worthless. I got MediaMonkey and it's a massive step up over iTunes! You should try it out. But it lacked a few features and eventually I tried Amarok (which only runs on Linux) and it's fantastic! Absolutely perfect. I have the majority of my collection sorted out and cleaned up nicely. Just maybe 20G more to do. I'm working on making a online listing of it. You can see my progress at http://sqls.net/?s=music <-- Once I'm done I'll be able to stream all my music from any place that has internet access! I've also started re-ripping my CD's to flac files which sound so much better. Some people can't tell the difference from a mp3 and flac file. But with the right audio equipment you can hear it. For me, the music sounds more real. I use a bithead total DAC/AMP with Etymotic ER-4 head phones. Anyhow!
Stuff! Yes, MORE Stuff!
15 May 2007
Okay. I've been shoving notes and stuff in a folder on my laptop for awhile. Things I eventually intended to put on my website - somewhere. But it was all assorted and I wasn't about to add 10 new tabs on my navigation bar. So we now have "Stuff". Nothing amazing, just.. Well, Stuff. Check it out.
From all around the world.
14 May 2007
So, like most websites. I have a tool that tracks all the visitors and it will determine their city from the IP address and other interesting facts. It shows what search engine searches were used to find me as well! It's sometimes very interesting to see all the places in the world I've recieved visitors from. I often wonder who they are! So! You people should all visit my contact page and send me a message. I need more penpals from around the world. I have a few now! And It's just so amazing to learn about other people. So, this month.. I've received visits from: Barcelona, Parsippany, Dallas, Atlanta, Santa Clara, London, Indianapolis, Fort Lauderdale, Fairfax, Saarlouis, Sacramento, Montreal, Augusta, NYC, Syracuse, Mexico, and various visits from the Tulsa area. All adds up to about 40 unique visitors. I wanna know who all you people are! Oh, and who the heck keeps searching google for "Natzi Leather Helmets" and finding my website? Someone was looking for "queenies carrot cake tulsa oklahoma" - Apparently I'm the second link on Google for that search. I've never had their carrot cake, wonder how it tastes.
Cleaning out my closet.
14 May 2007
So, I can flag messages as Private so that only I can read them! Today I just up and decided to go though and make almost all of them public - short of a couple. Oh, and some that were Hidden (only people who can logon can read) and all of those are public now too! So! If you're insanely curious about me (not sure who would be) you can dig though my past and find things that were not there before! Not sure that this really matters to anybody, but.. that's what I did!
Old Ladies! Dead Dogs, Dead People, Mod50! Bikes and fun! Phew!
14 May 2007
Okay, the weekly update! Ummn. I still plan to write about my trip to LA. But, not yet. Friday night I went to Elephant Run with an old army buddy who always calls me up when he comes to town. I think he uses me as bait though. I'm absolutely certain of it. All these middle aged women go there and I draw them all over then he starts flirting with them :). I don't mind it's always a good time. One thing I truly appreciate about these older ladies is how up front they are about everything. They are not shy anymore and are just straight up about, well. Everything. It's a nice break from the opposite - which is very tiring. Why can't all people just be open and honest about how they feel and what they want? Sheesh! Life would be so much easier. So while I was there Ian (my roommate) calls and tells me someone backed over his bike. Great. I jetted out of there to go help him out. It's not unrideable - but has a lot of scratches. We still went out ridding that night and got home pretty late. Saturday I was suppose to eat breakfast at Queenies with a friend but I was too sleepy and didn't go, but it was okay! It was mutual sleepyness because when I got my wakeup call I was told the same thing. Then later we had our first full contact sparing class at my Hapkido school. That was fun - but I did get my ass kicked throughly by a 3rd Degree Black belt. But it was still fun. Drove up to the lake for the rest of the day and came back with a new couch?!?!! It's soo cool. It's this green thing made in 1949 but it's still super modern looking! Right outta mod50 or something. It's in the garage. Saturday night we went riding till about 3am. Heading back into Tulsa some dog? got hit? by a truck in front of us. Anyhow - there were a lot of cars and bikes and 3-4 of us didn't see it soon enough. We went pole vaulting over the bloody pile of flesh. It bent my shifter a little and left blood and smalls bits of flesh all across the bottom of my bike. I flew about 4 feet after hitting it. But other then that I was totally okay. Got to bed about 4am :). Woke up at 8am Sunday for a ride into Arkansas. We drove all over that state Sunday, spent all day long there. It was a great time - but it put the end of my rear tire; which is now showing its steel belt so it's time to buy another one. Got a whole 4k miles on it. Sure don't last long. Oh! Some guy got shot at Magoos Saturday night. Me and Ian broke off of the highway exiting differently. He actually drove past Magoos when the shots when off and I was pulling around the corner just a couple seconds later. We stopped at our hangout and watched as cops and whatnot flew down the road there. I have been going to Magoo's for about 7 years. Often, several times a week. The guy got shot in the head and died there. Not sure what prompted it all though. Thankfully the Army taught me how to dodge bullets! So I'll be okay. And! Dammit! So I got that seat cowl for my bike. Super nice and pretty and sleek. Ohhh so sad. Well, I didn't latch it back down very well Sunday and it flew off at about 60mph. It's not totally destroyed but it's looking pretty rough. Time to buy a new one. -cry- And I'm suppose to be SAVING! my money and paying down my credit card. Maybe I'll keep it for a bit.
Less Squeak, More Stopping, Woods or No Woods? - OCTOPUS!
11 May 2007
Okay, made it back alive! Tell the story in a day or two. Meanwhile this week Ian and I replaced my break lines on my bike with some steel braided lines. After a lot of bleeding the lines we finally got it right. Gah. But it was well worth it. We changed the oil too! Got the slave clutch cylinder fixed on my car and replaced the belts. So now it has a working clutch and does not squeak anymore. Also got all the other parts in for my bike. So it has a seat cowl now, replacing the factory seat. Oh! I got the steering stabilizer fixed too. So lucky that thing did not kill me. I am planning a trip to go camping Memorial Day weekend - but.. Not sure if that is a good idea. It is going to be CROWDED. But I really want to go before it gets hot and full of bugs. Wonder how bad it will really be? I want some quiet out in the wilderness for a day or two. They say you can hike in a mile away from the camp grounds and setup tents there. Maybe that is what I will do. Oh! Last night I cooked octopus for the first time. Was pretty good too. Real easy to cook
Just doesn't make sense.
03 May 2007
So, I called her again last night. A few times over a couple hours. She never answered the phone. About midnight (I was sleeping) she messaged me via AIM. She doesn't SMS me anymore and I'm not sure why. Is she trying to save money? -shrug- If that was the case I wish she'd tell me because it would make some things make more sense. But, she messaged saying she saw my calls and read my messages the other day but said they came in "broken and confusing" and I'm not sure what that means - but for some reason I don't believe it. She also asked why I was worried? If someone told me she'd been in trouble or what? But in both my messages -and- on my journal here I clearly described my concern. I checked the logs and it looks like she'd read my journal already that day. So, it doesn't make much sense. I am loosing my ability to trust what she tells me. That's a really bad sign. If I can't trust her, I can't anything else for her. Trust is so important to me. Another thought I had, it seems like she doesn't mind me around and will let me do as I please but doesn't really care if I am around or not...
On the Road..
02 May 2007
Ah! Change of plans! I'm going to LA! Be back next week, heh. I'm taking On the Road with me too. I just read a section the other day where he debated on a detour to LA. Funny, in a weird way. I won't be riding on the back of a flatbed truck - but I will be in a truck and will likely have a bottle of whiskey with me and heck, maybe I'll just smoke a cig too.
Things I forgot, new things,.
02 May 2007
Oh! More stuff. So I've started playing World of Warcraft again over the last month as well. Been needing to keep myself inside for a while and save up money. I have so frivilously spent money over the last couple months. Now I'm really kinda sorta.. broke! Anyhow! I've been so busy the last couple weeks at work I haven't had much time to play that game anyhow. We've been implementing so many new things at work and it seems like everything is alway breaking. I spent the majority of the last two weekends here and most all of the last two weeks of weekdays were 12-16 hour days. Really had me worn -way- out and really stressed. Yesterday we (my boss and I) had a little chat and decided it was time for a break. So no new changes for a couple months. I went home about 6 yesterday and went to bed. Slept till about 10pm or so. I tried to call Madison cause the other night I had a really strange dream where she was in trouble or something. Dreams are always confusing. I messaged her, twice that morning... She never messaged back and didn't answer her phone last night either. So either she's been kidnapped by some evil villain, dead someplace in a puddle of mud... Or she's just ignoring me - which would be typical Madison. Hopefully thats the case for the sake of her health - though it doesn't make me feel very good. Still worried and wish she could just take a second to ease my mind. Hmmph. I went back to bed then and slept till 6 this morning. I feel so much better. I once told myself I'd never allow this, this.. one-way relationshipish crap. Generally when someone ignores you and never reciprocates things you do for them or.. anything.. It typically means they are not interested in or appreciate you. That's about how I feel right now. I guess I'll keep to my plan and see how summer goes. -sigh- I started reading a book! Which is amazing for me, because I don't read books. I rarely can get myself to sit still for any length of time and read something. But, I'm giving it a try. On the Road by Jack Kerouac. I've only made it though the first 6 chapters so far but it been interesting enough to keep me reading it. There's a few phrases and how the sentence structure is that I really like. So we'll see how far I make it. I'm not going to Dallas this weekend anymore! My mom up and decided to come to Tulsa. She'll be here tomorrow then head out to LA then be back on the 6th for a day. I guess this means I need to go home and clean the bathrooms and vacuum! So much stuff to do! I need to get my bike cleaned which is filthy.. I need to get the steering stabilizer fixed that broke the other day on my bike - and probably could have killed me. Then my car's clutch is messed up. I think I need a new master clutch cylinder. I still have some wedding photos to edit and print for that couple too. Hopefully now that work is going to be calmer I can get all this stuff done. Don't really have the money to fix the car and bike but I also don't have much choice. It all evens out though in the end - it always has for me. Right now everything is pretty good just one or two things that I wish were different. I'm sure in time it'll all work out though.
The One Thing - I hate about Madison.
30 Apr 2007
The one and currently only problem I have with her. She absolutely refuses to tell me how she feels about me. Why the hell is it so hard? It's entirely unfair to leave me clueless. It's the worst feeling I've ever had actually.
School! Wedding! Pen Pals! Ouch - That hurt! A Girl from a time past! My Death......
30 Apr 2007
Yeah.. So it's been awhile since I've wrote! I think, well.. I know there is a reason for that. But anyhow. So, over the last month+. I finished my college algebra class with an A and didn't even have to take the final! I was going to take some summer classes but I think I'm changing my mind on that topic. Maybe in fall I'll take 3 classes, Spanish I, American Federal Government, and Trig. I need to keep myself busy with school. That helps keep my mind busy, my body safe, out of trouble, and well I need to finish school someday! Hopefully before I'm old and dead. I photographed a wedding just a couple weeks back. It was by far the best wedding I have been to. So now I have photographed four weddings total - each time begging people to not ask me to do it! Every time I am so nervous thinking that I will make a mistake. I feel like I'm more nervous than the groom and bride! Because to me a wedding only happens once, right? If I mess up something I'll ruin the memories of an extremely special moment that will never come again. But once things got going just as in the prior 3 - I put my camera to my eye and all the thoughts and stress left my mind as I just focused on what I was doing. What I was looking for - those little moments of emotion. Things went well and the bridge and groom absolutely loved all the pictures I took. They ended up with just over 400 photographs. Oh! At the after-after party of the wedding I met this girl from Mexico! She was here (in the US) for like 2 weeks. Real interesting to talk to; just because she was different I guess. From someplace else. Told me stories of her home city and such. Now I have another pen pal in another faraway place. Speaking of that, my very very long-standing pen pal from Switzerland who moved to Canada seems to have disappeared. I worry about whatever happened to her. I knew her for soooo long and then she just one day seemed to vanish. Makes me sad. About a month ago I sprained my ankle really bad. My whole foot swelled up so huge! Most the entire left side of my left foot was some weird shade of blackish purple. I've never sprained anything before and I'm not happy about it at all! I kept ice and a wrap and stuff on it for a couple weeks and most the swelling went away. My foot changed to an ugly shade of murky yellow that has just faded away over the last couple days. But there is still swelling under and just around my ankle. My foot still hurts too! Not sure how long it takes to heal especially considering my very physically active lifestyle. I hope it heals soon though! This friend from my -way- long past found me on MySpace the other day. I was so shocked and surprised getting a message from her. Knew her back when I lived in California and we kept in touch for several years till for some reason we stopped. Kinda neat though! She'll be the oldest friend I have now! Let's see. I met her first when I was 14? I think. So 13 years! She lives in NY too which just seems funny to me right now. She's all grown up? and married with kids and everything. Driving a SUV to football practice four nights a week. She said she wasn't surprised that I was single - never thought of me as someone who'd ever settle down for even a second. Maybe she's right. So last night... I very well could have killed myself or ended up in jail and I also almost? broke a promise to Madison which I actually feel really horribly bad about. When I made that promise almost jokingly I figured it was a safe bet because I hadn't planned on coming even close to breaking it. -sigh- Sometimes I wonder about the outcome should I end up killing myself someday. Which I probably will end up doing. What will I miss out on later in life? I'm not sure. I would feel bad if my mother ever had to bury me; no mother should -ever- have to bury her son. Beyond that though? What is there? What great future is before me that I should live safely in hopes of being there for it? There's future job advancement and tons of money that will come with it. But that's nearly insubstantial to me. There's Madison? Who I'm helplessly crazy about - but I would just be guessing as to rather she honestly hopes for any "future" with me. She'd be worth living a little safer for if I knew she wanted me to stick around. -shrug-, Is it worth living a less risky and exciting lifestyle at the hopes of living a longer life? One that may or may not contain a future worth giving up todays excitement for? Or should one live life up, to its fullest. Because you never know when it'll be over and you should enjoy as much of it as you possibly can while it's in front of you? That second concept is generally how I go about living. But sometimes I wonder. I think.. well, yes! I hope someday I do find something worth living a safer life for - because that will mean I've found something so wonderful and beautiful that it would outweigh all the things I stupidly? do today. But! Should I not die next week. My future for the next few months has some fun lined out! I'm hoping to go camping with Madison over Memorial Day weekend and we're going up to Colorado sometime in July! I'm sure I'll find other exciting things to do! I even have a few ideas that I haven't fully planned out yet. Hmn, this next weekend I'm going to Dallas for some car show thing with a few buddies. This morning I literally flew out of bed about 7am. I didn't get to bed till about 3am and when I woke up I knew it was entirely to bright outside. I should have woke up an hour prior. I jumped off the ledge of my bed to the floor several feet below and rushed though my morning processes. Out there door I went about 15 minutes later. At the office everything was chaotic with several computers having issues and our file server on the verge of crashing. I raced though the morning which was like a blessing to keep my tired eyes wide open. From computer to server to meeting I went. Things have calmed down now to a more normal pace but I'm nice and wide awake now! I think I'll eat some Chef Boyarde Beefaroni now. I'm hungry. And... Ummn?. There's the update of the life that is mine. Life is great.
Last night was so very nice.
30 Mar 2007
So! I woke up this morning and jumped out of bed like my normal self! Wide-eyed and full of energy. A few hours later I still have my boyish grin glued to my face and am once again feeling excited and entergetic about life. I slept all night long like a baby and woke just a few mins before my alarm went off. It was only about 4.5 hours sleep but that was plenty. Last night just after I climbed into bed Madison called me. I think it was around 11:30ish. I was really surprised and excited to hear from her and talking with her put the biggest smile on my face. After I finished talking with her I went outside for a bit and my cat showed up! Maybe wishing does work?
I wish for Madison to come home for Summerbreak :).
I wish for Madison to come home for Summerbreak :).
Batteries Low.
29 Mar 2007
This week has been rough on me so far! I've been really tired lately, like if my child-like energy had just been completely drained from my body. I've also been kinda cold lately too which is odd because normally my body is really warm. I have been waking up at night a lot but I still think I am sleeping enough. It's more like my spirit? that's tried I guess. I haven't seen my cat in four days and that has me really worried and a little sad too. Okay, maybe a lot sad - I miss that little fella. I've walked around looking for him and asked some of the neighbors but no one knows anything. I haven't talked with Madison in nearly two weeks now. I've sent her messages, even asking questions - but she never writes back; I've called her - but she doesn't answer or call back. She used to say Hi to me once or so a week and I really enjoyed those short conversations. So I miss her too and am worried why she isn't talking to me anymore. Monday I have my next Algebra exam that I haven't studied for - which is normal. I usually do my couple chapters of homework and study for the review over the weekend prior to the exam. 'Cept now I am apparently helping my neighbor move Saturday morning then helping an old roommate move the rest of Saturday! Then Sunday I have a handful of folks wanting me to go to Spavanaw while another group wants me to go to Texas with them. I've been trying to finish my homework just after work but I am having a really hard time concentrating. I wish my cat would come home, I wish I knew what Madison was thinking, I wish I could just go home right now and sleep the day away.
4 Monks, 2 Movies, 1 Night of Dance, 1/2 Moment of thought.
26 Mar 2007
This is becoming a weekly journal? Seems that way. Oh well so Friday night I tried to go do some riding but it started raining so Ian and I grabbed a couple movies from Blockbuster and headed home. I feel asleep like always some where in the middle of whatever he rented. Few movies can keep me captive especially when I start them tired. Saturday I got up around 9ish and went hunting down a tag agency. They were closed but I was near a friends house so I went over there and banged on her window till she woke up! I told her to get some clothes on cause we're eating breakfast at Queenies. She grumbled and complied but by the time we got to Queenies they were only doing lunch. So we both had a BELT! Which they called BLT With Egg Salad. Whatever. It's a BELT. For most of the rest of the day I cleaned up the side yards at my Condo and did a bit of work inside. I watched Motorcycle Diaries for the second time too. That's a great movie and I keep laughing at that first motorcycle crash in my mind. Saturday night I went out with a couple friends. First we stopped off at the Continental to hear & visit with Harmonious Monk for a bit. We moved to this other place but I forgot the name! Then we went to the templ. Never been there before but was really glad I was dragged there. It's been a really long time since I've been dancing and partly due to the fact that I only rave dance, well more specifically infusion dance, so you have to find a club playing the right type of music. It felt nice to disappear into that mindless state allowing my body to flow like a fluid representation of the music soaking into my soul. We were there for a bit and I was really dragged off the dance floor this time so we could head to Majestic. Stayed there till closing. I didn't really dance there much cause it wasn't really my type of music. But I still had a good time. Sunday was a good day! Spent nearly all day long biking unexpectedly too. I was going somewhere and saw someone I knew so stopped. We ended up meeting up with a couple other people I didn't know and just hung out all day. The one guy I knew I met just a few weeks ago. But I think he is going to make a pretty good friend. Later Sunday evening I watched 300 with two other friends on the IMAX screen. That movie is easily one of the best movies I have seen in a long time. After the movie got out a server crashed at the office so me and one of my friends went by my condo and fixed it over a few glasses of wine and some PS3. I guess he's a fairly new friend? and I don't know him very well. But he still surprised me with some interesting views and statements that I really didn't think I'd hear from him. Gave me something to think about and to perhaps research a little.
A weekend of biking and uncling!
20 Mar 2007
So, last weekend+. Let us see. Ian my roommate was overcome with the excitement of my motorcycle it seemed and ran out and got his own. A Yamaha YZF-R6, a slightly smaller version of my R1. He got the Red/Black one. So Friday night I went riding with Ian & his dad pretty much all night long. I think we finally got home around 3am. During that trip his dad and I decided we'd go to Spavinaw Saturday while Ian was stuck at work! So! Saturday I drag myself up and head to Magoo's for breakfast while I wait for Chris (Ian's dad) to wake his old butt up. My friend there convinced me to put my pegs back on and paid some other waitress to cover her shift for her. I figured anyone willing to -pay money- so they can ride on my bike deserves at least that much from me. We left for Spavinaw about noon and of course took all the scenic routes to get there. We ended up going though Jay and then across highway 10 into Tahlequah. We leisurely rolled though Sequoyah Park and got pulled over by a Park Ranger for going 8mph over the speed limit. It's an amazing thing how this always works out. You spend half a day going double or more above the speed limit racing though corners and flying down short straight-a-ways; then some 22 year old park ranger pulls you over for 8 over. After a bit of me being a cocky ass and Chris being very political we managed to leave without a ticket. Ate lunch at the old cafe in the park and headed out back home though Muskogee. We finally got back in town about 7ish. Chris broke off and headed home while I took my passenger home. Called up my sister and let her know I was ready to get James who I'd be spending time with till Sunday night. That night me and James watched movies and played PS3 till we both fell asleep. Woke up Sunday around 9ish and went out and played all day. After a day of excitement my sister came and got James. Later that night I went out riding again with Ian and a few other random people. Mon(day) seemed long and I was worn out from my weekend of no-sleep. I ate dinner at Magoo's and went home to take a nap. Then woke up a bit later and headed out to ride my bike some more. Mostly by myself though because apparently everyone was afraid it would rain that night, but it didn't. Madison sent me a message but by the time I tried to write back she was already offline. Just two words and she had my heart racing and my mind thundering with thought. It's like no matter how much I try to not think of her just the slightest thing sends me flying back.
Beautifully Stated
13 Mar 2007
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't suppose to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
~anonymous~
~anonymous~
Dammit! This happens every year.
13 Mar 2007
I am now officially one year wiser. Yes, Wiser! Thankfully I still fall more into the young and punky stage (especially with my green hair, go-fast-rocket-bike, and sexy leather jacket) then the old and grumpy. Yay for me!
Stick it to ADHD! Then cry and throw up all day.
12 Mar 2007
So I was skimming though a magazine and came across a full page advertisement for some drug! The headline screams, "Stick it to ADHD." First off, I am whole heartedly against this recent (well) spamming of drug advertisements in magazines and on TV. I've got plenty of drugs being pushed in my face as it is. Anyhow. They do provide some humor though. I like to read the possible side effects which are generally far worse then whatever the drug is suppose to be temporarily alleviating. So, this drug. Daytrana will solve all my ADHD problems? I'll be able to focus at work and get all my work done. I'll get a pay raise too I'm sure due to my improved performance! So, what do I gotta do? First off I have to wear a patch on my side just under my underwear. What? I bet that thing itches like nothing else. Probably burns too. But, the best part. Here's the possible side effects.
The most common side effects reported with Daytrana were decreased appetite, sleeplessness, sadness, crying, twitching, weight loss, nausea, vomiting, tics, affect lability, aggression, new abnormal thoughts, new abnormal behaviors, mania, and growth suppression.
You know, being excited and energetic all day long doesn't really sound that bad.
The most common side effects reported with Daytrana were decreased appetite, sleeplessness, sadness, crying, twitching, weight loss, nausea, vomiting, tics, affect lability, aggression, new abnormal thoughts, new abnormal behaviors, mania, and growth suppression.
You know, being excited and energetic all day long doesn't really sound that bad.
Stay Gold
11 Mar 2007
Well, I didn't go see that movie with my friend due to a forgotten essay that needed to be wrote by Monday afternoon. Or so I'm told but I don't much care I don't figure. Ted called me up at probably just the right time and I went over to his house. Tried some type of Filipino beer. Wasn't too good though. Fixed a couple computers and headed home! Everyone puts me to work fixing their computers. I ended up watching The Outsiders. Strange how that movie was introduced to me a couple times in the last few weeks. While I was in NY Madison mentioned it to me and told me some of it's story. How it was filmed in Oklahoma and who played in it. I'm sure she told me who directed it too. Then the other day a guy at Magoo's called me Pony Boy. Probably due to the color of my hair? Or perhaps my personality.. Probably my hair. Anyhow he told me that was someone in The Outsiders. So I went to Blockbuster and rented it. It's been sitting here for about a week now but I had 2 hours to kill so I watched it. Mid-movie there's a reference to the poem Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost. Close to the end of the movie Pony Boy reads a note from Jonny where he translates the poem for him. Jonny wrote "You're gold when you're a kid. Like green, when you're a kid everythings new, dawn. Like the way you dig sunsets Pony, that's gold. Keep it that way, it's a good way to be." I guess what I was trying to write the other day is that I want to stay Gold.
Coffee House on Cherry Street.
11 Mar 2007
Here I sit enjoying my 5-shot breve at the Coffee House on Cherry Street watching yet another weekend slowly pass by. This is my second time here and I really like it. It has a good mixture of personality and unique people. Though it does seem a tad more preppy then Shades of Brown. But Cherry Street is becoming more and more that way these days. The coffee is pretty good and priced reasonably and they do some creative art with the creme but that's nothing all that new. This weekend has been pretty good overall. I was hoping to go do some photography downtown but was swayed by my motorcycle and the excitement it brings. I was also swayed to put my passenger pegs back on my bike. Hmn, might take them back off though - the bike really looks nice without them and I don't really care to have passengers anyhow. Though a passenger does calm my suspension a good bit and I normally ride a little slower too when I have one. Maybe they are a safe thing for me to have? So anyhow Friday night I went riding but nothing too exciting. Saturday night a few of the old guys came out and that made for a much better ride. There is still a bit too much sand out and I probably went entirely too fast considering that. I kept it under three miles a minute by a... mile or two an hour. So that's almost like behaving, right? Anyhow. Today I need to get my laundry done, clean my bathroom and do a bit of work up at the office. It's raining a bit and hopefully that washes away more sand! Later tonight I am suppose to go watch Hannibal Rising with a friend but who knows if that'll happen or not. If not! I'll go to 818!
Everybody thinks I'm an immature kid, but I'm not.
08 Mar 2007
They say that Martial Arts is more then just fighting. That there is philosophical and personal development as well. From the window you might never realize that. A few weeks into class it isn't very apparent either. But here recently it has started becoming more and more apparent to me. My instructor Grand Master Moon is probably the most insightful individual I have ever met. He seems to understand me better then I do and I put a lot of effort into understanding myself. It's almost weird how he frequently offers advice on a problem I'm having in life. A problem I have never mentioned to him. Like if somehow he can just see it in me and know it's bothering me. Over the last six months or so he has taken an additional level of interest in me. Apparently I'm pretty good at this stuff and according to him I am very good with children. He wants me to start teaching classes and with that has been mentoring? me as a person. Tonight he came by to -chat- with me, somewhat unexpectedly. But I of course entertained his desire to talk, though I had wanted to talk with Madison at that time! He first started telling me about all my strengths as he saw them and then what I need to improve on. My front snap kick right? Heh, No. Nothing at all to do with my martial form. But everything about me as a person. He told me I was very responsible and have managed my life very well. He said I was very energetic and always happy and optimistic about life. He told me that I am very good with children able to quickly relate and build friendships with them. He said to some degree I am without fear. Always willing to try something new and give it my best; unafraid of possible failure or a potential chance of hurting myself. (Though I have recently found an area of my life where that isn't quite the case, where I am very nervous of failure). He said I am very confident in myself and humble about my abilities and accomplishments in life. Oh! He also told me that I have "special joints". I've kind of known this though. Pressure point and joint-lock techniques generally just don't work on me. I guess that's kind of nice. But it does pose a problem when training those topics at class. Other students are unable to get a good feel for the technique because I do not react appropriately due to it not hurting. It also affects my ability to understand a technique without being able to feel its effect. So, after all this. He tells me about my -fault-. Though I'm very sure I have many more then just one but this is probably the one he wishes to focus on fixing or help me fix. He told me I need more discipline in my life. That I need to be able to be serious at times and present an adult self. He said I am always playful and joking around. What is weird about this? Recently at work my boss had a conversation with me about my career path. He wants to get me in a position where I can take over his job (so he can move up, of course). He told me I need to learn more "corporate skills". To which I translated to "grow up and learn to play the political bullshit game". He told me I should be translating that as my way to a x figure salary. Which to that he is right. I do have goals in life and one is to be in a position where I can -very- comfortably support myself and a family. I have been working on being more professional at work because I know that's important for me to take on a management position. Though it is hard for me. It's like a struggle with who I am inside and who I'm expected to be by everyone else. Then in my personal life. I have recently been told that someone that means so very much to me thinks that I am immature. I've had that problem with many friends throughout my life. Most people initially view me as some irresponsible and immature kid. I never really understand how they can honestly feel that way. It seems as though they are unable to look past my child-like optimistic and energetic personality to the accomplishments and decisions I make in my life and the moral values I hold. I don't really discuss that side of me very often though. I feel like I'm bragging about my self when I do and that's not who I want to be. So I do understand that most of what people see of me is my happy-go-lucky self and that may be all they have to judge me with. I just wish they would look a little closer before stamping such judgments on my forehead. Grand Master Moon wasn't stamping judgment and he has taken the time to look closer. He told me that I should not loose my energy and excitement about life. But he said I do need to learn when to be serious and provide a disciplined and adult personality. He said this is important in all areas of my life. I can not disagree with him. I see the problems in my life as obvious as they could be. My largest worry is to become as many around me have become. So many people I know have "grown-up" but not just in the way they act either. It's like they have lost their energy and excitement for life. You can see it in their eyes; uneventful and dulled over like that of a captured lion. A lion that no longer even desires to run or hunt in the open wild. I refuse to become that lion. I refuse to loose my desire to explore the world, meet new people, play, dance, sing, I refuse to stop living life. Grand Master Moon wants me to discipline myself enough so that I can on demand present a serious and disciplined personality. He also wants me to gain the wisdom to know when I need to present that side of me. I am going to try to accomplish both of these things and hopefully balance it appropriately that I hold tight to my "child-like spirit". I think in the end it will make me a better person overall and I am always excited about improving who I am as a person.
When did it all change?
08 Mar 2007
Dear Madison,
I know I acted different while I was in NY. In a way I am kind of just now realizing how strange I really was and sort of starting to understand why. I've tried to figure out when it all changed. I remember back when we first started doing things together. Like when we went to Dallas. I was so comfortable around you and I felt like I could just be myself. I thought we had a really good time too. Somewhere between then and now things started changing. I started getting really nervous around you and really unsure of myself. I started liking you more and more and that just made me even more nervous. Normally I am really confident in myself. But I started second guessing myself on what I should do. I'd overreact to things and probably under react to others. I thought I knew myself really well but a lot of this is actually really new to me and I'm kind of learning as I go. A big part of my nervousness comes from never really knowing what you think of me. What you like, what you don't like. Another part stems from not wanting to make a mistake around you. This in retrospect seems to have been very counter-productive. Laity it has become so bad that I am afraid to even talk to you. Thinking I'll just make everything worse. I want things to go back to before I got nervous, before things got weird and complicated, before I got worried about whatever. Back to how things were when I was just comfortable being me around you. Spinning in parking lots and having pillow fights. I know I'm not perfect and I make mistakes. I know sometimes I can be very overwhelming and other times seem very introverted. I'm trying to get better about those two specifically. I still like you, a lot, and I don't necessarily want to change that but I need this painful nervousness to go away and I need your help. A while back we talked and I said I need to fix stuff when I think it's broke. You told me you normally just ignore it and hope it goes away. You also said that you appreciate that I would want to fix it though. You told me to be persistent and patient. While I'm not sure if I'm patient enough I do want to fix this and I don't want you to give up on me. I know I can seem like I'm still just a kid a lot of times. There is a reason for that if you want to know it. But I'm not just kid there is also a very grown up and responsible side of me. I can handle you telling me I made a mistake. I -want- you to tell me when I make one. I want you to tell me if I do something that bugs you. I need you to be honest with me. It won't hurt my feelings. I'll appreciate it and respect you for letting me know. I'm constantly trying to improve myself but sometimes I'm blind to my faults and it's hard for me to fix them if I don't see them.
I know I acted different while I was in NY. In a way I am kind of just now realizing how strange I really was and sort of starting to understand why. I've tried to figure out when it all changed. I remember back when we first started doing things together. Like when we went to Dallas. I was so comfortable around you and I felt like I could just be myself. I thought we had a really good time too. Somewhere between then and now things started changing. I started getting really nervous around you and really unsure of myself. I started liking you more and more and that just made me even more nervous. Normally I am really confident in myself. But I started second guessing myself on what I should do. I'd overreact to things and probably under react to others. I thought I knew myself really well but a lot of this is actually really new to me and I'm kind of learning as I go. A big part of my nervousness comes from never really knowing what you think of me. What you like, what you don't like. Another part stems from not wanting to make a mistake around you. This in retrospect seems to have been very counter-productive. Laity it has become so bad that I am afraid to even talk to you. Thinking I'll just make everything worse. I want things to go back to before I got nervous, before things got weird and complicated, before I got worried about whatever. Back to how things were when I was just comfortable being me around you. Spinning in parking lots and having pillow fights. I know I'm not perfect and I make mistakes. I know sometimes I can be very overwhelming and other times seem very introverted. I'm trying to get better about those two specifically. I still like you, a lot, and I don't necessarily want to change that but I need this painful nervousness to go away and I need your help. A while back we talked and I said I need to fix stuff when I think it's broke. You told me you normally just ignore it and hope it goes away. You also said that you appreciate that I would want to fix it though. You told me to be persistent and patient. While I'm not sure if I'm patient enough I do want to fix this and I don't want you to give up on me. I know I can seem like I'm still just a kid a lot of times. There is a reason for that if you want to know it. But I'm not just kid there is also a very grown up and responsible side of me. I can handle you telling me I made a mistake. I -want- you to tell me when I make one. I want you to tell me if I do something that bugs you. I need you to be honest with me. It won't hurt my feelings. I'll appreciate it and respect you for letting me know. I'm constantly trying to improve myself but sometimes I'm blind to my faults and it's hard for me to fix them if I don't see them.
Minor Update & Unexpected thoughts.
06 Mar 2007
Okay, I got the category select drop down thing in the photo section so it technically works. There are no new pictures but I should have some more fairly soon. I think I will go out this weekend and do some more photography. My new Samsung LN-S4095D 40" 1080p LCD HDTV is suppose to show up today. I think I'll watch Amelie tonight too. I've wondered how all those colors would look on a HDTV. Anyhow, so the Mac is going back into the living room and I'll be pulling out the beast again (which has all my old photos on it). I have almost all of my old photos sorted out but apparently needed a break from that task cause, well. I took a break from it. I've been living my last two weeks on adrenaline trying to keep my mind busy. It's been mostly effective and has made going to sleep a lot easier. Maybe once my head calms down and I hope it does eventually I will finish up the photo sorting project and get them all uploaded. Crazy, I never in my life would have thought a single person could effect me this way. I have learned a lot though. I've learned a lot about faults I didn't even know I had. I guess in a way I'm really new to honestly liking someone and apparently I don't really know how to act.
New Bike, Clean Garage, Long Lost Friends? And fun downtown.
05 Mar 2007
Okay, So I picked up my bike Tuesday of last week. I need to get some nice pictures taken but haven't done that yet. I changed my mind about getting the red/black model. When I showed up at the bike store they had one of the all black R1's in. After seeing it in person my mind quickly changed. It's so deceptively subtle and sexy looking. I ordered a Joe Rocket jacket and some Sidi boots. I think I want a pair of Held gloves but not sure yet. Anyhow! The bike is fully broke in and has received two oil changes already. I have about 500 miles on it now, I think I will change the oil again at 1000. Then every 2.5-3.5k miles. Hmmn, I thought I would ride slower then I used too. But the other night I went out with some group and found myself itching to pass everyone up though the corners. I stayed put though and road calmly, well until we headed back and cut though the downtown section of highway 51 which has some really nice high speed turns. Me and another old rider I knew left the rest far behind us. I need to keep in -my- mind that I haven't been on a bike in 3 years and be careful though. I took the rear footrests off the bike and that's helped chase off the already counting number of people that want me to take them for a ride. Not sure if I feel like taking passengers, not yet anyhow. I have also met back up with a lot of old friends that I haven't seen in 4 years.
So over the weekend I cleaned out my garage which has been needing to be done for awhile. I need to get all my tools sorted out and buy some sort of cabinet to put them all in. I changed the oil in the bike at it's 400ish mile mark and put a new battery in the car. Get a bike and 2 days later my car battery dies! Go figure. Saturday night I went downtown to some club with a bunch of girls on their "Girls night out" hehe. I was at Barns n' Nobles and Bridget was there so I said hi. She was with a bunch of girlfriends I didn't know them all, but "Some Girl", and Julie were there. "Some Girl" used to work the cafe but left a year or so ago. Julie (not TU Julie) works the music department. Anyhow! I stopped to say hi and they invited me to go with them. Didn't really socialize with them at the club, couldn't hear much anyhow. Julie and I went out on the dance floor and mostly just danced somewhat by ourselves and enjoyed the music. It was a lot fun and I should go do stuff with them more often.
Sunday I umn.. I went by Barns N' Noble again and gave Julie the yarn my cat refuses to play with. She said she'd make me a scarf but when she saw it's colors she changed her mind saying I couldn't wear those colors! Then I went to Borders and tried to do my school work there. Gah, it was packed and I couldn't get a table. So I went to my office and did my last couple weeks of homework and studied the review for today's exam. I got done and just rode my bike about for a bit, got some food, road around some more. Ended up picking up The Outsiders from blockbuster but when I get home Ian had some new girl over and we watched some other movie.
The End.
So over the weekend I cleaned out my garage which has been needing to be done for awhile. I need to get all my tools sorted out and buy some sort of cabinet to put them all in. I changed the oil in the bike at it's 400ish mile mark and put a new battery in the car. Get a bike and 2 days later my car battery dies! Go figure. Saturday night I went downtown to some club with a bunch of girls on their "Girls night out" hehe. I was at Barns n' Nobles and Bridget was there so I said hi. She was with a bunch of girlfriends I didn't know them all, but "Some Girl", and Julie were there. "Some Girl" used to work the cafe but left a year or so ago. Julie (not TU Julie) works the music department. Anyhow! I stopped to say hi and they invited me to go with them. Didn't really socialize with them at the club, couldn't hear much anyhow. Julie and I went out on the dance floor and mostly just danced somewhat by ourselves and enjoyed the music. It was a lot fun and I should go do stuff with them more often.
Sunday I umn.. I went by Barns N' Noble again and gave Julie the yarn my cat refuses to play with. She said she'd make me a scarf but when she saw it's colors she changed her mind saying I couldn't wear those colors! Then I went to Borders and tried to do my school work there. Gah, it was packed and I couldn't get a table. So I went to my office and did my last couple weeks of homework and studied the review for today's exam. I got done and just rode my bike about for a bit, got some food, road around some more. Ended up picking up The Outsiders from blockbuster but when I get home Ian had some new girl over and we watched some other movie.
The End.
She said "Hi!"
02 Mar 2007
Yesterday about 4ish I got a message from Madison. Funny, she actually said "hi" which is what I wrote I'd wait for her to say. My heart immediately started pounding and I got totally nervous all over and excited at the same time. I'd for the last week been trying to force Madison out of my mind. Push her out of my heart even. I didn't want to think of her or feel for her anymore. I thought I had done a decent job. I was feeling mostly normal again and wasn't feeling all crazy in-love and painfully missing her anymore. Guess I didn't really accomplish pushing her away though. But, Thats okay. I don't mind liking her. It's that crazy painful missing her, worrying about her, feeling that was causing me to be stupid that I don't want. Hopefully that stays away. I moved all the previously "hidden" messages to "private" messages too. I think I don't want to share my feelings with Madison anymore. I think I was overwhelming her with all the emotional stuff. I need to just stay calm and act be more of just a friend.
Whoa!
27 Feb 2007
Crazy. I look back at this last week of interaction with others and things I have wrote. Not sure what's with me. I mean, whoa. Totally stressing and freaking out over stuff that I shouldn't. Stuff I wouldn't normally. I feel really calm right now and totally okay in all ways. Happy even! Not totally sure why I was so crazy over the last week. I guess sometimes I get to growing this feeling or something inside me and it just has to work itself out. -shrug- I had a lot of disappointments over the last week and a few other less-then-happy things. But! I'm going to go get some new shades and I'm over my disappointments now. So we're on the up to highly excited and happy Bruce - Thankfully! I hope I didn't stress Madison out too much, by being so totally irate and what not. Guess there's little I can do to fix that if I did. Just going to leave her alone until she comes around to say Hi. I've also realized that I never really expressed how much fun I had in NYC. So for the record. NYC was absolutely amazing. I came home wishing I could up and move there because there is so much more I want to see. I am going there again without a doubt. I want to ice skate at Central Park and I want to go watch the sunrise at the castle. The subway system is strangely insanely interesting to me too. Anyhow! My host there did a great job of showing me all over the place and I know she was freezing cold too. I don't think I really properly thanked her and I need to do that now that I'm thinking more sensibility.
Meh. I totally lack the motorvation to create an interesting title.
26 Feb 2007
My weekend wasn't super exciting but I may as well write about it :) Friday night I went to Magoo's with a bunch of friends and gave an honest attempt to drink away my thoughts. I had a good time and sorta made a new friend while there. I made it home just fine around 1am and quickly realized I hadn't drank enough. A few hours later I managed to fall asleep. Satur(day) was mostly uneventful and I spent a lot of time cleaning my condo. Changed out the air filters and sprayed the outside for bugs. Even worked on my side yard a tad. I went to Barns & Noble and lost my sunglasses! (Oh well, good time to get a nice new pair). My friend was there who was having relationship problems and asked -me- for help. Funny. She's dating this guy who seems uninterested in her and doesn't ever "make a move". I helped her as best I could but.. hehe.. I wish I had all the answers because I could use them myself. Then I went to K&N and got the paper work for my new bike. I'll take that to the bank today and get a check. I'm excited. Satuday night I went to 818 which is fast becomming a favorite spot of mine. I printed out two photos I took a couple weeks ago. One for Aaron (bartender) and another for Sean (of Harmonious Monk) who I knew was going to be there. They all told me they really liked my photos. That is always nice to hear. I tried a bit harder to drink away my thoughts and I was a bit more successful but that almost got me in trouble for my drive home. When I got pulled over for speeding. But, I quickly explained to the cop that I speed regardless of how much I've drank. He agree'd after pulling my driving record! I took his little test and passed just fine. So he let me drive home ticket free. I ended up getting home around 2am and had a slightly easier time falling asleep. Sunday I cleaned a bit more! (It'd gotten messy). I built this computer for this guy that I don't really know. Just know that he could use a decent computer and a break in life. So, Sunday he got one. I like doing stuff for other people. But I've learned that it's for selfish reasons. Doing something for someone else makes me feel good inside. That's what I'm after, is feeling good about myself. Not really that I did something nice. Pathetic isn't it? Sunday night I watched a movie and some TV. Played a little PS3 and actually had a conversation with my roommate which is kinda impressive. Oh! I got to chat with my "Friend" Madison that afternoon which put me in a good mood. Then her Mom told me she prolly wasn't comming home for Summerbreak. Which prompty destroyed my good mood.
why fuck must I care? it doesn't seem to do me any damn good.
26 Feb 2007
-rant-
Why can't I be a normal guy? That runs around chasing any fairly attractive girl with no more desire then to take her clothes off? There's plenty of those options around me in my life. Plenty of places to find such a quick stimulating distraction. Why the hell must I actually care. It doesn't seem to do me any damn good. You'd think I was trying to be a good Christian boy and follow some moral laws and all that crap. I'm not even Christian! I don't even believe in God. So why the fuck do I care? Why can't I just run around and be a typical man? Right now I wish I could. I wish I could just stop caring all together and go find some cheap thrills in life to further distance myself from this caring bullshit. Far as I can remember caring has really never got me anywhere positive. Far as I can tell the only one I am doing this for is myself. All my friends chuckle at my "high-morals". I can't really recall anyone saying, Hey, you're a nice guy and I respect that. Bleh. So if it's just being a good guy for my own self, I might as well change. Because I don't really see how the hell it's helping me out right now. Tomorrow I get my bike and a big part of me already wants to make full use of that tool. I want to piss off some cops and out run them like I did so many times four years ago. I want to drag my knees though spavinal, jay then up to noel. I want to forget everything and just feel that mindless rush. It never leaves you feeling crappy the next day, it's always just nice when it's there with no sucky after-taste. It's exciting and mind-freeing. I'm sure I could find some boring girl to go along for the ride too.
-/rant-
Why can't I be a normal guy? That runs around chasing any fairly attractive girl with no more desire then to take her clothes off? There's plenty of those options around me in my life. Plenty of places to find such a quick stimulating distraction. Why the hell must I actually care. It doesn't seem to do me any damn good. You'd think I was trying to be a good Christian boy and follow some moral laws and all that crap. I'm not even Christian! I don't even believe in God. So why the fuck do I care? Why can't I just run around and be a typical man? Right now I wish I could. I wish I could just stop caring all together and go find some cheap thrills in life to further distance myself from this caring bullshit. Far as I can remember caring has really never got me anywhere positive. Far as I can tell the only one I am doing this for is myself. All my friends chuckle at my "high-morals". I can't really recall anyone saying, Hey, you're a nice guy and I respect that. Bleh. So if it's just being a good guy for my own self, I might as well change. Because I don't really see how the hell it's helping me out right now. Tomorrow I get my bike and a big part of me already wants to make full use of that tool. I want to piss off some cops and out run them like I did so many times four years ago. I want to drag my knees though spavinal, jay then up to noel. I want to forget everything and just feel that mindless rush. It never leaves you feeling crappy the next day, it's always just nice when it's there with no sucky after-taste. It's exciting and mind-freeing. I'm sure I could find some boring girl to go along for the ride too.
-/rant-
I just want happy without the sucky after-taste.
26 Feb 2007
Well yesterday I found out that there's a good chance Madison will not be comming home this summer. That was fairly depressing news. I was in a pretty good mood prior to that too. I talked with her a bit that afternoon and that helped relax me a lot. Why did Kelly have to tell me? I think I would have rather not even known. Now I realize that Madison may not even -want- to come home this summer. She may actually want to stay in NYC. She may not even care that she won't see me or perhaps prefer it. I'd guess that she doesn't really have much desire to come live with her mom for three months either. I've gone from missing Madison to realizing that I am probably really not going to see her again, anytime soon at least. Thankfully I get my bike tomorrow and that is hopefully going to provide a great distraction for me. I don't want to think about her anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I wish I could just be happy and enjoy the fun times we've had without this sucky after-taste.
What ever happened to Bruce a year ago? And who is this new guy?
21 Feb 2007
I was pretty amazed yesterday that I wasn't all crappy feeling and missing Madison horribly, which I fully expected to be. Well, maybe I was still high from the excitement of it all or something. I think that was it mostly and I was back home with so much stuff to do. So my mind was kept moving. Late last night that changed and now I am missing her horribly! I -really- enjoyed my trip to see her and I think maybe I enjoyed being with her a little too much. I'm not sure when this all changed, when I went from the old, cold and unemotional, Bruce to who I am now. I've been sorting out my thoughts on how I feel about Madison for the last few weeks. I wrote about this before a bit too back a couple weeks ago. Each time I would sit down and try to explain the way I feel about her the only answer I found was "I love her." I searched the internet, my past, my heart.. for answers. Every time I found the same answer; that one four letter word. It's been forever since I've used that word. I think maybe since it's been so long that it makes it more powerful a word to me? More powerful a feeling? I'm not entirely sure but it is overwhelming me. I like it though, very much. She does so much for me that she is totally unaware of. She makes me feel better about life which is amazing because I already thought life was great. She gives me a added bit of motivation to do and learn even more new things. Like! I'm learning to roll my R's just off a conversation with her. Because I know it will make a great follow up conversation. She makes me want to be an even better person. I am completely nervous about all this and extremely frustrated. How could I end up in this specific situation? I'm in love with a girl who lives 2k miles away that I will only get to see, maybe? every few months? On top of that she seems totally incapable of using even slightly descriptive words to tell me how she feels about me. So maybe she likes me a -whole- lot, maybe just a little. She allows me to do things that I would think would require her to like me a lot. But, every girl is different and that is a really hard way to judge someones appreciation for you. That right there is what drives me crazy the most. I feel like I'm dancing out on a limb, all by myself, somewhere over a great cavern with gusting winds blowing me back and forth. While I was in NYC I guess I kinda broke down a bit? I got to thinking in my mind how much I like her, how much I was enjoying being there. Then that day she was especially distant even so when I was kissing her later that night. Almost like she wasn't even there. I cannot explain how that makes me feel, but it's almost painful. So I stopped rolled over and just thought for a bit. Eventually I blurted out that I loved her and I demanded some descriptive answer about how she felt about me. That'd didn't work very well at all. I didn't get my answer and really just complicated things even more. I didn't even do a good job of explaining what I wanted, I was so tense and nervous. She thought I was asking for a commitment and I really wasn't. I know it would not be fair to ask either of us to commit ourselves to the other right now. I guess I just want a somewhat descriptive, vocal, reassurance that I'm not out on some limb somewhere. I know in my mind that I just need to relax. I need to be a little less emotional a little more old-bruce. I just wish I could tell that to the burning feeling inside me that just doesn't seem to go away. I am the point where I like her enough that I don't want to her to go away. I think that's causing me to be a little, uhh.. too much. She hasn't ever given me the impression that I would be loosing her but she doesn't ever say much that tells me she wants to stick around, either. She did say that "We're looking for two different things" and I guess that's not all that good of a sign. She has told me it is hard for her to be open with her emotions. Hard for her to talk about or show how she feels, especially to someone she -does- care about. I try to take that into account and just hope for the best. But, it is really hard on me. It's how I am I guess. I'm going to try to just relax and be a little more old-bruce and just not worry about all the self-inflected complications of it all. I told her once that I believed if a girl truly cared for me, she would eventually come home back to me. If she didn't then what did I loose anyhow? I need to maybe tell myself that a few times. Then give her a big hug and hopefully an equally nice kiss come summer :).
NYC: Part 3
19 Feb 2007
Gah, screw this! I'm tired. I'll write later. I'm home now, I miss her already. My flight was all crazy and messed up! But, karma proved itself once again and I made out just fine. I'm tired. Besides! I already just wrote two other journal entries! Though, -snicker- you can't see them.
Update!
Hehhehe! I still don't feel like writing this one! I've wrote even another one you all can't see though! Ha!. Ermn. brief listing! My flight was canceled or something when the NWA flights out of Tulsa got messed up. So when I got to the Airport they said "No ticket for you!" I was all, ohh shit.. But kinda really happy. I sorta hoped they said, Sorry buddy, come back tomorrow. Or, next week. Eventually they figured it out and fixed it. I ended up taking a First Class seat out of JFK. Which was nice! Never had a first class seat before. Detroit was super cool, they had this techno music and flashy color visualization -all the way down- the long pathway interconnecting the concourses. I could have laid down in the center of that and just gazed up into the lights for awhile. My layover that I expected was no longer there with my new flight plans and I had to rush my way to the next terminal. I got stuck on a mini-plane to Tulsa, my small frame felt crammed into that seat. I can't imagine how other larger people must have felt. I am constantly reminded how much I appreciate being small. I got home just fine and I felt alright that night and was able to sleep okay.
Update!
Hehhehe! I still don't feel like writing this one! I've wrote even another one you all can't see though! Ha!. Ermn. brief listing! My flight was canceled or something when the NWA flights out of Tulsa got messed up. So when I got to the Airport they said "No ticket for you!" I was all, ohh shit.. But kinda really happy. I sorta hoped they said, Sorry buddy, come back tomorrow. Or, next week. Eventually they figured it out and fixed it. I ended up taking a First Class seat out of JFK. Which was nice! Never had a first class seat before. Detroit was super cool, they had this techno music and flashy color visualization -all the way down- the long pathway interconnecting the concourses. I could have laid down in the center of that and just gazed up into the lights for awhile. My layover that I expected was no longer there with my new flight plans and I had to rush my way to the next terminal. I got stuck on a mini-plane to Tulsa, my small frame felt crammed into that seat. I can't imagine how other larger people must have felt. I am constantly reminded how much I appreciate being small. I got home just fine and I felt alright that night and was able to sleep okay.
Why is the timing always wrong?
19 Feb 2007
How could I allow this? Me of all people. How the heck am I in love with her? It's not going to work! She's 20! She doesn't want commitment of any sort and I do. The two of us are looking for totally different things. Heck, when I was 20 if a girl mentioned love I'd freak out and break up with her a few days later. Here I am telling her I love her, telling her I want more then friendship. I can sit down and write the ever so many reasons why I like her so much. But, that doesn't change anything. Doesn't change the fact that she'll be in NY for the next 3 years. The fact that she's 20 and uninterested/afraid of commitment just as I was. Heck, even worse. When I was 20ish I just wanted to take girls out and mess around and be done with them. I don't think Madison is that way, but she is distant and cold in the same way I was. So seemingly uncaring like I was and the girls I dated were when we both just wanted a few weeks of sex and nothing else. I don't think she just wants physical entertainment from me. But, gah. She sure would fit the role if that is the case. If it is the case I wish she could just tell me that - I can deal with that answer just fine. Seems like some story of my life, this horribly bad timing. Hopefully some day I find someone and we're both looking for the same thing. Hopefully I find someone and we're both looking for each other. I wish it could be Madison, I wish so much. But I have to respect where she is at in life and leave her alone.
NYC: Part 2
18 Feb 2007
Well! It's Sunday and tomorrow I go home. I got to NYC about 4pm Friday and made it to Madison's place at around 6pm. We went out and roamed the city! Ate great nitch food and saw many of the typical tourist attractions. I think the best part of this city is the energy of it all, it's life. The bustly of folks going and coming. I havn't really met a lot of folks here though I think if I was here longer I would quickly make friends. Everyone is nicer then I expected, much nicer. It's also not that ungodly expensive like I had though. Stuff really is about the same as Tulsa. Now there's some outragous stores with crazy prices - but, the average places seem just fine. Real estate is still expensive though :) I could really see myself living in this city. My host Madison has been great. I've really appreciated the time with her and I know already I am going to miss her painfully tomorrow. She's doing a bit of school work right so I kidna just went out on my own. I was going to go to Starbucks but I knew I could find something more NY. I found this place here, good coffee. Though I had to explain the making of a 4-shot breve. I think it's a gay coffee shop which I didn't know until a few mins after walking in :). But I don't care. I've chatted with a few folks and they are all nice. They had free wifi so that was a big draw. I'm done with my coffee and I think I'll go walk around a bit more. I need to think.
NYC: Part 1.
16 Feb 2007
Okay, well.. My trip to NYC has -already- added tremendous excitement and adventure to my life! okay, maybe not tremendous... But.. So, I hunted for -hours- to find the earliest arrival time in NYC for my flight. I find a Northwest flight that will get me there right at noon. My flight leaves Tulsa at 6am and I am there just past 4:30. Stand in line for, awhile. They tell me all Northwest flights have been canceled. Why? Well, they apparently have -a- deicing machine and it broke. They don't have an agreement with any of the neighboring airlines to beable to "borrow" a deicer. -Great-.. But! While in the line for, ever. I met lots of new people. This one guy going Ice Fishing with is son and this other guy who ranted a lot. There was a girl, ermn. I think she was related to the ranting old man, but she was nice. then! Like 3 different people tried to cut in line and me and the Ice Fishing guy told them off, one by one. We were the official line natzi's! Okay! So I get my new flight, American airlines connecting though Dalles. I'm now +3 hours on my arrival in NYC. -pout- I walk on over to their line, and stand.. wait.. Then I'm told, "Sir, you need to get in -that- line -over- there, the -international line-".. "But, umn. I'm not flying internationally".. "Yes, but they need to help you with your flight.." Okay! Next Line! I get checked in and run for the gate. I bump into a good friend from Magoo's who works for Delta. We say hi! And continue running to my gate. Jump on my plane! (kinda). We sit for a bit there... Ohhhh! Back in the American Airline line, a couple guys from the Northwest line met up with me again. They got a bunch of food tickets (I got a different NWA guy, who wasn't so free with them). They gave me 3 tickets! See, it's good to make friends -everywhere- you go. So -right now- I'm enjoying some dark ale which will be totally free to me. Okay! Back to the American Airlines airplane. So, the Cpt guy gets on the air and says "We've got some loud noise coming from the back of the plane and we're going to have maintenance check it out." I'm, all.. Dammit! Time goes by, and I think of being stuck in this thing for 11 hours. The Cpt goes back on and says "Well! Maintenance said it all looks okay, and the sound seems to have faded! We're cleared to take off". I got to Dallas just fine and my 2 rowmates were very uninteresting so, no luck there. But the super-chatty french lady and guy the row behind me sounded really fun. Wish I was in that row. I'm at "Tigin" some Irish Pub? and waiting for my next hop. Wonder what'll happen next. Ohhh! When I got off the flight I asked the status of my next flight 2212, it's delayed "about 30 mins", so now I'm roughly +4 hours on my arrival. I am going to really miss those precious 4 hours when I'm leaving NYC, when I'm waving goodbye to Madison.
It's like I fall in love with her every day, all over again.
13 Feb 2007
This could end up being pretty long. So, I have been trying to understand what makes Madison so different. What is it about her that has captured me in a way I have never before been captured. Hopefully if I put down enough thoughts on the issue it will make this clearer to me. I want to describe what this is; I want to give it a name. Maybe I want to stick a sticker on it and sell it at some local cafe? I am pretty sure it would be labeled "love" and that is definitely the word that keeps entering my mind when I think of her. A long time ago I thought I loved a girl, but it was nothing like this. This is far stronger and my thoughts are so different this time. This will be slowly updated as I new things come to my mind and as I find time to jot them down.
She has a child-like and totally free spirit.
This is probably one of the biggest things that draws me to her. As it was with Melissa five years ago. There's something very powerful about her spirit. I can feel it just standing near her. Such a free and child-like soul. With all the excitement and wonderlust for the world that is so often lost as we grow older. You can see it in her eyes too, it's that sparkle that people have before they loose their childish energy. Yet, somehow she's kept it. Hopefully she never looses it. It's a wonderful thing to have.
We're so different yet very much the same
They say opposites attract and that might very well be true. But I'm not sure i would want someone who was a total opposite of me. She's not a complete opposite though. There's so many things that we both seem to have in common. Things we enjoy doing. But, at the same time there is so much about her that is almost completely opposite of me. She's an art student and I'm an engineering geek. She's emotionally distant while I am not. She has a hard time with confrontation while I easily accept it and deal with it. Her body is always cold while mine is always warm. I even like that! I didn't realize I would. But it is comforting to me that I can hold her and warm her. While she can touch me and that cool touch feels so nice, soothing my skin. I think we have enough differences that would allow us to complement each other thoughout life.
She is boyishly unemotional
Boy, have I ever though so much on this topic. I'm still not sure how I feel for sure. I have dated girls that were typical girls who showed all their emotions quickly and up front. I knew how they felt and I knew how much they felt that way. I learned that I really didn't like it. It was too much for me. Not sure why. I didn't like a girl that told me she loved me a week after I met her that's for sure. I wanted things to take longer, to mean more. But with Madison it's -way- longer. I mean, it took what seemed like forever to get her to say "I like you". And now much time has passed and that's really all I have ever got. In some ways I still kinda like it. I know if the day comes that she tells me she loves me it will mean so much more. It will take my heart somewhere amazing. But in the meanwhile it's all most painful. I wish she gave just a little more. She will sometimes poke me or give me a sly smile or some other little gesture. I love those so much because I rarely receive them. Every body wants what they don't get, right? If only she would say stuff every now and then as well! Right now I would just love to have her randomly call me. Just to say Hi. Because inside me I would know she was thinking of me. I donno. Just, a little more and she would be so perfect for me.
She's a good girl, I think
I keep meeting these girls and eventually find out all the bad things they do. Smoke, drink -a whole lot-, drugs of one sort or another. Poor moral decisions or something. So far, everything I know about Madison says she's a honestly girl good. I respect her tremendously for that. I hope she has the courage and dedication to stay that way. I can only image the number of options there are at her school to deviate from being such a good girl. I really like this about her. It's so hard to find a good girl. Not only that she's also nice, wonderfully pretty, and exciting to be around. -day dream-
She is the -perfect- size!
I've dated girls taller then me, about my size, and smaller. I want a girl who's head rests on my chest when I hold her. I want a girl that I can wrap around and feel like I could protect her. Hehe.. I want to feel manly! :) I want a girl that I can hold by the hips and move around. Madison is by far the most perfectly sized girl I have ever known. She's not too skinny either! She has such wonderful curves that are often absent on a girl her size. I already just daydream about hugs with her and times we have cuddled together. Fitting into a mold that seems to have been made together.
She is pretty in all the right ways
My friends would sometimes make fun of me due to all the girls I was unattracted to. They would be chasing after some girl with big boobs and a tight ass with enough makeup you could scrap it off. Dressed in a way that made them look cheap. Mostly, those girls always looked fake to me. They were sexy perhaps. But they were not "pretty". Most of them had horrible complections under that makeup and bad personality to match it. Most of them would be better off with a good face wash and some comfortable clothes. Madison however is so pretty. She has an amazingly beautiful smile. Her eyes are fantastic! Though she never believes me when I profess that to her. Her eyes really are different. She doesn't cover herself with makeup. She's just naturally very pretty. She has a facial structure that is adorable. Her body is shaped -very- nicely too! Everything is just the right size, not too small, not too big. I have never found a girl to be as "Pretty" as I find Madison to be. For the record, I think "Pretty" is far better then all the other terms. Beautiful and Sexy seem over used and a tad fake perhaps -shrug-.
She's smart.
Well! Not everyone is! I am sometimes surprised by how smart she is. How attentive she is too. Because it's not overly obvious at first. Not saying she seems dumb at all. Just she's not all geeky smart like some people. But she is very smart and it's nice to know that. It's just really nice.
She is doing something with her life
For a long while I kept meeting girls that seemed to be going -no where- in life. They had no goals or even a desire to start up some goals. Madison is going somewhere. She is doing stuff and the impression I have from her is that she never wants to stop. She wants to keep learning and doing new things her entire life. That's one place where we are similar. I never want to stop learning. I never want to stop meeting new people and seeing new places. I like that about Madison because I know she will always have fun going to see something new with me. That we would have fun together. Unlike many relationships where generally one person is there -just- because the other person wants to be. I want to do stuff with someone that we -both- enjoy. It's so much better that way.
She's really low maintenance!
Which is really nice. Sometimes I wish she was a tad higher maintenance though. But she has never demanded much if anything at all of me. She's happy doing whatever as long as we are doing something. Like she enjoys just about anything. I like that. I like to be able to be comfortable with her knowing that we could probably do whatever comes to mind and both be happy with it. She's okay living her life while I live mine and I know that will be important especially for us. Perhaps not right now that we have so much personal space. But later on, if later on exists. (and I hope it does) She enjoys time of her own and I think she will freely grant me my own time. Because I know I will want to go run rampantly free on my own from time to time.
She is a very good conversationalist
Sometimes you meet a girl that never shuts up. Sometimes you meet one that never talks. Madison seems perfectly stationed in the middle. When it's her turn she can tell me a story, talk about her day, come up with some random conversation starter, anything. When it's my turn to talk she listens. I think she -actually- listens too. Seems like we can go back and forth chatting endlessly. I like how we jump from subject to subject like a couple of squirrels on meth. Sometimes we never even finish or just bearly start one subject before we jump to another. Which is fine! Because I know we'll come back to those subjects again someday. I really enjoy talking with her. Which is really different from a lot of girls I've dated.
I love her birthmark
Okay so that's werid? I donno. I'm insanely attracted to freckles! She has this adorable freckle looking birthmark pattern. So add that to the fact that I really like "interesting"? birthmarks. Madison's is so wonderful. I could spend all day just kissing those cute little freckles.
We have similar food tastes
Maybe this doesn't cause me to love her so much. But appreciate the compatibility we have with regards to food. It's nice to have someone that matches you in the area! We can share our food and both like what is there to be ate. We will always find something we both like at any restaurant we pick out. It's a comforting compatibility I guess.
She is not a sex fantasy to me
Umn. Not sure how to explain this. Almost every girl I ever dated started out with something along the lines of "Wow, she's hot" then I'd walk over and find out if she was interesting. I would see that girl and think of her in a sexual way almost always. Finally I figured it out, it was Lust. That's about it. Lust. Madison was different from the very first time I saw her. Our first date? I never once looked at her and though about ripping her clothes off. I was so side tracked by how much I was enjoying our conversation and her spirit.. And those eyes of her and that wonderful smile. Time went by and it never changed. Every time I closed my eyes and thought of her I thought of her as a person. I thought of her smile, her eyes, our conversations. Never had sex fantasy's about her. She was never some dirty thought to me. She was always something pure to me. I appreciate that in a way I cannot explain. This here is a big cause for me realizing that I loved her. All this feeling, burning, pain, desire my body and heart screams for. It's all just been nonsexual things and if I could feel this strongly for a girl in a nonsexual way it must be something and it's not lust. Now I -am- sexually attracted to her, without a doubt. It's just not in a lustfully or dirty kinda way. Also it's more out of a desire to make her feel good then me just trying to fulfill my own desires.
Everything! :)
Seriously. It seems each time I learn something new about her I find that I really like it. Normally you eventually find piles of things about a person you don't really care for. I expected that to happen with Madison. But it hasn't. The only complaint I could have is how distant and uninvolved/uninterested she can seem at times. But, she tells me she's working on this. Perhaps as we get more comfortable with each other that will change a little. I'm not totally sure. But, that's not a total negative as I've somewhat covered before. But.. Everything else! Is simply wonderful and that's far more then I could have ever imagined.
She has a child-like and totally free spirit.
This is probably one of the biggest things that draws me to her. As it was with Melissa five years ago. There's something very powerful about her spirit. I can feel it just standing near her. Such a free and child-like soul. With all the excitement and wonderlust for the world that is so often lost as we grow older. You can see it in her eyes too, it's that sparkle that people have before they loose their childish energy. Yet, somehow she's kept it. Hopefully she never looses it. It's a wonderful thing to have.
We're so different yet very much the same
They say opposites attract and that might very well be true. But I'm not sure i would want someone who was a total opposite of me. She's not a complete opposite though. There's so many things that we both seem to have in common. Things we enjoy doing. But, at the same time there is so much about her that is almost completely opposite of me. She's an art student and I'm an engineering geek. She's emotionally distant while I am not. She has a hard time with confrontation while I easily accept it and deal with it. Her body is always cold while mine is always warm. I even like that! I didn't realize I would. But it is comforting to me that I can hold her and warm her. While she can touch me and that cool touch feels so nice, soothing my skin. I think we have enough differences that would allow us to complement each other thoughout life.
She is boyishly unemotional
Boy, have I ever though so much on this topic. I'm still not sure how I feel for sure. I have dated girls that were typical girls who showed all their emotions quickly and up front. I knew how they felt and I knew how much they felt that way. I learned that I really didn't like it. It was too much for me. Not sure why. I didn't like a girl that told me she loved me a week after I met her that's for sure. I wanted things to take longer, to mean more. But with Madison it's -way- longer. I mean, it took what seemed like forever to get her to say "I like you". And now much time has passed and that's really all I have ever got. In some ways I still kinda like it. I know if the day comes that she tells me she loves me it will mean so much more. It will take my heart somewhere amazing. But in the meanwhile it's all most painful. I wish she gave just a little more. She will sometimes poke me or give me a sly smile or some other little gesture. I love those so much because I rarely receive them. Every body wants what they don't get, right? If only she would say stuff every now and then as well! Right now I would just love to have her randomly call me. Just to say Hi. Because inside me I would know she was thinking of me. I donno. Just, a little more and she would be so perfect for me.
She's a good girl, I think
I keep meeting these girls and eventually find out all the bad things they do. Smoke, drink -a whole lot-, drugs of one sort or another. Poor moral decisions or something. So far, everything I know about Madison says she's a honestly girl good. I respect her tremendously for that. I hope she has the courage and dedication to stay that way. I can only image the number of options there are at her school to deviate from being such a good girl. I really like this about her. It's so hard to find a good girl. Not only that she's also nice, wonderfully pretty, and exciting to be around. -day dream-
She is the -perfect- size!
I've dated girls taller then me, about my size, and smaller. I want a girl who's head rests on my chest when I hold her. I want a girl that I can wrap around and feel like I could protect her. Hehe.. I want to feel manly! :) I want a girl that I can hold by the hips and move around. Madison is by far the most perfectly sized girl I have ever known. She's not too skinny either! She has such wonderful curves that are often absent on a girl her size. I already just daydream about hugs with her and times we have cuddled together. Fitting into a mold that seems to have been made together.
She is pretty in all the right ways
My friends would sometimes make fun of me due to all the girls I was unattracted to. They would be chasing after some girl with big boobs and a tight ass with enough makeup you could scrap it off. Dressed in a way that made them look cheap. Mostly, those girls always looked fake to me. They were sexy perhaps. But they were not "pretty". Most of them had horrible complections under that makeup and bad personality to match it. Most of them would be better off with a good face wash and some comfortable clothes. Madison however is so pretty. She has an amazingly beautiful smile. Her eyes are fantastic! Though she never believes me when I profess that to her. Her eyes really are different. She doesn't cover herself with makeup. She's just naturally very pretty. She has a facial structure that is adorable. Her body is shaped -very- nicely too! Everything is just the right size, not too small, not too big. I have never found a girl to be as "Pretty" as I find Madison to be. For the record, I think "Pretty" is far better then all the other terms. Beautiful and Sexy seem over used and a tad fake perhaps -shrug-.
She's smart.
Well! Not everyone is! I am sometimes surprised by how smart she is. How attentive she is too. Because it's not overly obvious at first. Not saying she seems dumb at all. Just she's not all geeky smart like some people. But she is very smart and it's nice to know that. It's just really nice.
She is doing something with her life
For a long while I kept meeting girls that seemed to be going -no where- in life. They had no goals or even a desire to start up some goals. Madison is going somewhere. She is doing stuff and the impression I have from her is that she never wants to stop. She wants to keep learning and doing new things her entire life. That's one place where we are similar. I never want to stop learning. I never want to stop meeting new people and seeing new places. I like that about Madison because I know she will always have fun going to see something new with me. That we would have fun together. Unlike many relationships where generally one person is there -just- because the other person wants to be. I want to do stuff with someone that we -both- enjoy. It's so much better that way.
She's really low maintenance!
Which is really nice. Sometimes I wish she was a tad higher maintenance though. But she has never demanded much if anything at all of me. She's happy doing whatever as long as we are doing something. Like she enjoys just about anything. I like that. I like to be able to be comfortable with her knowing that we could probably do whatever comes to mind and both be happy with it. She's okay living her life while I live mine and I know that will be important especially for us. Perhaps not right now that we have so much personal space. But later on, if later on exists. (and I hope it does) She enjoys time of her own and I think she will freely grant me my own time. Because I know I will want to go run rampantly free on my own from time to time.
She is a very good conversationalist
Sometimes you meet a girl that never shuts up. Sometimes you meet one that never talks. Madison seems perfectly stationed in the middle. When it's her turn she can tell me a story, talk about her day, come up with some random conversation starter, anything. When it's my turn to talk she listens. I think she -actually- listens too. Seems like we can go back and forth chatting endlessly. I like how we jump from subject to subject like a couple of squirrels on meth. Sometimes we never even finish or just bearly start one subject before we jump to another. Which is fine! Because I know we'll come back to those subjects again someday. I really enjoy talking with her. Which is really different from a lot of girls I've dated.
I love her birthmark
Okay so that's werid? I donno. I'm insanely attracted to freckles! She has this adorable freckle looking birthmark pattern. So add that to the fact that I really like "interesting"? birthmarks. Madison's is so wonderful. I could spend all day just kissing those cute little freckles.
We have similar food tastes
Maybe this doesn't cause me to love her so much. But appreciate the compatibility we have with regards to food. It's nice to have someone that matches you in the area! We can share our food and both like what is there to be ate. We will always find something we both like at any restaurant we pick out. It's a comforting compatibility I guess.
She is not a sex fantasy to me
Umn. Not sure how to explain this. Almost every girl I ever dated started out with something along the lines of "Wow, she's hot" then I'd walk over and find out if she was interesting. I would see that girl and think of her in a sexual way almost always. Finally I figured it out, it was Lust. That's about it. Lust. Madison was different from the very first time I saw her. Our first date? I never once looked at her and though about ripping her clothes off. I was so side tracked by how much I was enjoying our conversation and her spirit.. And those eyes of her and that wonderful smile. Time went by and it never changed. Every time I closed my eyes and thought of her I thought of her as a person. I thought of her smile, her eyes, our conversations. Never had sex fantasy's about her. She was never some dirty thought to me. She was always something pure to me. I appreciate that in a way I cannot explain. This here is a big cause for me realizing that I loved her. All this feeling, burning, pain, desire my body and heart screams for. It's all just been nonsexual things and if I could feel this strongly for a girl in a nonsexual way it must be something and it's not lust. Now I -am- sexually attracted to her, without a doubt. It's just not in a lustfully or dirty kinda way. Also it's more out of a desire to make her feel good then me just trying to fulfill my own desires.
Everything! :)
Seriously. It seems each time I learn something new about her I find that I really like it. Normally you eventually find piles of things about a person you don't really care for. I expected that to happen with Madison. But it hasn't. The only complaint I could have is how distant and uninvolved/uninterested she can seem at times. But, she tells me she's working on this. Perhaps as we get more comfortable with each other that will change a little. I'm not totally sure. But, that's not a total negative as I've somewhat covered before. But.. Everything else! Is simply wonderful and that's far more then I could have ever imagined.
A union of three days over a lake of blueberry tea.
11 Feb 2007
Saturday I spent my entire day at Borders. While I was there I had to make carrot cake out of bricks but first I had to convert them into imaginary bits of aged wood then I had to write the recipe for it but as a function of oranges with a union to a park bench all over a misty lake of blueberry tea. I had a bread bowl of chicken noodle soup for an early lunch then a few hours later I tried some raspberry cheese cake, which was really good. For dinner I had an herb roasted chicken sandwich that was even better then the cake. I read four magazines about motorcycles, photography, style, and pop art. I meet my intermediate algebra teacher and his wife rather briefly too! I think I drank 5 or 6 mugs of coffee. Border's coffee is really dark and full bodied! So flavorful but it always makes my heart feel funny. Like maybe I shouldn't be drinking it. I completed about 2 months of homework today which is all due Monday. Tomorrow I will study the review questions for my first College Algebra exam that is also on Monday. I was also sitting by a window and watched the sunset out across the parking lot. I people watched a little too. Oh! And an old army buddy from my old unit called saying the unit is going to Iraq! He wants to go do something "sometime".
So! Sunday. My day started a bit earlier. I got breakfast at Queenies at Utica Square. They were all full inside so I ate outside to their total amazement. I was in a t-shirt and jeans, it was about 30 degrees out but I wasn't cold. The waiter was annoying with his poor jokes but the food was good. I spent a while out there feeding a bunch of birds my toast. Then I ended up at Borders again. Got a pot of blueberry tea and started back at my school work. I finished up a few last homework questions and went over all the review questions for the exam. I think I'll do fine. Later I went to Mod50, a 50's modern art store. I didn't find anything I liked and I had to sneak out cause the lady there wouldn't stop chatting with me. Finally made my way back home after a stop at Magoo's. I cooked up some black rice, stir fry vegetables, scrambled eggs, and peppered chicken for dinner. Tastes good.
Helmet on order, bike almost here, loan approved @ 6.4%
09 Feb 2007
http://www.shoeihelmet.co.jp/hellineup/full/h_x11kiyo/stage01.html
I'm not a daddy (phew).
09 Feb 2007
Okay, so last night. I get this random message from some girl. She knew me from some where but I didn't have any idea who she was. Shortly into the conversation she tells me she wants me to see one of her family members. She tells me is her son. I ask if maybe I should know this kid for any specific reason?.. She tells me that hopefully some day I will know him. The back of my mind goes racing trying to recall a "Sherry" I might have known in my past? At a drunk party or something.. Well I finally figured her out! She's my cousin that I havn't spoke with for about 12 years. She sent me various photos of her and her family. I remember her as just a little girl and now she's suddenly all grown up with kids. Crazy. It was nice to hear from her, it's like a long lost piece of your past just showing up in the mail one day. The first part of the conversation was so great. I am going to add that on this message here when I get home..
Old men rant, young men cry. I found beauty in a voice. What the hell is art anyhow?
06 Feb 2007
Today was fun! But everyday is fun, come to think of it. Over the last few days I have been toying with the idea of art in my head. Not really sure why. The answer is obvious but I keep drifting my thoughts back to it. -shrug- For me to call something Art it must move me somehow. Not physically! But emotionally. I'm not sure if that's how everyone is. I know art is perspective and individually judged by each. I've seen a lot of stuff that is "art" that I would never myself call art. Like recently I was pointed at Wolfgang Laib. Well, I suppose his work is interesting to some degree. I actually found a small level of appreciation for it until read some of his writings about it. He's somehow becoming famous? for this pollen and milk that he has devoted his life to. But, I just don't see it. It doesn't move me in anyway. Oh well. Today I was cleaning up my music library (actually I have been doing this for a day or two). I came across an edition of Elton John's song sacrifice by Sinead O'Connor. I've listened to this song at least 10 times now. Her voice is simply beautiful. I am not sure what the meaning of the song is but it is far more beautiful then ol' Pollen Man Laib, to me. I went to pickup someone from down the street and got stuck listening to a rant session of a coworker. I hope when I get older I am one of those wise and sweet old men. There are entirely too many grumpy old ranty cankersore men out there! So I bring the guy I picked up back over here. He quickly started crying over some table that wasn't there no more and where on earth would he put his things! Hmn. Sinead O'Connor though, so much emotion in her voice. Emotion drives me entirely I think. It's like a fuel and I seem to feed on it from any source. In the people I meet, the things I see, and all that I hear. Cankersore old men taste bad, crying young men lack flavor, while vivid colors and beautiful voices could feed me for my entire life.
life is good.
02 Feb 2007
I feel like I should write something! But I have so little to say right now. This past week has been mostly calm. I got put in a office all by myself and was able to turn up some music and just work in peace. I have had some fun this week. I have been wanted to do this postcard project for awhile and I finished it this week. It was a pretty good success according to the review of a couple of my friends. They think I should make more and try to sell them! It snowed here some and I went out and played in it for a bit. Wasn't really enough snow for what I wanted to do, but I'll work with what I get. Oh! I found some good use of my paint brushes and ink! And it had nothing to do with Chinese calligraphy (which I am no good at). I haven't talk with Madison since Sunday but it was a nice long conversation and she was very talkative with so many fun stories. It was so nice to hear her voice - so excited and happy. I just laid down on my bed and closed my eyes listening. I think she's still stressed over the mess from a couple weeks ago, but hopefully that will fade away. I've slacked off on sorting out my Photos! But maybe this weekend I'll get more done. I'm about half way though 2005. So we're getting close(er). I feel nice right now. Not overly happy or sad just calm and almost content. Though there is still that steady feeling in my chest that I don't think is ever going away. It's become a friend of sorts maybe? Just part of me for now. but I don't mind it. Life is so great.
Hot water everywhere! At home and in my life.
26 Jan 2007
So! My water heater has been pretty flakey laity and I toyed around with it and determined it was the thermostat. I got this guy to come by and replace it! So once again have nice consistently hot water. I am also deep in hot water in other areas of life too, so it seems! I suppose like most people when you are excited about something you want to share that with those you might consider friends. Apparently laity I have taken that liberty a bit too much. Because recently a coworker of mine decided to share my excitement about things my, erm, friend? is doing with her mother. I was, initially, so angry with him. I think he felt he was doing the right thing and that I can respect to some degree. Though he did go way out of bounds and even wrote a letter to me the next day that I really did not appreciate at all. Gah! Makes me feel bad because I know I must have lost some of her trust in me, which is actually something extremely important to me. I want her to be able to trust me. I suppose it is just a lesson in life. Sometimes I am a bit too trusting of others initially as I apparently was of my coworker. In a weird way it was not all that bad because it prompted an odd but I think healthy conversation with her Mom and I. Well, it is all said and done now! Literality! Today I was enlisted to photograph a wedding in April. This will be my third wedding and I suspect just as in the last two -I- will be more nervous then the bride and groom. I am excited and a bit proud that I was asked to do this though! And that puts me in a pretty good mood and with that I will just hope Madison is not too upset with me.
I am not that promiscuous, Mom. Besides I'm just a boy.
24 Jan 2007
I just started typing and this confusing mess is what I ended up with.
24 Jan 2007
I have never in my life been in this sort of shape before. Well there was one time that I felt similar but not quite the same. This is different from then, this is so much stronger. Part of me is purely amazed by it all and slightly mystified. I am curious to understand how and why and all the other variables, as if I could create some algebra formula for it. Part of me wishes this feeling? Or whatever it is would -go away- because it is truly affecting my ability to function at times. Though I am -doing more- lately which is great but mostly just so I can try and focus my mind on something and alleviate the thundering storm of thought in my head. I think by writing these thoughts down it seems to helps me understand them, sort them out visually, and it seems to calm my mind some. For about five years I have frequently been described as an "unemotional cold hearted bastard" by myself and many others. I would typically discount a girl mere moments after meeting her. Some would make it perhaps a week. I know exactly how and why I came to be that way. About five years ago I found what it is I want. So since then I have been very effective at not wasting my time once it became obvious that someone didn't fit the mold I was looking for. Even if I did find someone that I thought I could like I would intentionally find flaws in them because I didn't want to actually -like- anyone ever again. So how the hell is it that Madison just walked right though that wall as if it wasn't even there at all? I tried all my typical tactics to reinforce my wall and none of them worked. I've looked at her searching for a flaw and no matter how hard I look I can't see any. Though in reality I realize no one -is- perfect and there are things about her some could call flaws. But for reasons I can't figure out none of those things seem like flaws when I look at her. I can't capitalize on them or blow them out of proportion in my mind like I've done so many times before. It's different, it's like.. That's who she is and no mater how I look at it; it does not change my thoughts of her. I've never experienced that before. It's like she's? perfect -to me-. To make it worse I think I am now in a position where I like her more then she does me. It's hard for me to know this for sure because of how emotionally distant she is. Oh what I would give to know, to hear? I know this is a rather bad position to be emotionally and I am not sure how I want to react to it. The one thing that I am clear about, though I am not clear why, is that unlike the last several years; I enjoy feeling this way about her, I want to feel this way about her. I just do not want to feel this way about her if it is or is going to become a one-way thing.
I was so proud of them.
20 Jan 2007
So Friday night we had a belt tests for Tae Kwon Do. All belt levels were being tested this time. When I got there Grandmaster Moon had me help 3 kids that were having trouble with From 2 (which they were about to be tested on!). They mostly knew the steps but were really out of sync with each other. Their actual stance form was pretty bad too. I think I worked with them for, gah. Almost an hour? I always enjoy helping the kids sometimes I think I relate with them - mostly cause I'm about at their level :). The test was broken into three categories. First the low belts tested, then the middle-belts, then high belts. So my 3 kids were up first! And, when it came time for them to do their form they did it almost flawlessly. I was -so proud- of them. It took away almost all the frustration I'd had from earlier that day and replaced it with pride. Anyhow, it's the first time I'd ever really experienced that kinda feeling and I think I like it. Maybe Pisces do make good teachers.
This is not the curve I had in mind.
19 Jan 2007
Today has been such a horribly unhappy day and it's only a bit past noon! And I think it's going to continue as such for the next couple days. It all seemed to start yesterday when Eric kind of goofed up some printer stuff. This put Steve in a pretty bad mood along with half the office. Of course it was my job to fix the mess. Then first thing this morning my computer messed up on me. Not even allowing me to login to the domain. Toshiba laptops totally suck, or this one does. Always messing up somehow, which totally frustrates me. How complicated can it be to build a stable laptop? Later on I found out that I apparently forgot to follow up with a user on a voice mail problem. Not by the user either, by Steve being called by some VP down the road. Gah, I'm so crappy about keeping track of the million things going on. So that got me a good long ass-chewing. Yesterday Grandmaster Moon once again reminded me of his expectations of me and that he wants to give me private lessons to accelerate my belt advancement. I'm not sure what he sees in me but sometimes I wonder if it's ill-placed hope. Not sure why but it kind of stresses me out. It's gone from just some exercise I do, to being something more - Another place in life where other people are expecting me to perform on some pedestal. All this makes me wish I could see Madison even more, which frustrates me even more, because obviously I can't. A day ago I finally got that feeling out of my chest and seemed like things would calm down. But now it's back just as strong as the day she left. She's some sort of drug I think and the blissful happy smile and calmness she brings is something I very much want right now. Tonight I take my blue belt test which I'm suddenly nervous about - mostly cause last night at school it seemed like I was doing -everything- wrong. Then Madison came online and immediately sends me a message about how she's having a bad day. Instead of being a good listener, instead of being there -for her- what do I do? Make it worse, by complaining about my life and just adding to her stress. What a shitty boy-whatever I am. I just got out of this meeting where they wanted to discuss some search program they want me to make. My head was so scattered I barely could even hear their voices. All I know is they are expecting it done by Weds. -sigh-
Forced freedom from Warcraft? Not quite, but close.
18 Jan 2007
So a couple months back I pre-ordered the Collector?s Edition of the World of Warcraft expansion. It finally released a few days ago and I decided I?ll go and pick it up. I hadn?t even played in the last 3 weeks but was slightly curious to check out the new expansion. I show?d up at the store and they jacked up my order and didn?t have a copy of the Collectors Edition! Maybe it?s a sign of some sort. I was a bit frustrated but sort of relived at the same time. Instead of picking up the standard edition I just got a refund and went to Barns n Noble to visit friends. Ended up picking up a CD and a Movie which I think is probably much better use of my Warcraft money. I think this is the start of a nice long break from that silly game. I took about an 8 mo break once; maybe I?ll try for that again.
Less Junk, More Now. Life on a curve?
15 Jan 2007
Alright! Changes have come once again. "Downloads" is gone as well as "Resources". They were not really being used as much as originally intended. "Photos" is now more appropriately named "Photography" because of the changes being made there. All links are red, for now. White was hard to see. I've added the tab "Contact Me" which is full of ways -you- can contact me. Whoever you might be. I have got about half my 70 gigs of photography sorted out with keywords and ratings. Maybe another week and I will get the rest done. After that I am going to pick out say, 100 of the best ones and put them on the website. All the current categorized photos are going bye-bye. I'm not an event photographer anymore and never want that title again. It's not photography anyhow, more like snap-shots with an expensive camera. I've found some new inspiration in my life and hope to ride that onto a curve of new life.
My girlface is gone and she took part of me with her.
14 Jan 2007
Well she's gone now. I am much more depressed then I had expected I would be. I've tried various things to do but my total lack of motivation is obvious. I went outside for a bit and played on the ice, even tried to take pictures. Kinda hard to photograph yourself! I stayed out there until my body was cold way deep inside. I wish I could fall asleep and hide in a dream world where I could watch her smile and skip-dance down an unpaved path. I can fantasize that when I woke up there would be a message on my phone from her. Something to calm my nerves and warm my heart. 'Cept I can't sleep and I have no idea when I'll hear from her again. We did talk before she left, for several hours. We both like each other, apparently a lot. But reality still exists and she -does- have school. I plan to go visit her but I'm not sure when. I want to go right now.
Center of the Universe
11 Jan 2007
IE6 - IE7 - Firefox! It all works. Mac? Untested.
10 Jan 2007
Took some time out today and got the website code updated for Internet Explorer 7. Microsoft fixed a few things and I am very thankful of that too. Some of the website features previously unavailable to IE users can now be clearly seen. People still using IE6 (which I suspect is a lot of people) are still left missing out! Firefox folks still got it all, as they always have. Anyhow, if you are using IE6 - Download IE7 today, it's so much better.
Painfully! I have no way to test Safarri right now because my MacMini isn't very operational. Hopefully I can get that tested soon. Hopefully like most Mac products, it just works.
Painfully! I have no way to test Safarri right now because my MacMini isn't very operational. Hopefully I can get that tested soon. Hopefully like most Mac products, it just works.
I close my eyes and see her face, soft and gentle, full of grace.
08 Jan 2007
Well a week has gone by and much has changed while at the same time it is very much the same. The rampant whirlwind of thought has yet to cease. With each thought comes a mental picture of her soft features and amazingly content and seemingly loving smile. My mind calms while my heart races. She is like my revving race bike ducking though a horseshoe corner. Frightening yet exhilarating, bringing focus though some sort of tunnel vision. The world around me blurs into a distant vision leaving only her and I. Constantly I fight with myself over her now. Part of me wants to cry out and tell her exactly how I feel. But, sensibility? Or? Total foolishness - keeps my mouth shut. I am still not entirely sure where I stand with her. She quite obviously likes me, but how much? Just four days left and she returns to school. I plan to ask her before then; what she wants of me. Meanwhile I will hold tight to the fantasy of it all.
Is it possible that maybe she exists?
01 Jan 2007
I met a girl recently that I actually like. This is the first time in several years now. I had thought perhaps my standards had become entirely too high or the type of girl I wanted simply did not exist. Maybe I was wrong. I met her a few months back briefly and enjoyed a dinner with her. Then she went off to school two thousand miles away. That one dinner, those four hours. I knew she was different than every other girl I had entertained before. But I was in no position to tell her that or brave enough for that matter. While she was gone for school my mind would frequently drift away to the short memories I had of her. But I could easily set those thoughts aside and return to life. Well she has come back home from school for a couple weeks. I have gotten the chance to visit her a few times and now everything is worse. She is my first thought when I wake and my last thought before I sleep. She has consumed my mind so much I have a hard time even sleeping because I cannot calm the whirlwind of thoughts. Everything about her I find amazing, each subtle little piece. Though in all truth I barely know anything of her. I do know that she is returning to school and I must find a way to control my emotions and thoughts of her. I want to tell her all of these things but I am afraid to. I do not want to scare her off, for one, and I also have to keep in perspective the fact that for the next four years I will only have a few short opportunities to visit her. As premature as it could be, I do believe that she is worth waiting for; but am I? I am not real sure how she feels about me and that in itself is driving me crazy. I want to ask her but I am afraid of doing that too. We have kissed and one might think that would be a solid answer for most but since then other events have muddied the water into a blur of confusion for me. For now I am just going to try to calm my mind and enjoy whatever time I am allowed with her over the next two weeks. Hopefully things will become clearer or an appropriate moment will arise where I can ask the questions I so desperately desire answers to.
A new pad!
02 Oct 2006
So.. I got a condo this last week. It's not big and it's not fancy, but it's mine! Well.. It's the banks. Anyhow. I've got most my stuff moved over and I'm waiting on the internet folks to hook up my cable. I had it sprayed for bugs just in case and a cleaning lady come and make it all shinny. Hopefully next week I'll be living there. I've started playing Warcraft again and it's sucking away my life. But it allowed me to save up money for all my closing costs and pay off all my other bills. I think I'll keep playing it for awhile longer. Just to pass time in the evenings without blowing all my money at the local pool halls. Once I get the new place cleaned up I'll put some pictures up! How it looks at the start. I plan to do a bunch of work on it.. In a year I can compare the new with what once was.
Boozes, Cops, Girls, and houses!
22 May 2006
So.. This last weekend has been full of interesting events. Friday night I helped the Jaycees group assemble 46 bikes to hand out to school kids then went to Mayfest. Saturday morning @ 6am I went to the park to help my friend do senior photos of his brother, who never woke up. But we had fun anyhow and I locked my keys in my car! Later we went downtown and took photos of some buildings and checked out the "art" of mayfest. Later that day I met this girl from myspace. She was, interesting. Saturday night I went to Magoo's twice. The second time my friend asked me to go and as we left I got pulled over for not using my blinker! They gave me a sobriety test. Which I passed. But it was the first sobriety test I ever took so it was kind of neat. The cop however while showing me how to do the heel-toe walk was unable herself to actually walk heel-toe. So I laughed at her :). Sunday I meet my new Realtor, who I found on myspace! She was pretty nice. A lot better then my last two realtors, so far. But, so far, the best house I have found is for sell by owner. So maybe I don't even need a realtor. I'm going to keep looking around a bit though.
Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year!
30 Dec 2005
Colorado is awesome and so is snowboarding! I went to Colorado Springs to visit my mom this Christmas. While I was there I drove up to Breckenridge Ski Resort and learned how to snowboard. The first couple times down the mountian were pretty rough. After that I got the hang of it and actually made my way down without falling! For Christmas I got a bunch of pampered chef stuff. Both my mom and sister sell pampered chef and they have gave me so much of it I don't have room in my kitchen for all of it. Anyhow, Merry Christmas!
New World Order? Nah, just some minor changes.
21 Nov 2005
Well, I have sat down today with the mission to get a bit of work done on the site. I changed the menu option for my journal back to "Journal" instead of "Blog" which was rather misleading. I have drawn up all the page designs (on paper) for the Photo section and hopefully will have css templates for it before I am done today. I think I have actually found a use for the left-side container! Well, anyhow. Back to designing.
Space for rent.
21 Nov 2005
So my friend at the office has been using this http://www.myspace.com thing for awhile. A couple days ago I decided to make me an account there. Feel free to look at it ( http://www.myspace.com/sqls ). I have not got around to making it look nice and doubt I ever will. In like three days I have got four emails and 10 friend offers! Maybe I will actually meet a couple interesting people... More likely I will meet a bunch of weird internet-trolls and have to find a way to chase them all off.
New Orleans was.. sad.
01 Nov 2005
I got back in one piece. We did not do a whole lot in New Orleans. It did smell very very bad and the city was very destroyed in some areas. A lot people lost their life, others just everything about their life. I hope somewhere there is a reason for these types of things to have happened. Your eyes open real wide as you stare down a street of destroyed homes with the knowledge that you are about to check each one for a body.
Another trip away, this time on our grounds.
04 Sep 2005
Well.. I have am being deployed to Louisiana to help provide security and whatever else over there. I am not sure how long I will be gone but hopefully it will be an interesting trip. I am taking my camera and my new Epson P2000. With any luck I will come home with a whole sort of new pictures.
Old friends.. New amp, car broke.. Tinted eye lid's.
11 Jul 2005
So this weekend I hung out with a couple old friends Kayce and Ian. Went and did some 4-wheeling and watched Meet the Fackers. I also got my JL Audio 300/4 amp installed. Later that night I find out my dash lights, tail lights, and ding-dong thingy (like when you leave the lights on) do not work anymore. Plus! The bloody amp has scratches on it. So I've called them already and hopefully they will fix it all up for me. Suppose to be a good shop. Maybe the guy was drunk. Anyhow it was a lot of fun. Ian and I beat Halo 2 - and the ending sucks. I also got some new sunglasses. Oh, so nice, Oakley Why 8.1 Polarized...
Think it'll work?
05 Jul 2005
Well I just finished getting the journal form to update/add messages moved over to this site. So this is mostly just a test message. I got some of the weirdness with the leftContainer fixed. Now it's just blank untill I get around to putting whatever there. But at least I get a feel for how things line up on the right side here. This pretty much finishes the Journal side. I'm changing the menu to say Journal insted of Blog too. Once I get that done I will start working on the photo section.
Tisali Venti'Qual
01 Jul 2005
Alright, so I play World of Warcraft and all. It's apparently a popular thing to write up a in-character role-play description of ones characters. So I am working on the write up of my Night Elf Rogue.. Once done with that I'll do one for my Gnome Warlock. Anyhow. Here's a link to the article. It's not done at all but you can read what I got.. And if you read it enough, you'll see my progress and changes. http://sqls.net/?s=article&id=1
Grill for less.
30 Jun 2005
Life is good.
30 Jun 2005
The new apartment has been working out pretty good for me. I finally got a bed too, along with a couple desks for doing home work and putting my computer on. I plan to get something for the livin room next.. A couch and a coffee table or something. I still don't have a TV but, I guess I might as well have someplace to sit when people are over. (though, that doesn't happen much) I got a bike the other day. It's a 20 something speed half-bread bike. It's like a upgraded old school BMX with bigger wheels. But it's working out good for my style. A bit of jumping off stuff, mostly street riding with a few trail side paths here and there. I rode it for about 8 hours the first day. After that my ass sure hurt.. So I got a new seat for it already. I think I got the subpage design down, on the new site. So now I should be putting more effort into finishing the sections up. And, yes. This is one big run-on paragraph. I got most all the money off the insurance deal.. So that's what's funding all my new toys. Guess I'll run out soon. I paid off all my credit cards though. What a joyful moment that was.
Hello new apartment - Hello Summer fun...
31 May 2005
Okay so I got a new place to live - and like it so far. I have reached the max level for my warcraft char and have faded back on my playtime. Last couple weeks I did my Army AT. It wasn't a bad AT and we did a couple live fires which are always fun. Still working on getting my insurance claim thing. It's a bitch, btw. I have not got much work down on the new website either. I am kinda at a dead-point trying to figure out how I want the sub-pages to look. Now that summer is back I should get back into photography and some car events. I used to run a car club (Tulsa Preludes) a few years back and some old friends want me to get it going again. You can check out the progress of that site http://www.tulsapreludes.com. I have no idea how I get time to fiddle with all these different things at the same time. I guess thats why I never really get any of them done :)
Goodbye - stuff, home, website. Hello whole new everything. (Keeping the Cat)
29 Apr 2005
Right on schedule with my journal postings. So last weekend my apartment got broken into and about 9800.00 or so of stuff was taken. Hopefully renters insurance is all it's cracked up to be and some. I am still playing World of Warcraft heavily and have now almost reached the max level for my main character. I am moving into a different apartment complex sometime during May. I just can't feel safe or comfortable in that place anymore. Besides the place is a bit ghetto. The new pad costs almost twice as much but is about four times as nice. Hopefully with my insurance pay off I can deck it out with some nice stuff at the cost of my CD collection. I still got that cat Tiki. He has turned out to be a pretty good pet. The website is heading up for a redesign. Check out the progress at http://sqls.net. I don't do much photography anymore so I have toned back that section a bit on the new design. Maybe once I get over WoW and what not I will get back into that.
Hussy left, bolt-on for car, life stolen.
20 Dec 2004
So much change.... Well over the last while I have kicked out the hussy cat, order a new bumper and a type-s strut support beam for my car, and purchased World of Warcraft. That was the big step there too. For years I have been interested in D&D type stuff. I played MUD's for about 7 years as well. So I made the jump to a MMORPG. So it has now nearly consumed me. I play it all the time. I suppose it will keep be from wasting money at the bar - since I don't go anymore.
Kitten Swap + A drive to the mountians.
03 Dec 2004
Slash is gone - Calie is in and Thanksgiving was a long drive. My sister had two cats and one of them is a short hair 6 mo old calico cat. Real pretty little girl. Anyhow it's kinda mean and my sister wanted a super-loving cat. So... My cat Slash being a "super-loving" cat fit the bill and since I wanted a mean cat - we made the swap. Calie seems to hate Tiki and after four days the hussy thing just now will let me pick her up. For Thanksgiving I went up to Colorado to see my folks. My sisters and their kids came along and for 11 hours I had the enjoyment of spending time with them in a mini-van. Then did it all over again comming back home.. Phew.. I got a bunch of photos while there that I am going to do some compositis with. Well see how that goes.
Tiki & Slash
24 Nov 2004
Well I never was much of a cat fan - but recently I have had three different kittins in the last two weeks. Two of them are apparently here to stay. It all started a couple weeks ago when I woke up to the sound of meeeoooww... meeeoowww. Well I get up and head for the door thinking I am about to scare this darn thing away. Out of a bush near my apartment door this little black kitten pokes her head out. That was the end of my big bully bluff and I quickly got the kitty inside and fed her. Everyday I would let her outside before I went to work and everyday she would be in that bush waiting for me to come home. On about the fourth day I was outside with her and the guy who lives directly above me came out and saw her. He quickly started calling her name (Juju) and I found out who that cat belonged too :). So I kind of got to liking my furry friend and a friend at work had a few cats needing a home. So I took one - it looks a lot like a Nebelung. Well on the third day I started letting him (Slash) outside and the the second time out the fisty little thing never came back... Or so I thought. So I went looking around and found a kittin up in a tree meeeowing for help. So I figured well that cat's gone but here's another. Took it inside and fed it and kept it there :). Recently I came up with the name Tiki for him. Well about three more days ago by and I spot Slash outside and it tooks some tricky effort but I got ahold of the little fellow. Now I have Slash and Tiki which are fast becomming good play friends.
Dawn to Dusk.
15 Nov 2004
Just added a another selection of photographs called Dawn to Dusk. As you might guess it's mostly pictures of the rise and fall of the sun along with a couple of the moon. I am not sure these qualify as remarkable sunsets but they were one of the simple pleasures to have while there.
Doha, Qatar.
14 Nov 2004
Got a new set online in the Army category. While in Afghanistan I took three days of R&R and the army sent me to Doha, Qatar. It was actually a whole lot of fun. They have a five story mall there that includes 5 starbucks, a entertainment park, an ice ring, and the fifth level is exclusively for women. We went out in these Toyota 4runners and played in the sand one day and that might have been the most fun I'd had in awhile. I got to bring back all these pictures and a neat Doha, Qatar coffee mug.
Afghanistan People
12 Nov 2004
Well I finally got off my lazy butt and put together a small collection of photographs from Afghanistan. You can view them in the Army->Afghanistan People album if you wish. I have maybe 5 more sets worth of pictures I will try to have uploaded over the next week.
Squirrel-like Message.
08 Oct 2004
Well this is more-or-less a test message. I just got the website back up and running after rebuilding my webserver and changing domain names. I have re-named the website Squirrel-like Self for reasons that will become more obvious later. The server was needing updated with the laitest stuff and a different hard drive. So now it's sporting Slackware 10 on 250G's of storage. Hopefully that keeps me happy for awhile.
American Ground.
22 Sep 2004
Well I am home now and it sure is nice. Afghanistan was a fun trip and I learned a lot from the whole thing. There near the end I got sent to places without much Internet access and just could not upload any pictures or anything else. I am back to work now mostly because not doing anything all day long was driving me nuts. I am also back to work on this site - cleaning it up and adding the features I had invisioned six months ago. Hopefully over the next few days there will be new sections and more photos. I plan on putting up my top 100 or so pictures from Afghanistan for everyone to look at.
Some nice fotos.
02 Aug 2004
I have been spending some time with a canadian journalist here on the compound. He does photography on the side to help with his stories. His website http://www.thornefoto.com has some wonderful photographs and you should go check them out. The site as a whole sports some good style - thanks to his sun back at home who designed it. I am already tired of the design I have going here and am thinking up a new one. Gee, I keep changing the look every other month. Maybe at some point I will find something I really enjoy.
I moved.
12 Jul 2004
Well I got moved. So now I am stationed at a different camp and this one has very limited internet access. So it might be awhile before I get a chance to upload or update anything. Anyhow at least I got some time to post a update. On the up side the food here is better but the housing is not so nice.
A long time gone.
28 Jun 2004
Well it has been forever since I left a comment here. I have been pretty busy laitly. A couple of weeks ago I went on R&R to Doha, Qutar. Quite a pleasent place and I have a good many photos from that trip. Once I get some time I will upload them here. Looks like my trip to the middle-east is comming to it's end and soon I will be home. I am really not sure rather I look forward to that event or not - part of me actually enjoys this place. Either way, it is almost over. I suspect I will be able to finsih this website once back at home and also provide some more interesting photographs. I am going to try and get a job as a photographers assistant or something to see if I can find a nitch for myself somewhere.
No B&H doesn't have me on the dole.
05 Jun 2004
Apparently I have been doing some free advertising for B&H and decided they have had quite enough. So I want to let you know that http://www.kmcamera.com is also a wonderful little shop in NYC. They have some very helpful staff that are both kind and humorus. I figured out how to clean my zoom lens the other day. I pulled out some small screw drivers and took the whole thing apart. Now it is back together and seems to work fine. Seems obvious that once one thing is fixed something else will fail - or display itself. I took some pictures of the moon the other day and noticed a small blue dot in the middle of the blackness! This blue dot is on every picture I have taken since I bought this camera. I just never noticed it before. I have no clue what causes this but I am sure Canon will see this camera in their shop when I get home. Oh well maybe they can do a nice cleaning job while they have it.
Yep. I'm not dead.
28 May 2004
Well just a update - I am still alive. Now that we have moved on from that subject I have recently figured out that it is dusty in Afghanistan. I got this neat camera and lenses and what not and I spend half my time trying to keep the blasted thing clean. Theres dust and dirt and all sorts of stuff already deep down inside my zoom lens - I have no clue how to clean it! My cmos sensor already has dust on it, my mirror if flithy and that focus screen thingy is also got weird specks when you look through the view finder. I have tried the "blow it out" thing the manual speaks of. I have no idea where they came up with that idea. But I am very sure they never used it - because it's worthless. I can not figure out where theses "Specks" have come from that now plague my view finder but they are very anoyning, at best. B&H lists some cleaner solution for sensors but odd - it can not be shipped anywhere, let alone Afghanistan. So I guess I just let the dirt pile up and when I get home I can hope it's not destroyed and can be cleaned up. I have taken a pile of pictures but have not had the time to sit down and pick out the good ones. Oh well- When I do I will post them here.
First shots with my new camera.
19 May 2004
I got a chance to get out and take a few pictures with my new camera. I have added a 10D First Shots album with a few of the shots. Some of them were taken while driving so they are a tad blury. I am very impressed however with the camera and the detail it takes - granted this is in comparison to my old Canon G2. Enjoy.
Body without Glass.
13 May 2004
Yippie!! Well almost yippie.. more like just a 'Yipp'.. I got a huge box today from B&H and quickly ripped it open. Inside I found a Canon 10D box, a LCD protector, and a lens cleaning kit. However, missing were the 50mm 1.4 lens and a Digital Photography book. So for the last 20 or so hours I have been playing with all the menu options and other aspects of my new camera. I sure wish I could take a picture; though this has given be the time to read the manual and charge the battery. Hopefully my lens will arive soon.
A couple of changes.
12 May 2004
Well I\'ve made a few changes.. Actually I made quite a few changes, over the last week, since I uploaded the laitest files to my webserver. I wrote a custom class to deal with forum based message inputs. It strips all html/script code on all input and removes exessive blank lines as well. When displaying a message it makes http://thisisalink.net links clickable, it will allow some [CMD][/CMD] type replacements for HTML code such as italics, bold and converts system linefeed charactors into html linefeeds. I also added a [CMD] function to place tabs in front of a paragraph - to use this surround the word TAB with brackets.
Second I have finshed the user classes allowing user/group level restrictions to be placed on different areas of this website. I will start working on member sections soon. I plan to make available webspace for images and programming work to members among other features.
I have made quite a few changes in the overall look. I pretty much have all the colors how I want them and made a few changes in fonts here and there. Please let me know if any of the colors are hard to read.
Second I have finshed the user classes allowing user/group level restrictions to be placed on different areas of this website. I will start working on member sections soon. I plan to make available webspace for images and programming work to members among other features.
I have made quite a few changes in the overall look. I pretty much have all the colors how I want them and made a few changes in fonts here and there. Please let me know if any of the colors are hard to read.
Daddy what's a Budgie Smugler?
03 May 2004
Yep - That's part of the sells pitch on their website. I stumbled accross a bag manufacturer http://www.crumplerusa.com. Well I wasnt sure what to expect but I checked a few reviews that rated these bags top-notch. So I got one and it came in yesterday. Wow - This thing is built to last forever. It's got tons of padding to protect my camera (whenever it gets here). I should be able to fit the body and two lens and maybe a flash. The overall design of the bag is really trendy yet does not scream steal me. I have not used the bag yet so I will post an update once the camera gets here.
Another hat to wear - and it fits nicely.
25 Apr 2004
Today a lot of important people showed up. The Colonel had previous noted my interest in photography - apparently more then I'd noticed it. He came and found me today and asked if I wanted to be his photographer for the event. Even though I still sport only a Canon G2 I happily agreeed. It had just rained outside and the sky was still very cloudy. I wanted to make use of my tripod but there was just too much walking around and quick-shots for it to be practical. I first started shooting as the group left their meeting. Then followed to a huge display that was setup with repersenitives from country operating in this region. After awhile and shooting I looked around and noticed all the "pro-ish" looking photographers with their long lenes and professional camera bodies. I felt a bit out of place - but that didn't slow me down any. It was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed the event. After it was all over I processed the images and my colonel came back for a quick view. He has now decided that I will be the "camp photographer". I am not exactly sure what that will detail but I'm exicted non-the-less. I just wish I had my 10D already for todays events.
Head for legs.
24 Apr 2004
I was so happy today when the mail truck arived on post. My buddys knew I was awaiting the ball head to complete my tripod so they hid it from me. Let me think it was not going to arive today! Well they handed it over and I couldn't have been happier. I quickly snatched it up and feaverishly mounted it to my Gitzo 1128G legs. This thing is a work of art. I have only had it for half a day and I already love it. It is very simple yet works flawlessly with smooth motion. I'll post an update once I get it out and use it in the real world. But so far my Gizto 1128G + Arca-Swiss B1 looks to be a perfect combonation for me. With the legs fully extended and the center column tightened down firmly and not extended the tripod is rock solid and the height is absolutely perfect for my 5"6' frame.
Legs without head.
23 Apr 2004
Well today I received my Gitzo 1128G tripod legs! They are pretty awesome to look at and very stable. My Arca-Swiss B1 head has not arived yet so I can't mount anything up on the legs yet. I have fiddled with them a bit and they are simply wonderful - except. There is a bit of horizontal play in the center column. This is fixed by tightening a screw knob down real hard. The draw back is with it tightened it is also VERY hard to raise or lower the center column. Hopefully I wont need to use this much because theres to many steps to get it solid.
A new face shines.
19 Apr 2004
Well I have completely done away with the previous website and started anew. I really liked the old design but the more I wanted to do with the content the more I knew my design had to change. I needed a website that was more simple with dark colors that would not distract from the content and the photographs posted here. Hopefully all goes well - let me know what you think of the new site.